Philadelphia, Anesthesia, Tension

I've been living downtown for almost a week now...five and a half days anyway. It's been an odd set of days, lots of stress, lots of emotions. I've seen Megan twice, the last time was on Tuesday. I'm not so much reeling anymore, but I've been thining. Reading. It's an odd position to be in really, so I'm not going to say too much more about the relationship situation at this point. I might have more to say after Thanksgiving.

Anesthesiology is everything I had hoped it would be and more. I've already gotten to mask/bag ventilate, put in an endotracheal tube and a laryngeal mask airway, and give spinal anesthesia...and it's only the third day!! I think this is really it. This is my calling. This is what I was meant to do.

I was present at the first birth I've ever seen today. It was a C-section, and I was able to give the mother her spinal for the procedure. I was there when they pulled him out and he took his first breath. It was surreal.

My life is really, really bipolar isn't it?

Things fall apart

Megan cheated on me.

I may have mentioned on here a friend she made at work? It was her. She did it the first week I was gone at York. She did it and hid it from me until now. She lied to me when I asked her about it weeks ago (I was suspicious). She allowed us to do an insemination after she slept with this person. I'm in total shock.

Obviously, this blog is not about TTC anymore. It's not about us either, because there isn't an us anymore. I can't believe she did this.

I'm single now.

WTF???

Rebound

Today was actually a pretty good day. I haven't said too much about school lately, except that I didn't want to be here, but today I had a good time. I was in the OR with Dr. B, an awesome Cardiothoracic surgeon who loves me :) He gave me a kick-ass evaluation, and told me he didn't want me to be a surgeon because he didn't want to compete with me. It was awesome.

I'm off now to Journal Club (the surgery folks get together at a restaurant and one of the attendings or residents presents an article for the purpose of reviewing the literature and having a bit of social time), then home to pack pack pack because I go HOME tomorrow, never to return to this place again! Yay!

I miss Megan like crazy, with her home all alone... :( I can't wait until I get to see her more often. This arrangement has been generally horrible, and it's about (damn) time that I get to spend some time with her that isn't rushed.

Screaming inside

Living is really, really hard right now. I'm practically in a daze, and there's not really anyone for me to talk to who will listen. Very few people know we're TTC right now, but they're not really people I can just whine to. Megan needs them, and they're not here right now anyway. And Megan really, really can't be there for me right now. I think what would really help is for someone to just hold me and let me cry and scream (ha, like I did Sunday morning) and tell me it's all going to be over one day and things will work out. I just have a really hard time seeing that right now.

I guess this is part of my odd position as the non-carrying mother wannabe. When we miscarry, it hurts me too. Although I cannot feel the physical pain of that life leaving my body, I feel this loss. I mourn it, even though it was just two days. Two fucking days. But where am *I* supposed to go for comfort? Who am I supposed to talk to who will even begin to get this? Sometimes I feel like I'm more involved than other "DP"s are. I don't know...very few of the other ones post on the boards and stuff.

I feel bad complaining on the boards too. I mean, who am I at 22, and Megan at 25, to complain about TTC? We're not racing any other clock but Megan's desires, strong and pervasive they may be. We're not miscarrying twins in our second trimester. We're not on our final IVF cycle before calling it quits. We're just not anything. I feel like many of the women on the boards (I know some of you might even be reading) don't take us that seriously, and I feel like people don't even believe me sometimes. Like they think I'm a troll trying to crash their party. I feel guilty about voicing my pain and seeking comfort there. It's a very giving group, and that I need so much right now and that I don't really fit in just seems to throw the whole thing off balance. I digress. I don't know. I just totally don't know.

It's days like today that make me want to get off this roller-coaster until we can just cough up the money for IVF with whatever fancy crap they want to add on. We just CAN'T do it right now and is PISSES me off that we can't afford it. It also pisses me off, to an extent, that this is really the ONLY thing that Megan wants and it's practically the only thing I can't give her. Not that she talks about it much, but she's bi. She could have just as easily fallen for a guy and then at least she'd be able to try every month for free, as many "insems" as she wanted. And her child would be half someone she loved. Sometimes I even wonder why she stays when she could go find herself some nice guy (there are plenty in my class.....) and just put this whole thing behind her. I realize this is totally fatalistic and that she really isn't going to up and dump me for something with a dick and enough swimmers to get her pregnant, but it really doesn't help.

Okay, NOW I have seriously polluted cyberspace with my whining and I need to stop, otherwise none of you are going to read this thing anymore. Sigh.

Rambly

I'm back in York now, finished with my third-to-last day of Surgery and I couldn't be happier. I went to clinic today, which was a great learning experience, and now I'm just hanging around in my room. I'm online with Megan, and we're sort of talking over AIM, but she's not in a good mood. I know, clearly, that it's not personal, but it's so hard when she's distant. All I want to do is be able to fix it and I know I can't. It's sad.

So I don't know what we're going to do about the "firing." I don't think we'll have a case for discrimination, since either party could terminate the employment for any reason before *today* which is why they got rid of her Friday. She has friends who will have ears to the ground for rumors, but basically, we're SOL. I guess the good thing is that she I guess wasn't "fired" so much as they didn't "pick up her option." In any case, she's on the job hunt again, as of tomorrow (today she's taking a break).

I start anesthesiology next week. It's odd, because on the one hand I'm SO excited, but it's hard to be excited with all this crap going on. I mean, this is what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid and I can't really muster the energy to be excited. I'm not good at being depressed, so I hope this passes soon.

Oh. Ha. My resident's wife just had a baby. Woo hoo. And they gave him a dumb name too. Sigh.

I guess I'd better go be productive. This post sucks.

Surviving

So we're surviving so far, except our little "conceptus," which is departing by way of painful cramps and very, very heavy bleeding.

The plan is to continue as we were, still see the RE since Megan is still insured and can get COBRA, and keep on with the natural cycles for now. The savings for injectables will be eaten up by paying bills for the next few weeks. Fantastic.

Megan is looking for a new job and looking into wrongful dismissal.

We might go to WA to see Megan's dying sister and our girl with cancer. Probably in June.

So far that's it. I'm cycling thru stages of grief at hyper-speed...sad one moment, angry the next, in shock the next and back again, over and over. I hope things calm down soon. I think the will when AF runs her stupid course and we get in the swing of looking for jobs and stuff.

This totally sucks.

Fuck life.

Af showed today. Full fucking force.

I hate life.

Curse of threes, and "LFP"

Bad things come in threes, right? I don't think I could take more than three.

#1: Megan's sister, the one she's closest too who is a mother of two lovely teenage children, was diagnosed with rapidly-progressive MS. She already is in a wheelchair and has periods in which she can't speak.

#2: One of the children Megan and I mentored in the 4-H program was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer, stage three, at the age of 16. She's already had surgery and several complications, and she starts chemo soon. It was just this past winter that her mother sent me photos of her first formal dance, and I was so amazed that she was growing up so fast! And now she has metastatic cancer and might die. WTF?????????

#3: Megan has been working very hard at her job, and striving to please a passive-aggressive boss who could do nothing but find fault (despite everyone else LOVING her). She came home early today. She was fired. They didn't need a reason, PA is an at-will employment state.

So, let's add to this that there was a (very) faint positive on the HPT this week...what we like to call a LFP instead of BFP. We're not testing again until she misses AF (damn chemicals have scarred us, and we don't want to watch the line disappear...) So NOW she might be pregnant, and has no job, and can't take advantage of FMLA..... WTF again?????????????????? WHY on EARTH is this happening to us?

This is the worst day I've had in a long time.

Mud-Bucket BoZo

Here she is, the mud bucket herself.... the other day we had her out in the rain and she decided to roll in the mud. Several times. This be the aftermath!

Not much to say

We're 9 DPO today (or 10? not sure...) and have not tested. We don't plan to until Thursday at the earliest, and even then we might not. It's Megan's 25th birthday and we want to enjoy it, and what would make it better than a BFP? Sadly, a BFN would definitely make it worse, so what can you do? Anyway, she's not saying much about how she's feeling and isn't really obsessing, which is healthy, so we'll just have to see what happens.

As for me, I'm post-call after my first Trauma call and I must say it was just as exciting as my LAST call. Yep, no calls. We had one trauma during regular hours (elderly woman fell), but that was it, so really, I just got a good night's sleep (well, until 4:30 am when I had to get up anyway). So yeah, nothing too cool to talk about. Having call on Monday sure does make the week fly by though! One week from tomorrow, I move back home NEVER to come to York again! I'm going to push to switch my family medicine to someplace more local if at all possible b/c I can't exactly take the care with me here...Megan needs it for work!

So I'm off to throw down some lunch, then practice sewing together dead stuff so I can get better at suturing lacerations. Woot!

Surgeon on call

I had my first call night on surgery last night and I must say that I'm exhausted. I mean, all the sitting around in bed studying, followed by sleeping soundly all night was really more than I could bear. Lol. Actually, we never got any calls, so I had a pretty normal night. I didn't even have to go to procedures today, I just get to stay in my room because I'm "post call" and the rule is I can't stay past noon on a post-call day. So I went to the clinic this morning and saw patients there, had some yummy Olive Garden lunch for free, and then came home and have been dinking about on the computer since then. I think I'll have to study soon, lest I get too horribly lazy.

My fainting issues appear to be a thing of the past, thank goodness! I'm so glad that it was only the one day I was having so much trouble. AF has calmed down as well.

Nothing to report in terms of TTC other than I haven't been this obsessive about this in MONTHS. It's weird. Megan needs to smack some sense back into me.

Naptime for me now :D

I suuuuck

It's the first day of my period today, I'm practically hemorrhaging, and I can't stay scrubbed into a surgery. I nearly passed out in both procedures and had to scrub out and sit down. So yeah, I totally, completely suck.

And I'm on call tomorrow...which means I get no sleep (overnight call on surgery). Fantastic.

And it's only 2 dpo, so I can't bug Megan about symptoms...

Okay, really this time

We actually got a positive OPK!!! We're insemming!!! Yay!

I feel really good about this try. Will report back when appropriate....here's to a +HPT on Megan's birthday!!

City moment

I had a very city day today... I grabbed lunch from the local sandwich and pizza shop and ate it sitting on the stairs at the train station then hopped a train to center city. I had to hurry thru the rain with a newspaper over my head to school. Then on the way home, the train station was filled with music from this performer who was doing a "one man band" sort if thing and he was fantastic...he played a great version of the chrorale and shaker dance and there was a little boy from the audience with him who was rattling away this tambourine, and the people gathered around them were clapping around. The rest of us, who were pretending not to be watching, were all listening and smiling from the benches... it was just so cool. I really love being in a big city sometimes :)

In other news, it looks like Megan did NOT ovulate before because it appears that she is now, so we're going to do another insem this weekend. OPK is much darker :)

That's all for now. Tomorrow we're going to meet online friends at the outlets in NJ. Yay for online friends!

Round and round we go

Our return to the world of reproductive endocrinology is scheduled for Tuesday, November 13 at 3:30 p.m. Slight chance we could be preggo by then, if the timing was right or Megan ovulates soon....ha, yeah, right.

Back to work. News for me today...all this being on my feet all day is causing my legs to swell and my veins to dilate and look all gros...looks like it's time for compression stockings. Whoopee. What are the damn things going to look like when I'm 60???

Shameless plug and TTC frustration

This past Saturday we went to a performance by Jana Losey, a singer songwriter who happens to be the cousin of one of my very close friends. We went more to see our friends than anything, but WOW this girl is good!! She's just getting started, but her voice is beautiful and her songs are clever and fun to listen to, so I want to very enthusiastically plug her here! Check out her myspace at http://www.myspace.com/janalosey and catch a show if she does one near you! There are samples of her music on myspace and her first album is on iTunes...

So that's enough chipperness. We don't think Megan ovulated, so we're back to her POAS and we did an insem likely for nothing....sad. But this is pretty par for the course for us, so we're just going to hang tight, make an appointment for the RE next month, and keep on with the natural cycles for now. Hey, maybe we'll break our long cycle record. GAGS.

I'm back in York for the week and I'm seeing a CABG today (bypass, open heart surgery...should be SO cool), so I need to go take a little nap and read up before the case. I'm really excited! I miss my girl though. This living away from home thing sucks like no other.

Time to go! Ish...

So, Megan feels like she's going to ovulate, she has EWCM, but the OPK isn't totally cooperating and is lighter today than yesterday. Huh. Oh well, we're going with the whole CM/CP readings as being more accurate than the 50 cent OPK and are going with it. Plan is to insem tonight and tomorrow, and then we'll see where we're at after that!

I cured cancer!

well, rather, I held retractors and cut sutures (new skill for me today!) while the breast and plastic surgeons cured cancer. I helped do a bilateral total mastectomy and reconstruction today, which took a whopping 5 hours, two surgeons, two residents, one relatively worthless medical student, two scrub nurses, two circulators, an anesthesiologist, and a CRNA. Phew! It was totally awesome that both of the surgons were women :) Anyway, the surgery went really well and the cosmetic effect was really good. Since this patient had a lot of skin left over, they were able to fill the saline implants a bit today (often they have to wait for the stitches to heal), which will be really good for this particular patient (she's only 40 and very depressed, and had a hard time deciding if she wanted to do both mastectomies or just the one side with the cancer. Anyway, there were no metastases to the nodes, so it was a total success and felt fantastic.

My only major foibles were nearly passing out after the first hour. I ate a balanced breakfast, hadn't had any caffeine, and was moving my legs, but it got really hot inside the gown (picture one Karisa with scrubs, shoe covers up to mid-calf, a mask, a really big eye shield, big poofy hair cover, calf-length plastic surgical gown, and two pairs of latex gloves!) and I had to say I was feeling faint...so I backed up and had to have someone sit me down, scrub me out (ie take off everything but scrubs, shoe covers, mask, and head cover), and put alcohol pads on my neck (for cooling), then go get some juice and rest for a few minutes. It happens a lot, but this was my first one. anyway, the surgeons let me scrub back in and I finished the whole thing out without incident, and got to help :) :)

I was DEAD after that long, so I grabbed some lunch and took a nap...

Anyway, time for me to head back. My 3 pm lecture was cancelled but the 4 pm one is still on, so must pelt down a beverage before scrambling back to the classroom to learn about...something. I don't remember... Never a dull moment!

Damn you, Suri!

Without running the risk of sounding completely idiotic, photos of Suri Cruise make me so sad...I'm quite certain that any baby Megan produces will bear a strong resemblance to this most famous toddler...see what I mean?


So, world, please stop posting photos of this child until Megan is pregnant. Please.

Bo-Zoe

I couldn't resist...she got a bath last week (Zoe) and she's sooo cute (well, both of them...) :D

Weekends off rock my socks off

I know, a totally dumb expression, but I sooooo mean it! This weekend off was amazing. I got to sleep in three times, got to see my girl AND my friends, including a rousing game of Munchkin (I'll trade you my cute shoulder dragon for your chain mail bikini!) and some fun outlet shopping. Not to mention there was a donut in there as well, AND ice cream (though not on the same day). I'm ready to tackle my first full week of surgery with bells on.

Megan's still not surging yet, so I hope it holds off a couple of days so I can be at home for the insems, so hope for us! Perfect insem day would be Thursday, so let's hope that the OPK stays negative until Wednesday at least :D

Off to study...topic of the evening: fluids, electrolytes, and nutrition.

This place totally sucks

They had no idea I was coming today, so after getting up at 6 to show up for OR orientation, I find out that they can't do it until Monday, and all I can do today is finish my other orientations, tomorrow I come in and watch cases in the OR (so shadowing, like I did in HS and college), and then come back Monday for my scrub orientation so I can actually hold retractors or whatever I'm supposed to do.

Anyway, this is utterly a waste of time. How could communication be THAT bad? And I could have spent more time with Megan if they didn't want me to REALLY start until Monday. Crap crap crap.

Have I mentioned that I miss Megan. I miss Megan. A lot. Sniffle.

Off to waste another hour before my second orientation.....

Pathetic or in love? Is there a difference, really?

Megan left half an hour ago and I already miss her like CRAZY. Let me spell this out for you. We got together two or three days after we met. We moved in together informally after a month or two, officially after three months. Since then, we have been apart for approximately 18 weeks. 6 weeks while Megan studied in Paris, 6 weeks while I studied in Granada, Spain, 2 weeks at Christmas in 2001 and 2002...and that's it, except for a day or two here or there. And this week is our 6 Year Anniversary. So over the past 6 years, there have only been a handfull of days that we've had to be apart. It's not really that we're clingy so much, it's that we really love one another's company, we're the closest of friends, and being away from her just makes me feel empty. At least we'll both be busy most of the time and I'll get to come home on weekends. That will be the saving grace of this place. That I get to spend every weekend with my girl, in my house, with my dogs, in my neighborhood with my streetlights and my street noise. And my Philly smog, gosh darn it!!!!

It really doesn't help that Megan's having a really hard time at work right now. Her boss is making her life HELL and she thinks now that it may be a homophobia thing. Interesting if she can prove it, since it's against their policy to discriminate. Hm.

So I should probably try to read something and get some rest. It's odd that I'm here I guess. And I'm counting the hours until I get to snuggle up with my girl in our cozy bed, crowded with three huge dogs and two annoying cats. ::sigh::

Day off?

What on earth am I supposed to do with a day off? I've already cleaned the kitchen and worked on the (stupid fucking) cat piss stain in the carpet for the 47th time...and watched TV...and it's only 10:30. What do I doooo?

So, plan. I leave Tuesday for York and come back every Thursday evening (late). Megan is slated to ovulate midweek, so we're hoping her cycle skews a couple days later than normal so we can do the inseminations while I'm at home. Hope it works out :)

After this, we're going to do another natural cycle in November, maybe one in December depending on the timing, then possibly shoot for injectables in January. So I suppose that would mean a November-December get together with the RE and re-scheduling of the HSG that got unceremoniously canceled this past spring. Hopefully things will work out before then, but we're not really counting on it.

Time to go find something to do. The vacuum may be calling my name ;)

Over and out

Emphasis on the out, AF here in full force today. Take 11.

10-11 dpo-ish

Just a quick note tonight to say that we're not feeling overwhelmingly optimistic today. Megan's "symptoms" are a bit less today, and although we know they mean nothing, it's still disppointing. Also, she's been having a bad time at work, so that's frustrating.

I'm also REALLY busy with school...big SHELF exam this week, which will suck. Also a really, really nasty paper is due.

Finally, on a good note, I wanted to share a prototype photo of the baby bedding my mom is making for us. We might want to switch up a color or two, but here it is! Hate it if you want, but we love how vibrant it is :)

Nothing to say

You know, TTC blogs are totally not interesting when you're not obsessing. I've got nothing to report, other than 8 days until we know...eh, it will pass. I'm DREADING my SHELF exam, which will be the same day, so I think the HPT and SHELF are balancing each other out ;)

More some other time...

Great weekend, bad Monday

This weekend was GREAT! We had a wonderful Saturday, lunch with my dad, got our headlight fixed on the car...went shopping but didn't buy anything...so fun :) Then Sunday we got together with Laurie and Heather from the BBC boards (Laurie and I acutally "went out" online for a while 8 years ago...) in Atlantic City. We went to Hooters (yeah, I know, stop sniggering...) and the food was, actually, really good! It was great to meet them and we'll be getting together again in October. Will be SO fun to hang out when we both have our babies :)

So today. We're exhausted...got home, and Zoe had made a mess in her crate. I tried to take a nap, but Megan couldn't find parking on the way home, so I had to wake up, go out and meet her...and we went to KFC. Got home, and we discovered that KFC got the order wrong...so we drove BACK to KFC. Then when we got home again, we found that the laundry detergent had fallen down and spilled ALL over the floor. Like 2 gallons. And we had to clean it up. So yeah, that's today. And now I have a headache :P Ah well, you win some you lose some, right?

So we're now 4 dpo and doing a good job staying distracted :) Yay! And now time to sleep. Double yay!!!

1 dpi! Yikes!

So, we decided to go private because my father's ex GF's daughter had access to the blog, and we're not telling family until we're PG this time. Soo, thanks to all of you who e-mailed! I really thought Stacey was the only one who read, but turns out there's more of you! So cool!

Anyway, yesterday was our +OPK and we feel that Megan O's really soon after a positive test, like the same day, so we think our timing was good, so now all there is to do is wait. Which is totally fine :D NO bloodwork, NO needles, NO clo-madness. Nothing. It's great :) The insem went off without a hitch last night and we're really pleased so far, so yeah. Probably not to many symptom updates this time around, as we're trying to be laid back ;) Yeah, trying to be laid back. I said it.

Megan's gone at work late tonight...so here I am bored and missing her like crazy. We're so lucky that we met in college and we spent so so much time together, and even in med school with her working from home for a long time, we saw so much of each other. Totally spoiled. But I'm glad that even after nearly 6 years, we still love spending time together so much and miss each other when we're not together :) I love her so much. I know she rarely reads this, but I love you Megan!!

School update for the day...we have a really low census at the moment, only like 6 paitents on the whole service, which is nice. Two of them are mine, which is great, because I carry up to 4 at a time and two is like a cakewalk compared to 4. Anyway, they're both really complicated. One of them has end-stage liver disease, uses cocaine and heroin, is a victim of severe domestic abuse (she's had her face reconstructed twice), and has schizophrenia and depression...she has ascites, and her legs are very swollen from the water retention and high blood pressure building up behind her cirrhotic liver. And she has recurrent pneumonia. The other patient has fevers and mental status changes but we can't find a source of the infection...we think it might be this weird disease called babesiosis. Anyway, I was on the way up the stairs with my intern and I was asking her for feedback since we're 1/2 way through the month, and she said that she couldn't think of a single thing to tell me to improve, that I was at 4th year level or higher, and that I made her life as an intern much easier and she really appreciated my help. Gaaaa!!! You know, I never got honors in my preclinical classes, just passes, so I always hoped I'd do better in the clinical years. And it looks like it might be true. I'm just SO excited that I'm doing well...it's really hard, because nobody really tells you what to do and it feels so great to be making a difference with the patients. Like my cocaine addict lady, she doesn't trust people and is really cranky at most people, but she hasn't snapped at me in a week and she calls me "honey" now (which would normally bug me, but from her, I take it as a compliment)...I'm so happy that she asks me questions and talks to me so we know what she needs! Helping people makes me so happy and I'm glad someone thinks I'm doing a good job :D I'm totally on cloud nine.

So, that's really it for now, I have a shelf exam in 2 weeks that's going to whoop my ass if I don't start studying like a crazy woman. Nighty night.

Going privada

I'm taking the private plunge with the blog...drop me an e-mail if you want to read!

Golden Weekend

Ahhhhhh. Golden weekend. Two whole days in a row of NO work, NO studying, NO nothing. This is the best thing ever. I came into this weekend so exhausted that I could barely stand up, and I'm proud to say after two good nights of sleep I'm starting to feel like a human being again. This is so the best thing ever :)

Yesterday was a really fun day...we got up and did some window shopping, had lunch together, came home, bathed the dogs outside in the backyard (they were less than amused, but it was great to not have all that mess in the house), and then worked on the house for pretty much the remainder of the day. Not that the place is filthy, just with how busy we've been there are things strewn all over where they don't belong, dishes that needed to be put away, laundry and the like. And, as anyone with dogs knows, the vacuuming REALLY needed to be done. We finished most of it yesterday and were able to get to bed at a pretty decent time. Oh yes, totally boring, but I loved every minute of it!

Today we elected to skip church to finish the house cleaning and spend some time with the dogs. They've been a little neglected lately, so we've been playing with them and working on their grooming. I'll post photos when I get a chance, but they all look HORRIBLE! if any of their breeders could see them they'd be horrified! The dog dryer and show groom supplies are still in boxes, so they just got bathed and towel-dried, so Bella is all ringlets, Zoe looks like she has tailfeathers, and Fudge looks like he's been electrocuted :P Ah well, at least they're happy and smell good :)

So today the plan is to do some window shopping, run a few errands, then have early dinner with my dad down in Glen Mills, which will be really fun. We don't see him as much as we'd like to, so these dinners are just that much more enjoyable. Plus, it helps me not think about going back to work tomorrow :( That's the one bad thing about Golden Weekends...they end.

On the docket for next weeek: finishing the dog grooming, painting the kitchen (well, finishing that), and STUDYING for my shelf exam, which is coming up way faster than I want to think about it. I suppose I should also be thinking about packing for York...like what I'm going to need to have to stay, clothes, if I need casual clothes...that kind of thing. I'm really not looking forward to leaving for that long, but what can ya do, you know?

Finally, in terms of TTC, we've been talking a lot about that and adoption lately and I think we're pretty close to reaching some decisions about when and how we're going to proceed. Megan wants us to keep those thoughts private for now, but as soon as she's comforatble with me sharing, I will :)

Ok, enough of a novel. Time to go eat :D

Part deux

So I promised more updates, so here they are!

First, Zoe is growing like a little weed. She's almost as big as Bella now and now spending nights out of the crate. I'll add a pic here for those who aren't on Facebook. She's such a little ray of sunshine and keeps us on our toes. Not much else to report there other than we're grateful that she has straight hair...makes grooming a breeeeze.

Now the apartment. I dont' really have photos to post at the moment but I might after this weekend. We love our yard, and we like the place, but it has some really irritating quirks I don't really want to get into too much right now. But this weekend we'll finish painting and cleaning (we hope) so we'll be able to post some pics then of the different rooms. We're making some headway on clearing out what will be our baby's room, but is now a catchall storage closet from Hell. But photos soon to follow!

I also promised a Disney update. So we went on vacation in June after my boards with my mom, Megan's mom, Rob (my brother) and Heather (his now fiancee) for a week, and my mom ended up buying into the Disney Vacation Club as well, so now we're going to go at Christmas this year (just us and the moms) and then we'll be doing a cruise/beach/WDW combo vacation after I graduate! I hope one day we get to use the points for something other than Disney parks...but for now, I'll just be grateful that I get to go on so many vacations!

Now for friends...not too much to say there other than I never see them anymore :( Third year is keeping us all split up so I never see anyone, which just totally sucks. I miss them, but at least I get along well with my medical team people so I'm not too lonely. And of course I have Megan, but I'm such a people-person I really crave the interaction.

Sooo...what else to talk about? I might have to do a part three because I can't remember what I was supposed to write about....lol. I'm really tired, so bedtime now for me :)

I really suck at updating this thing now

4 weeks left of internal medcine. My team switches this week, which really sucks. I've had the same intern for the last 8 weeks (at Jeff and Methodist) and he was my buddy, but now I have to get used to this new girl who isn't as nice or as helpful. My resident is switching as well, but at least I know my new one...she was the resident in the ICU at Methodist this month and did the MRAN's for my team, so I already know she's super smart, a good teacher, and a likeable person.

The pateints are really different there. It's our inside joke that the most common test we have to order is a UDS (urine drug screen). South Philadelphia is an interesting place. Historically, it's the Italian neighborhood, so there are a lot of elderly Italian people and their kids and grandkids living there. In the 80's, African American families started to move in there, and in the late 90's to 2000's, Hispanic and Asian families, so there is a very odd combination of people, religions, and values. It's also a relatively poor neighborhood with a large homeless and/or drug addicted population, so we see a lot of people who don't get regular healthcare, are addicted to drugs, and live in shelters. So on that backdrop, we have patients who are mostly hypertensive, have end-organ failure, have diabetes, are HIV+...etc etc. It's a real challenge to treat many of them beacuse they don't know their medical history, don't speak English, or any one of a variety of barriers. But I'm learning a LOT.

One thing: HIV patients are HARD to take care of, and they break my heart. My one patient I have now contracted the disease 17 years ago when she got pregnant with her youngest daughter. She is also on dialysis because she took too much of a prescription medicine for her system (not really an OD, just the wrong dose) and her kidneys failed. She doesnt' qualify for a transplant because of her HIV. Her cell count is really low, so she has to take 4 antiretroviral drugs, prophylactic medications to protect against infections...she's neutropenic, so we have to wear masks when we go in her room and she can't eat fruit or vegetables because she might get an infection. It's hard to know what we can treat her with because of the dialysis...a lot of medicines she can't have. She's also sensitive to a lot of medicines...so it makes it REALLY hard to control her pain (can't have this because of dialysis, can't have that because of allergies, can't have the other thing because it's not strong enough...then what?) This poor woman is ony 40, she never used IV drugs, never did anything wrong and she's dying. So dramatically NOT fair.

So 4 more weeks left for me of Internal Medicine, and I think that I'll keep it on my list of potential specialties. I would really enjoy Hematology/Oncology I believe, or maybe Pulm/Critical Care, but not general practice. It's a little broad of a field for me and I think I would like to have a more narrow focus. Plus, I can't stand nephrology. Kidneys are HARD!

In terms of other life stuff, we're slowly starting to get the wheels turning on starting our family again. There was just an EXPLOSION of pregnancies on the message board we post on (hi , guys ;) and Megan is really feeling the itch to get started again. We're a little antsy about the homestudy issue in our current place/situation...this battle we've been having with our landlord over the apartment (they got mad at us and decided to accuse us of having an "uninhabitable" house, filthy, with dog feces all over...complete bullshit) and we're scared that will get in the way of passing a homestudy. Shit shit shit. So we'll see about that. Part of us isn't ready to give up TTC anyway...I mean, she's 24 fucking years old, you know? argh.

Okay, it's time to go...I'll update part 2 later :D To come: the puppy, more about school, friends, the apartment...Disney of course...

Again, it's been a long time...

Or maybe it hasn't been that long, but it sure feels like it has. I'm now 5 weeks into my third year of medical school, another beginning in my super-long journey toward being a doctor. I had my first rotation at Jefferson, in internal medicine, on the Blue team, which meant I took care of patients with cancer and lung disease. Wow. Talk about a crash course in what it is to be a doctor. In the first week, we lost three patients. Granted, we thankfully didn't lose any more after that (that we know of, lots of them went home to hospice), but it was a tough first week.

There were two patients that really stood out. One was an elderly woman who had contracted hepatitis years ago and had required a liver transplant. Seven year slater, she was diagnosed with liver cancer, whic his now metastatic everywhere. The poor woman is in horrible pain all the time, has fistulas all throughout her digestive tract and a chronic abscess in her pelvis, which is colonized with a very resistant form of bacteria. She was in the hospital almost the whole time I was there, sometimes mentally with it, sometimes not...but so, so sick. Once, when the intern asked her where she said "I'm in Hell." She was suffering so much,a nd there was practically nothing to be done for her, but her daughters were terrified to lose her and wanted EVERYTHING done to keep her alive. Seeing how much she suffered, how much pain she was in, shaking there in the bed. It was just awful.

The other patient was a middle-aged woman who came in coughing, with what she thought was an exacerbation of asthma or allergies, or maybe just a reaction to the heat. She really had small-cell lung cancer. She was a heavy smoker, but had never been sick a day in her life, and now in her early 50's, she was sick with one of the worst cancers a person could get. We had to put a stent in her airway to keep the tumor from closing off her breathing before the chemo and radiation could shrink the tumor. We had to get her a stent placed, chemotherapy, and radiation al lin one day. She was very spiritual, and at one point, before her bronchoscopy, I offered to pray with her. It was amazing how much reaching out to her in that way helped her...when I left at the end of my 4 weeks, she gave me a huge hug and called me an angel; said that she knew God would be with her because he sent me to her. It was so, so touching.

Now I'm at a new hospital and will meet new patients, but I wanted to do a little update. Life is really changing, isn't it? It's just so strange how quickly I can go from being a student with my face in a book to being someone who can help people in the hospital. I don't pretend that I know enough medicine to help people in that way yet, but what I can do now feels very, very good :)

On the baby front, well, not really any progress at this time. We've had a HUGE adjustment to make with Megan's new job, the new puppy, my new school environment, the new apartment (and a bunch of landlord issues I don't even want to discuss right now), and even more that I'm sure I'm not even touching on yet...it's just been insane. So all baby plans are on temporary hold, but as soon as I have something to say, I'll say it :)

It's been a while...

Again, it's been a while. After finishing the boards, I started helping Megan to move us, we moved for two days straight, then drove down to Orlando, stayed there 10 days, drove to Hilton Head Island, drove home. Next day, Zoe came home, then two days later, I started orientation for school. I had that until yesterday at 5, then started my Medicine rotation today at 7:30. That's so totally the short version, but I may expand upon it in the future.

My first day was busy, but good. My resident is really nice and I think I'm going to be okay. I was really scared to start after orientation, but I think I'll be just fine :) I need to do a little research now, but I will try to write more later.

This is it.

I take the test tomorrow, June 18, 2007. I will arrive at the center at 7:30 and I will be done by 5. And I'm sick to my stomach and scared, but in the end, what will be will be. Think good thoughts for me, please please please. I hope I make it through without too much pain!

Busy busy

I'd love to blog, but seriously, I have no time at all. I just found out our puppy girl is coming home on July 2! We're naming her Zoe! Hereare two recent pics, one sitting in the breeder's dining room and the other in the yard. We can't wait for her to come home on the 2nd of July!

Puppy!

I had a chat with the breeder today, and it looks like all systems are GO for our puppy girl to come home on July 2. She's from a really great breeding and her grandsire is Brooks, one of my FAVORITE goldens of all time! They are just the cutest little things EVER!! Check out the video here at this link...http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6649821001861485712&pr=goog-sl. The narrative might be boring, but they are just the cutest little teddy bears EVER! They are 6.5 weeks old now and we'll know which one is ours when they are 8 weeks. We don't get her until she's 11 weeks though, after vacation.

Anyway, the litter theme is Bugs, so we need to think of a registered name with "bug" in it. Any suggestions? Things like "bug in your ear" or "snug as a bug" or "Stop bugging me!" Please make suggestions! We need input. If the name fits, we'll call her Hope, but if she's a nutcase, we might call her Luna, so the registered/call name won't necessarily match.

Anyway, back to my break time! I only have 3 hours per evening and I'm half done already :(

Would have been a great story

You know, trying for a year, and on the last try when we'd totally lost hope Megan FINALLY fell pregnant? Well, that's not a story we get to tell. Test is negative on 14 DPO, and we're done.

It's really bittersweet. I mean, we never thought this would happen. With age on our side, and her getting pregnant before, we thought that this would be easy street. I mean, how many 24-year olds REALLY have trouble getting pregnant? Most 24 year olds are trying NOT to get pregnant becuse they're so damn fertile. Not us, not us.

So here's what's next:

1. Megan starts a new job, making TWICE her current salary, on June 18! This includes benefits, and we couldn't be more trilled. She'll be working at Millionaire Estates (not really, but I stole that pseudonym from the game LIFE), writing their press releases, starring in their commercials on their private TV station, and playing games with the old rich people who live there. Yay! No more nannying!

2. We're getting a puppy! Perhaps sooner than we thought. Today we have to decide if we want a pup from the litter due to go home on June 9 or July 7. Or maybe we'll get one from the June litter and not have it come out until July so we'll be back from vacation. Either way, Hope is on her way!

3. Studying for the boards is going pretty well, but I have the weekend off :D I like weekends off.

That's it for now, time to go spend time with my girl.

They're kids, jackass! Bring them HOME.

I was just reading the news about the boy they found dead in the river in Iraq. 20 years old, barely out of high school, and apparently a great guy. Dead. Reading that news left me bawling. My neighbor from Rainier, WA was killed there too. He was also 20. I guess reading this news made me think of him, watching him ride his bike when he was a kid, and thinking for the zillionth time that this needs to stop. How many more of our kids really need to die over there?? Bring the soldiers home to their families and pump up our defenses at home.

I'm really angry right now...sorry for the mini rant. Back to work.......

Update!

I'm taking an actual break :) Yay! I ended up getting 20 pages behind yesterday, which had me COMPLETELY freaked out, but luckily I caught up today with time to spare! Yeah!!! I'm so excited that I don't have to miss my break to catch up!

So what's been going on? Megan had a really bad day at work yesterday. Basically, the family had her come in early because she had a pediatcician appointment. Then the doctor called, and told the family that they wouldn't do the Varicella vaccine just yet since she's not yet a year old. So they decided to cancel the appointment, and TELL (not ask) Megan to stay an extra 2 hours. They didn't ask if she had plans (she did), they just told her to stay. Besides, she hadn't brought lunch with her and they won't let her eat any of the food in the house, so she was STARVING. Those of you out there who have nannies, it's not okay to treat them this way. Don't just assume that their only purpose and activity in life is to serve your family. They are an employee, not a servant or slave, and common courtesy applies. Needless to say, Megan was really upset. This after they got pissed at her for not coming to babysit all day on Mother's Day Sunday on 12 hours notice.

The good news? She has an interview tomorrow for a better job tomorrow morning! Please hope, pray, chant, do whatever you do....she really needs out of this family. Come to find out the previous nanny only stayed there for 4 months...had Megan known that to begin with, she might not have taken the job.

We're 8 DPI today and still aren't hopeful. We did a test yesterday to see if the trigger shot was out of her system, and it wasn't (obviously 7dpo is way too early for a BFP anyway, so it was the shot), so I think we'll test on Sunday or something like that. Just to know that it's negative, so she can stop the crinone and we can move on with our collective lives.

Time to go clean! I'm studying at home tomorrow so my office needs to get cleaned out :) Now that the vacuum is no longer broken, I can vacuum! Yeah!!!!!!

I'm in a good mood.....

Boards, ugh

Hardly any time to blog now with the boards. Ugh. This is awful.

I just wanted to take a minute to post a photo of our new backyard! We move in one month!! Check out how deep that is, and on the right there is a little garden plot. I'm so excited :)

I'll write more when I take another real break.

The upcoming weeks

This is going to be a loooooong blog post. I have a whole lot to say and I have to say it all today, otherwise I'll have no time to blog and I'll never get to see it! I'll arrange it by topic :D To be helpful, really:

School - I made it through my second year!!!!! I passed my OSCE practical (really well, actually, the graders are on crack) and I'm sure I passed my last exam. Hell, half of it was OB/GYN and I know WAY too much about that anyway. Now on to studying for USMLE Step 1. I have until June 18 to study for the exam and I'm going to be giving 1000% until then. Tomorrow I'm making up a scheudle, then Monday I begin! I can hardly believe that this time has arrived already. I mean, how did I get here? This year flew by so fast (granted, I was preoccupied with TTC most of the time). I can hardly imagine how fast future years will go by. Anyway, I will post some updates on school, but not too many.

Apartments - I don't know if I've posted too much information about this, but we have apartment issues. Our roof has leaked since we moved in and they keep saying they've fixed it, but leak it does. So we told the landlord we were sick of it and wanted out of the lease early. Boy, they sure changed their tune. Apparently they don't want to lose us as tenants, so they want to deal. They've been showing us new apartments right and left, and we think we may have found a new place to live. It's in the best part of our nieghborhood, where there is a Starbucks, our favorite pizza place, our favorite bookstore, our church, the grocery store, our bank, a bakery, and a freaking cheese shop are all within two blocks! I LOVE living in the city sometimes :) Anyway, it has a HUGE yard (not really even by city standards, it's probably 20 feet wide and half a block deep, and fenced...all grassy. The dogs would be in HEAVEN! We haven't toured the inside yet (we will Monday), but we peeked in the windows and could see the kitchen, which is really nice, and the hallway, which is, well, adequate :P Anyway, we're very excited about it and barring catastrophe, we will be moving there before too long!! Which is great, because most of the other apartments we've seen that are less expensive are unworkable for so many reasons :(

TTC - Megan is surging today! However, since it's the weekend and our clinic is the Baby Factory of Great Confusion, we'll be going in for HCG shot on Monday and insemming that same day. It sounds totally cracked to me. Anyway, this cycle is more a formality than anything else, so I'm not overwhelmingly concerned. Meh. What can you do. Anyway, We'll enter the TWW on Monday and know if we're prego two weeks from then, safely separated from my boards testing date.

Adoption - We're trying to decide on public vs. private adoption. We really see plusses and minuses to both options, but we're just not certain yet. We really would like to start with a young child, newborn to 2 years old. We would love to adopt an older child, but since we're young now and have not experienced parenthood yet, we would rather start with an infant or toddler. If anyone out there in cyberspace has a story to share, you're welcome to share it :)

Church - We've had two meetings with Pastor Nice in the last couple of weeks and feel really good about joining. We'll officially join at the Pentecost. I'm really excited to be welcomed into a community that is so attuned to social issues and is 100% accepting of our family! And Megan is really thrilled to get back in touch with her faith, so much that she went to bible study this week and is going to join the choir (once her cold is gone). I think she really needs the human interaction beyond the girl she nannies for. SO happy this is moving forward.

Work - Megan has three interviews! One for a job that could double her income, easily, and give her a very marketable skill. PLEASE let's hope she gets it!!! Pray, hope, whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease! One other is a temporary part time thing for extra income. The other other one is a job that pays better than the nanny thing and has benefits, but isn't as great as the first one. Regardless, we have options, and we're really happy about it :)

Random life - Stupid crap keeps happening. Our vacuum is broken, our showerhead snapped off, our landlord is randomly charging us $40 for an unlock service, damn dog peed on the floor (that NEVER happens...)...blah blah blah. Really, sometimes I wonder if there's someone up there going "HA ha," you know, like Nelson on the Simpsons.

Time for me to go participate in real life now ;)

I'mDoneI'mDoneI'mDone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that was, like, hard.

Okay, sorry. I'm just so incredibly worn out that I don't have much articulate to say, other than I'm DONE and I don't have to study for two days, then I will be studying more than I ever have in my life for 5 weeks, then VACATION!!! Then I'm a Third Year. Yikes. They're going to hand me a scalpel? Crazy people.

Off to make Mac and Cheese for our crazy post-exam potluck tonight ;) More this weekend...

Scheduling, good news and bad news

I got to switch my OB/GYN rotation to Jefferson! So now I don't have to drive to NJ, which is great! The only bad thing is that my friend won't switch with me for York, so I'm still stuck there. But there's no better way to make sure we get pregnant this cycle than to make sure I have to go to York when the baby is due!

Cycle and Adoption

I really don't have time to blog, as I really need to pass my test this week so I can study for the boards, but life is really busy. And I need to talk. We're moving ahead with this cycle, even though our HSG was cancelled...so there could still be a tubal problem of some kind. We will not be TTC anymore after this cycle until I am making an income large enough to finance injectables. So we'll consider that chapter of our lives closed. Neither of us thinks that this cycle will work, so there is surprisingly little stress involved. I mean, it can't work, so why worry about it? If it does, hell, we'll be shocked.

So now we're trying to get out of our lease. We want a less expensive place, and we want away from our landlord because they will never fix the leaky roof. We've had enough! And we want to move on with life, gosh darn it! So we've seen a few places and there are some great prospects out there! Very exciting!!!

We're also doing some preliminary research on adoption agencies. Well, Megan is anyway. Trying to find a really gay-friendly one or two.

Megan is ALSO looking for a more corporate job that has good benefits and good pay. Her nanny job is fine, but the family is SuperRomanCatholic and the gay thing isn't going to go over well. So time to find something new. I'm hoping something crops up soon.

Finally, I'm getting geared up to study for boards. Wow, lots on the plate for me. Not like it isn't taking its toll. My stress level is higher than it's been since I was a kid and I cry more often than I have in a very, very long time. I hope we catch a break soon. We really need one.

This week sucks beyond sucking

-Financial difficulties
-Starting a new cycle
-Getting the HSG cancelled randomly after falling over ourselves to schedule it, and then deciding to scrap the cycle
-Un-scrapping the cycle after so many tears and stress
-Almost running out of gas late at night
-Toilet breaks
-Dog decides to be an ass and try to run out in front of a car (she's fine)
-Fucked up my physical dx practical, though not badly enough to fail
-Whined too much to my poor friends who have listened to me too much already anyway

There's more, but I just don't feel like writing any more about it now. Will it NEVER end? We just want closure, we're ready to be done with all this. One day soon we'll get another fertility workup once I'm in residency, and then we'll get pregnant with injectables or IVF, after adopting our first one or two, but Clomid is NOT going to work. There, I said it. Clomid is NOT going to work.

So there.

Protocol

Clomid: CD4-10
HSG: This Friday 2:30 p.m.
Monitoring: At home until the day of the surge, then 1 bloodwork and ultrasound to confirm
HCG: Trigger shot with the natural LH surge
Crinone: Whole LP after ovulation

The RE actually came up with this on her own, so we decided to do it. And we really want to know if her tubes/uterus are clear and decided to go full out (well, in terms of our budget this is full-out) for our last try with our last vial of swimmers.

Am I such a dork that I can't wait for Megan to do a HPT after the trigger???

Lol. yeah, I am a dork.

Oh, did I say I PASSED my Physical Dx test? I'm SO relieved. And I almost passed my practice USMLE with NO studying leading up to it, so that made me feel REALLY good. REALLY REALLY.

One more thing, we had our first personal meeting with the pastor of our new church today and it went really well. We found out our church voted unanimously to be Reconciled, which means accepting of gay families. That was just fantastic. And the congregation has a really stron social justice bend, which is appealing to us. Anyway, we meet with him again next week!

Okay, I need to study for my practice Physical Dx test which might be tomorrow. I needed to get a friend to switch times with me (Thank YOU Sarah I LOVE you!!!!) so I could go to the HSG with Megan. I hope it all works out.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

I'm sad. I just got my 3rd Year rotation schedule and I'm slated to go to YORK for 6 weeks in the Spring. YORK. Stupid Stupid Stupid YORK, which is more than two hours away from here by car, which I would not have because we only have one car and Megan will need it. Stupid Stupid Stupid YORK. And I can't switch it with anyone because it has a minimum/maximum enrollment of ONE, which is me, so I can't drop it. Maybe if I can find some nutty person who wants to switch with me, then I can get a different rotation. But this is SO not cool SO not fair.

Here's my full schedule:

July 9 - August 3 : Internal Medicine at Jefferson (Center City)

August 6 - Sept 28: Internal Medicine at Methodist (South Philadelphia)

October 1 - November 9: Surgery at Methodist (South Philadelphia)

November 12 - December 21: Anesthesiology and Ophthalmology at Bryn Mawr Hospital/Wills Eye Hospital (Center City)

January 7 - February 15: OB/GYN at Virtua West New Jersey - Vorhees (SW New Jersey, not that far away)

February 18 - March 28: Pediatrics at Delaware Valley (Jefferson and DuPont Hospital for Children)

March 31 - May 9: Family Medicine in STUPID STUPID YORK (Way the heck far away from Philadelphia)

May 12 - June 20: Psychiatry at Belmont (Center City)

So overall, not bad, except the York thing.

In other news, we still have no idea what we're doing this cycle. I called to report the start of Megan's period yesterday, and they called back saying that the doctor needed to look at the chart before they gave us instructions. WTF??? Are they telling us the doctor hasn't been looking at our chart the whole time????? I should find out today. This is bullshit. I think we need a new RE. I mean, this clinic is top in the area, top in the State, but they're really noncommunicative and apparently the doctors don't look at our chart. Fuckers.

More later...

The winds are changing...

It was negative, but we were expecting that. Welcome to the eleventh hour, the eleventh month of our trying to have a baby, and a new plan.

We talked a long time about options, and here's what it looks like. We have one vial left, and we plan to use it. We wrote a long e-mail to the RE asking questions...questions about Megan's fertility, questions about drugs, questions about options. Either we'll do a low- to no-intervention cycle with no monitoring this month or take a little while off. Natural cycle sounds like a good idea to us at this point.

If this doesn't work, which we're pretty certain it won't, then we plan to look into adoption, or maybe a known donor situation. We're not going to go there with injectables and IVF right now, especially with no "guarantee" of a baby. We thought about adoption in the beginning anyway, so it's just a little rearrangement :) When I'm working full time, this will be something we can afford, but not now.

So we'll see what happens. Life goes on.

12 dpo - Deflated, of course

Megan peed on two unauthorized sticks today and both were BFN. Of course, one had a fantastic evap line, but that's all it is, an evap. Me no likey evaps.

Now we're talking about options. Break? Stop? Try with me? IVF? Injectables? Adoption? Throw selves off bridge?

More to come.

11 dpo update

We caved. BFN. It sucks, a lot, but what can you do. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's early, blah blah blah I know. But that doesn't really make it hurt any less. Granted, I've never been able to hallucinate a line on a FRER test and I could hallucinate one today, but that doesn't mean it's there. Could mean I need therapy.

Oh, and I missed my physical exam practice session today. I thought it was tomorrow. I feel like SUCH a fucking idiot. Depressed AND an idiot all in one day.

Yeah. So next try is probably our last until we can afford adoption. Or IVF. We're just out of money and out of steam and out of, yeah. This was supposed to work, DAMN IT! Why on EARTH is my healthy, young, darling partner unable to conceive??? WHY????????????

Fuck life.

Eleven. Days. Post. Ovulation.

I had another exam this morning, which I don't think went so well, but I'm reasonably sure I pulled off a Pass. Ah well. On to more obsessive things.

Today Megan is 11 dpo and we're waiting to test until at least tomorrow. I know I haven't posted much about how she's feeling, but here goes a summary:

-Dull pokey feelings in the lower pelvis, worst on CD5 and stopping on CD9.
-Bubbly or fluttery feelings in the lower pelvis, off and on all day, starting around CD6 and still going strong.
-Slightly sore bbs since ovulation, which turned to excrutiating after starting Crinone 7 dpo.
-10 minute dizzy spell 9 dpo after going to the bathroom (she had to pee reallllllly bad on a car trip), another very short one 10 dpo after standing up quickly.

Yeah, so there you have it. If it wasn't for the Crinone, we'd be sure she was pregnant with triplets or something! But no, we need to wait it out. Wait wait wait and wait some more. At least we've made it to 11 dpo without testing! We had a weak moment yesterday, but were way too lazy to go out and buy HPTs.

Oh, right, and Megan's interview! It went really well yesterday and they should let her know today if they're going to hire her! Yeah! Everyone wants my girl :) Helps that she's the BabyWhisperer, she can calm and quiet any baby.

Now it's time to go get my brownies out of the oven (YUM! Thanks Waly for the cool brownie mix!) and study, or something. Three more tests to go and then it's Boards time.

Not much to say

Not much to report here at 10 dpo, other than we made it to 10 dpo! Megan's started progesterone now so her boobs are KILLING her and she's feeling really run down. Sadly, we can't claim those as pregnancy symptoms :( So sad.

So now I spend the day studying and taking care of the dog. She must have gotten sick from the raw chicken wings we gave her the other night (normal fare for a raw-fed dog, don't worry people!!). It had been a while and we think maybe the fat was too much for her. Anyway, she has explosive, bloody diarrhea and needs to be taken out every couple hours lest she make a huge mess. And she's in season too :( Sucks to be her, poor baby.

We have 3rd season LWord on all day today to keep us distracted, and Megan has an interview coming up! Wish her luck people :)

Okay, this is seriously disgusting

So Megan has been having these bubbly/fizzy feelings in her pelvic area and I decided to ask Dr. Google if that could be an early PG symptom we could obsess over (even though since we're not newbies anymore we're not obsessing....), and when I googled it there was this GRAPHIC fiction about beastiality of all things!!! So gross, I nearly lost my appetite. And for me, that's really, really saying something. I think I'm done with Google now.

7 DPO Progesterone

Is it sad that I'm already totally deflated? Progesterone today was 7.4, which is better than the first month but not as good as last month, even though the follicles looked better. ::sigh:: So I'm feeling pretty pessimistic right now. I hope it's enough!

We made it 6 days! And good news...

I'm so glad that tomorrow is the 7th day! We're almost a week down now, so there's not much longer to go. A week from tomorrow, we'll know if we're pregnant. Won't it be neat to in just a short while to be able to say "A week from tomorrow, our baby is due?" I know pregnancy can be hard, but being able to finally know that we're going to have a baby will be MAGIC. Oh, and I borrowed this graphic from uterus x2 :) Too cute...

On a sidenote, the apartment yesterday was just too small for our needs, which was frustrating. It's on one of the BEST properties in Chestnut Hill, but it's just too too too small. Megan's interview went well too :) So yesterday was pretty good...

In other news, I passed my test!!!!!!! I was SO worried and I'm totally relieved that I passed! My friend Kiki gets e-mail on her cell phone, so we knew practically the minute they came up, and I texted Megan so she could check for me. Anyway, it was an 81, so not even a just-squeaking-by kind of grade! Celebraaaaaaaaaation!!!!!!!

So happy, really. Thank you Lord.

Another day down, and slightly less complaining

One more day down, yeah! Megan had an interview today that went well, so we'll see what comes of that. She has another one tonight at 7, and I'll be going to look at an apartment around that time too. It's a top-of-the-hill Chestnut Hill location and it's only a one bedroom, but the price is REALLY reasonable and I think we could really enjoy living there. We'll see. Anyway, it's available right in the correct window for us to move, so I'm really excited about it.

My gripe of the day, I still don't have my grades yet. The stupid class office decided to change how they hand out the course evaluation sheets, 80% of which have to be handed in before they will release the grades. So the people who were supposed to get the evals didn't get them, and now they won't let us have the grades because of THEIR mistake!!! It's an OUTRAGE!! Anyway, I'm very very irritated about this, after a long day of 8 ours in a tablet desk, all I wanted was some reliable information for goodness sake! Grrrrr....

That's all for now. I might post about the apartment and the job interview later if there's important news, if not, until tomorrow!

Whiny post

I miss my friends. They're having karaoke night and this is the first one that we've ever missed. We had stuff to do at home that we didn't really end up doing. I'm tired and cranky and miss them and am sick of fertility crap. I want to be able to go and enjoy things.

I'm sick of being broke because of job bullshit and having to pay for fertility. We can't afford anything.

I want this to all be over.

I'll probably delete this in the morning...

It's official

I'm obsessing. I just spent the last hour looking up IUI-related papers on Ovid. Time for me to put the computer away....

3/4DPO and USMLE practice. Oh, and snow.

I just finished my first-ever Board exam related test! Yahoo! It really wasn't that bad. I mean, the breadth of the material was immense, but the complexity wasn't too bad. I'm sure I failed it, but at leat I'll have a starting point.

It was SNOWING this morning. A lot. Like 2-3 inches of mushy, slushy, torrential, sideways white gunk. It's April for goodness sake!! What happened to spring??

Megan has an interview for a nanny job at 2 p.m. today, so think of her then!! I hope it goes well, these people are practically our neighbors.

Let's see...what else is going on... Does anyone out there know how to get cats to stop pissing all over creation? The damn cat peed on my pillow a few days ago, and now Megan says she smells something in the living room. I want to KILL THEM!! KILL THEM!!!!! If Megan didn't love them so much, I would be trying to find them new homes. Really really, because they're making me crazy.

Not a lot of TTC news at the moment. Implantation could be happening in the next few days, so we'll need all the positive vibes and prayers we can get! I've been reading that a 22mm follicle is perfect on Clomid, so we'll cling to that thought, and the idea that there are TWO little zygotes floating around in there due to the second ovulation. Cool beans. Literally. Ha ha...I'm SUCH a dork. You all are pretty lucky you don't know me in real life...

Anyway, time to head homeward and make my house not smell like cat piss. DAMN the stupid cats.

Toodles :D

On a darker note...

Yesterday, Saturday April 14, 2007, is the date our baby would have been due had M not miscarried at about 5 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. I hope that things have come full circle now. We're really ready for a new beginning. I just wanted to say something...

Another day down!

Today we're 2/3DPO and still doing okay. We went to church this morning (3 weeks in a row, yeah!!) and the sermon was about doubt. Anyway, to make a relatively long story short, the reading was from John and talked about Thomas doubting the resurrection, then Jesus coming back and proving to Thomas that he had risen. Anyway, the take-home message the sermon was that there is a little Thomas in all of us, and that to have faith can be HARD sometimes. Perhaps, like when you're dealing with infertilty. Medicine knows so little about fertility, really, and can't control it much, so really, all you can do at this point we're at is leave it up to a higher power and let go. And believe that higher power is out there and that things are going to happen the way they're going to happen. And things don't always go right, but to believe you shouldn't have to see. Sure, we've been praying for months for our family to grow, but that doesn't mean nobody is listening, even though it seems like it.

Okay, on a lighter note, we had a nice day together today despite the RAIN. It's raining and flooding like mad, but we went out for breakfast/lunch at IHOP (mmm waffles...) and did some much-needed grocery shopping. Since then, we've been home and lazy all day :P Chores will need to wait for later in the week, because I guess we needed the rest today. I had a nice chat with my dad too.

Anyway, I'm off to get my junk together for tomorrow. We have a practice Board exam tomorrow. Yikies!!! I can't BELIEVE this is happening already. And I might get the results of my Friday exam, which I'm *really* worried about. Really really. We'll see what happens...

Outlet mall and lots of driving

Today we slept in really late (past 10, which is really late for someone who usually gets up at 5:30) and snuggled with the dogs in the bed, then drove up to Tannersville to go to the outlets. It was nice to spend some extra time with Megan and get away from the city. We picked up a few Gymboree things she'd been wanting too, which ended up being a really good thing. She'd REALLY been wanting this stuff I guess ;)

Anyway, at 1/2 days after ovulation, we're already a bit jittery, but not in a "Oh My Lord if this doesn't work this time we're going to die" kind of way, but more in a "It is going to be really neat to see what happens" sort of way. Maybe we'll feel differently later, but so far we're doing a good job trying to relax :) Yay!

Exam day, 1 DPO, and 0 DPO?

The exam wasn't that great. I need all the prayers and good thoughts I can get, because unless I got some of those guesses right, I didn't pass. Yikes. I know I should have studied more, and I'm just hoping so hard that I squeaked by.

Megan was pretty sure that she ovulated yesterday, but today is getting more O pains, so is she perhaps ovulating again 24 hours later? Is that possible? I know she had one follicle at 22 mm and one a little smaller, so is it possible that it matured and ovulated today? Let me know if you have any input...

So this weekend will be a time for REST and RELAXATION. And probably lots of foot massages for Megan.

0 DPIUI :) Finally!

Bloods this morning showed E2 in the 130's and LH over 30! Follicle was 22 mm! And we had the IUI with no pain whatsoever. Megan is now feeling what may be ovulatory pains :)

On a darker note, Megan just got laid off from her job. The boss said she was "rearranging positions" but we're sure it's because she witnessed the boss hiding a room that wasn't up to regulations from the daycare inspectors. Anyway, she's already hot on the tails of a few other options. People suck, but we'll be ok.

SSSUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited? Oh yes, the test line was darker than the control line today, the surge hath been detected, and I called the RE. We will be getting scheduled for IUI tomorrow! So excited! FINALLY!!!!

It will never end. Really...

We figured today would bring enlightenment and all that, but no such luck. Now there are only 2 measurable follicles (both on the left) and her estrogen is rising, so it looks like ovulation might happen, only with bigger follicles. And really, really late. But we're proceeding with the cycle and have more bloodwork and another ultrasound on Thursday. Hopefully things will keep going in a positive direction and we'll be inseminating by the weekend. Megan and I totally agree, this waiting to wait thing is driving us nuts.
On the bright side, we're having a good time with Nicole :)

We have a kid!

Well, not exactly. Our kid is 18 and we don't have custody, but we do have her until Wednesday ;) Nicole, one of our old 4-H students, has come to visit us for a few days and we're having a good time. Yesterday we ran a few errands, then came home and watched movies for a few hours. Today we went to see Meet the Robinsons (again!) and had lunch. Tomorrow I think we might go to Hershey Park! Here's a photo of Megan and Nik from Thanksgiving. Isn't she a sweet-looking kid? She is. We love her dearly...


Oh, and it's snowing. Freaking April and it's snowing. Where are we, Alaska?

Anyway, Megan hasn't gotten a +OPK yet, so it looks like she's not ovulating just yet, but her other fertility signs are pointing toward ovulation in the next few days. THAT I'm excited about. Hopefully the follicles have been growing and growing, and they're nice and BIG and healthy, and will bring us a nice healthy baby or two :) More information on that to come.

So for now, I need to get my rear in gear and do a little studying. Hopefully I'll accomplish a little so I won't need to feel guilty about playing at Hershey tomorrow. Toodles!

Another crisis partially solved, ish...

Got the lab call back. Estrogen is really low at 50, LH isn't surging...4 follicles, none are mature, and they want us back on Monday. They're pursuing the cycle for now, wanting to see where it goes...I hope SOMETHING happens! So now a whole weekend of waiting for cancelled or not cancelled.... ugh.

Three crises, one resolved

It's only 10:30 and already there have been THREE crises today.

#1: Cell phone lost

I lost my cell phone this morning when I went into the city to meet with the nurse and anesthesologist about research. Couldn't find it AT ALL, and then my other phone was dying so I couldn't really give the SEPTA (commuter rail) office a number to call. I had to give Megan's. Luckily, I had just enough battery in the other phone to call my missing phone, and my school security office had it. Thank God. So that's the crisis that has been resolved.

#2: Megan is CMV negative

We SWORE we had done this test before and she was positive. We swore up one side and down the other that she was positive. The donor is positive. So now, when she went in for bloods on Sunday they drew a CMV because she hadn't been tested, and lo and behold, she's negative. Our Dr. doesn't like to do insems with CMV positive swimmers in CMV negative people. The swimmers have been shipped and are not returnable. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. So now we have to find a way to convince them to let us use it anyway. You know, how does a longtime childcare worker manage to NOT be CMV positive? She catches every darn thing the kids have and always has since she was little. Yet not CMV. Grrrrr. Anyway, I've read up a whole lot on the issue, and there's a teeny teeny tiny eensy weensy chance that she could contract CMV, but we've decided that if there's a form for us to sign to waive liability and say "we've been warned," we will. Now hopefully they will let us do that. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. Because we can't buy any more sperm. We're out of cashola. So we need to fix this or we're totally, completely screwed.

#3: The follicle situation is weird

So Megan now has 4 measurable, maturing follicles, but one that use to be on the left has vanished and she now has three on the right, one on the left, all between 14 and 16. There are lots of unmeasurable follies on her left. So anyway, the point is it's CD17 and she's clearly not ovulating yet. Again with the paranoia about the cycle getting cancelled. What the heck is UP with her body?

More to come later as we get this garbage sorted out.

The paranoia never ends, does it?

Now I'm paranoid about the cycle being cancelled. We'll see after the bloodwork and US tomorrow morning, but I'm just so freaking paranoid. Today is CD16 and noooo surge yet. I know people have had their cycles cancelled for having small follicles on CD12. Yipes yipes yipes. I'm really hoping that this cycle works out. I mean, three follicles for goodness sake! If they're growing 2-3mm per day, they should be around 18 mm tomorrow, which would be just dandy. Please hope and pray for us. Please please please let this cycle work out. ::sigh::

Last one today, I promise!

I completely forgot to post about this! It looks like we'll be taking a family vacation after I finish my board exams in June! My mom owns a timeshare, and she traded to get a 2-bedroom condo in Orlando June 23-30! And there's enough room for me, Megan, her, megan's Mom, my brother, and his GF! So it will be a whole bunch of family all together! I'm so excited that I have a family that gets along, at least in patches. My mom and dad don't speak, but they each respectively get along with everyone :) Anyway I'm stoked! Megan's mom has taken us to Disney three times in the last two years, but I'm excited to get a more overall Orlando experience, like Sea World and maybe a trip to the beach. Anyway, I just wanted to share! And here's some Disney photos...just 'cause :)

Birthday flowers for me!

Megan's mother and Me at the Wonders of Life in Epcot...on my birthday! Check out the button...

Megan and her Mom in the fake snow at Disney MGM Studios.

Okay, that's plenty of Disney for now...

The results are in!

I'm a little confused now. There's good news and not so good news.

The Good News: Megan has THREE follicles so far, all about the same size! Sure, they're only 2 12 mm's and 1 13 mm, but they're really close together in size and at least they're a little bigger than just barely measurable! So we're excited that we might have more than one follicle. Yay!

The Not-So-Good News: It's CD 15 and she's usually ovulated by now. I don't really know what to make of that, only I need to hope that those follicles will keep growing at 1-3 mm each day, like they have been since Sunday, and Megan will be ovulating in a few days!

So we'll be hoping and praying for at least one really good follicle, and hoping for more than one :) We'll see what happens!

Oddments

I am living it up this year, since it's my last spring break ever. Yep, I am totally taking advanatage of this time. So Sunday, we had bloodwork and an ultrasound. Soooooo fun! Yeah! And there were 2 barely measurable follicles on the Right, none on the left. And yesterday, yesterday was even better! I spent the whollllllle day doing a budget to make sure we don't go bankrupt! Yeah!! And today is the crowning glory. I got up at the ass-crack of dawn to go into the city to meet with someone about doing surveys, and now I've been filing our taxes all day!! Ohhh the excitement. Really. More posting later when I get the results from this morning's bloodwork and US.

And to add to the oddment, Megan's clomid MUST be affecting me somehow. We went to see Meet the Robinsons last Sunday and I CRIED in the previews and I CRIED in the movie too. I'm a super level-headed person and things like movies never never never make me cry, unless they're terribly sad. But poor little kid in the movie was abandoned at the orphanage ::sniffle::

One final oddment. I talked to my mother the other day for a while, and she kept repeating that nobody on my side of the family has ever had a fertility problem, and basically she's gotten pregnant every time there has been an opportunity. So perhaps if things with Megan don't work out, we could consider me carrying. But I really don't want to, and I think it might kill poor Megan sice she wants to carry so badly. We'll cross that bridge if we get there. Which we won't because this cycle is the one :-D

Beach!

With all the crap we've been going through in the last couple days, we needed a break. Badly badly. So today I planned for us to go down to Cape Henlopen with the dogs for a day at the beack, and it was fantastic. We even let them (illegally) romp off leash for a little while. We needed the time to get away from TTC and the city and regroup, focus on our relationship, and get ready to tackle the upcoming TWW. Anyway, here are some photos from today! I love our doggies :)Me giving Fudge a scratch. He loves to circle around between my legs...
Bella trying to bury Megan in the sand! Her favorite beach activity!
You can't see really well, but Fudge looks dignified and Bella looks drenched (which she was, from romping in the tidepool).

Tomorrow we're going for bloodwork and US in the morning, then we're going to church (finally!), and in the afternoon/evening we're spending some time with our friends Melissa and Zach and their dogs. What a good way to start spring break :)

The overwhelmingness of life

So I have been a bipolar wreck this week. What with all the stress of dealing with TTC, Megan acclimating to a new job, starting a new (really hard) block at school, and getting ready to go on a Spring Break that will not involve much of anything fun ::sigh:: I've had several teary breakdowns and that is SO not like me. I'm a very level sort of person, and this type of behavior is really freaking me out. Karisa? Where are you? Please come back!! I miss you...

In brighter news, it looks like I will get to be involved in some anesthesia research at my school, which is just fantastic. Exposure to the field I hope to work in, stuff to put on my CV...great stuff! I'm really thrilled about it.

Also good news, my dear friend Jennifer has just been reunited with her husband just over a year after their wedding. He's from El Salvador and he couldn't get a visa/passport until NOW. Over a year since the marriage. I'm so glad that they're finally together. You know, looking at that reminds me how lucky I am to have Megan with me every day, and how fortunate I am to have my family. That's what's really important. We'll be able to have a baby one day, somehow, and when we do it will be perfect. But what I have is beautiful. I need to remember that more often.

So, I'll be trying to not be sad that my friends are in Florida, Puerto Rico, Germany, Argentina, or getting re-acquainted with long-lost spouses this week. I'll be looking forward to the bloods and US for Megan on Sunday, and IUI sometime this week. Hopefully this cycle is going to bring us our Christmas baby/babies. Lord, we're praying for a miracle.

Off to bed...tomorrow will be CD12.

In a holding pattern

Not too much to report so far. Megan had her last dose of Clomid yesterday, and today is CD9...so we should be back in business before too long. We got a huge box of gymboree stuff in the mail yesterday, and I do mean huge. We have enough to clothe a small army of toddlers! It's crazy. Anyway, Megan was really in the mood to talk and look at baby stuff yesterday and I really wasn't. This last BFN was really hard for me and I'm only just now getting to the point of not obsessing too much about the whole thing. Maybe today I'll be in more of a baby mood.

Good news is that I finally was able to study some yesterday! I feel like I'm getting back on track, which is really nice. On the bad side, the effing cat peed on my white coat, so I don't have it for grand rounds today. Stupid little shit cat. I swear he's going to goi flying out the window and onto the street one of these days...::growls::

Off to class. Hematology. Yay.

Longest wait EVER!

And we haven't even done the insem yet! I don't know what it is, but the time leading up to the IUI for me this time is dragging on and on and on. It's like the TWW, only we're hardly waiting for news! ::sigh::

I need to promise myself to stay out of the blogosphere. All the people who have KD's with perfect motility and/or get pregnant on the first try make me jealous, and it's such an unhealthy emotion for me. Megan's body is what it is, our life is what it is, and other people are exactly that. Other people. Not us. Our journey is unique and nobody else is like us. This will happen in time. Everything worth having in life is worth waiting for. Everything.

Oh yes. That's the mantra.

A hard day

I feel so bad for Megan. It's only the second day of clomid and she's already getting symptoms. Hopefully this translates to something GOOD for us!!

I also feel bad for her because I'm having a negative day. Out there in the blogosphere, it just seems like everyone gets pregnant on the first try or has to do IVF. I mean, I know that's not the case at all, but my goodness, I just feel so much like this might never work. I mean, I trust the RE and I know that she's doing her best. I trust Megan to take care of her body. And I know our new swimmers are going to be GREAT! But still, I'm so stressed out. I just feel like if it doesn't work this time it's going to kill me. I now I need to work on that attitude, but it's just so challenging.

And I'm torn about the monitoring too. I mean, we really, really, really can't afford to have the $800 of bloodwork done every month. And we can't afford the $1000 for ultrasounds either. We can do the US at the hospital for free, which will be great, because the results can still get to the RE realtime. But the bloodwork, I don't know. What if we don't catch the surge well enough with the OPK at home? Argh!!! I'm just so...yeah. Sad that we have to make this decision. Yeah. Why can't we just have all the money in the world? That would make it much more simple. One day, we'll have enough. One day, I'll be able to support Megan and our family and we won't have to worry about these things. One day SOON. Just not now. I just can't give her enough right now.

I think I'm going to cry.

So, I guess I need to get away from the computer for a while. If I had a picture of a sad face I would put it on here...

Time for some changes

Megan's period finally came, after a little thrill that we might have been pregnant anyway. ::sigh:: So now we're CD 4 and Megan just started Clomid again. This higher dose is already affecting her...she's moody and her bbs hurt already. Fun week for me! Oh yeah.

So here's what we're doing differently this time, our luckiest fantastic 8th time:

New donor from Xytex, who should have fantastic motility!

Higher dose of Clomid (150 mg), so Megan will have better ovulation!

IUI, to put those swimmers riiiight where they ought to be!

So, like I said, twins for us at Christmas ;) Noel and Jesus. Mary and Joseph? Mary and...Mary?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this try. When I talked to the nurse, she mentioned that Megan's follicles weren't that great the last couple times...but you know what? She had 18 mm the first time, and the second time she had 18mm (and like a 15 mm immature one) a day or two before ovulation, which is more like she had 20 or 22 mm mature follicle, so that's totally good! So on the higher dose, it should be better. The scary thing I guess is that if this cycle doesn't work out, she'll take clomid for a longer time, and that will be our last Clomid try. Then it's injectables. A lot to think about. So overall, I'm feeling good about this try. That's all we can do, right? Look forward with optimism and never, never look back.

In other news, I got an 87 on my test :) I'm very, very pleased :) Really really :) And I signed up for my 3rd year rotations. I'll post my schedule when I get it!