Living is really, really hard right now. I'm practically in a daze, and there's not really anyone for me to talk to who will listen. Very few people know we're TTC right now, but they're not really people I can just whine to. Megan needs them, and they're not here right now anyway. And Megan really, really can't be there for me right now. I think what would really help is for someone to just hold me and let me cry and scream (ha, like I did Sunday morning) and tell me it's all going to be over one day and things will work out. I just have a really hard time seeing that right now.
I guess this is part of my odd position as the non-carrying mother wannabe. When we miscarry, it hurts me too. Although I cannot feel the physical pain of that life leaving my body, I feel this loss. I mourn it, even though it was just two days. Two fucking days. But where am *I* supposed to go for comfort? Who am I supposed to talk to who will even begin to get this? Sometimes I feel like I'm more involved than other "DP"s are. I don't know...very few of the other ones post on the boards and stuff.
I feel bad complaining on the boards too. I mean, who am I at 22, and Megan at 25, to complain about TTC? We're not racing any other clock but Megan's desires, strong and pervasive they may be. We're not miscarrying twins in our second trimester. We're not on our final IVF cycle before calling it quits. We're just not anything. I feel like many of the women on the boards (I know some of you might even be reading) don't take us that seriously, and I feel like people don't even believe me sometimes. Like they think I'm a troll trying to crash their party. I feel guilty about voicing my pain and seeking comfort there. It's a very giving group, and that I need so much right now and that I don't really fit in just seems to throw the whole thing off balance. I digress. I don't know. I just totally don't know.
It's days like today that make me want to get off this roller-coaster until we can just cough up the money for IVF with whatever fancy crap they want to add on. We just CAN'T do it right now and is PISSES me off that we can't afford it. It also pisses me off, to an extent, that this is really the ONLY thing that Megan wants and it's practically the only thing I can't give her. Not that she talks about it much, but she's bi. She could have just as easily fallen for a guy and then at least she'd be able to try every month for free, as many "insems" as she wanted. And her child would be half someone she loved. Sometimes I even wonder why she stays when she could go find herself some nice guy (there are plenty in my class.....) and just put this whole thing behind her. I realize this is totally fatalistic and that she really isn't going to up and dump me for something with a dick and enough swimmers to get her pregnant, but it really doesn't help.
Okay, NOW I have seriously polluted cyberspace with my whining and I need to stop, otherwise none of you are going to read this thing anymore. Sigh.
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All of your venting and worries are totally reasonable. It is HARD to go through the TTC process and especially hard when you have the joy of a BFP dashed by a chemical pregnancy. We only experienced it once but it was bad enough that we both called in sick and stayed home to cry and watch movies and not think. It is HARD. And you have gone through multiple chemical pregnancies which is so unfair.
Angele was very involved in Riley's conception and the whole process. She felt really destroyed after each BFN and even wanted to take a break at one point. It's draining emotionally if not physically. You have just as much invested in this process--this will be your baby! This is your partner who is trying. It's your family and you dreams, hopes, money, emotions and baby.
I admit that at first I thought that you two were young and when you got that BFP right away, I was jealous. It's a weird process to be in after a while. You just become a bit bitter and jaded. I'm sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. You two are young but look at how many tries you've done! It doesn't matter what clock you're racing against, it's not fair and you deserve to be pregnant as much as the next person. And many people who are trying much later have put it off for so long. It's not your fault that they may have found love later in life or made a decision to start TTC later. That doesn't mean that they deserve a pregnancy before you and Megan.
I wish I could give you a hug. I know what a crappy deal TTC can be and sometimes it does feel like you are so very alone. Especially when people seem to get pregnant so easily around you.
I know that you and Megan will make great parents and I really hope that you will get that much deserved BFP soon. Hang in there. One day this will all be a small glitch on your way to becoming a family. I'm sure you'll be surrounded by kids in the future.
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