The winds are changing...

It was negative, but we were expecting that. Welcome to the eleventh hour, the eleventh month of our trying to have a baby, and a new plan.

We talked a long time about options, and here's what it looks like. We have one vial left, and we plan to use it. We wrote a long e-mail to the RE asking questions...questions about Megan's fertility, questions about drugs, questions about options. Either we'll do a low- to no-intervention cycle with no monitoring this month or take a little while off. Natural cycle sounds like a good idea to us at this point.

If this doesn't work, which we're pretty certain it won't, then we plan to look into adoption, or maybe a known donor situation. We're not going to go there with injectables and IVF right now, especially with no "guarantee" of a baby. We thought about adoption in the beginning anyway, so it's just a little rearrangement :) When I'm working full time, this will be something we can afford, but not now.

So we'll see what happens. Life goes on.

12 dpo - Deflated, of course

Megan peed on two unauthorized sticks today and both were BFN. Of course, one had a fantastic evap line, but that's all it is, an evap. Me no likey evaps.

Now we're talking about options. Break? Stop? Try with me? IVF? Injectables? Adoption? Throw selves off bridge?

More to come.

11 dpo update

We caved. BFN. It sucks, a lot, but what can you do. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's early, blah blah blah I know. But that doesn't really make it hurt any less. Granted, I've never been able to hallucinate a line on a FRER test and I could hallucinate one today, but that doesn't mean it's there. Could mean I need therapy.

Oh, and I missed my physical exam practice session today. I thought it was tomorrow. I feel like SUCH a fucking idiot. Depressed AND an idiot all in one day.

Yeah. So next try is probably our last until we can afford adoption. Or IVF. We're just out of money and out of steam and out of, yeah. This was supposed to work, DAMN IT! Why on EARTH is my healthy, young, darling partner unable to conceive??? WHY????????????

Fuck life.

Eleven. Days. Post. Ovulation.

I had another exam this morning, which I don't think went so well, but I'm reasonably sure I pulled off a Pass. Ah well. On to more obsessive things.

Today Megan is 11 dpo and we're waiting to test until at least tomorrow. I know I haven't posted much about how she's feeling, but here goes a summary:

-Dull pokey feelings in the lower pelvis, worst on CD5 and stopping on CD9.
-Bubbly or fluttery feelings in the lower pelvis, off and on all day, starting around CD6 and still going strong.
-Slightly sore bbs since ovulation, which turned to excrutiating after starting Crinone 7 dpo.
-10 minute dizzy spell 9 dpo after going to the bathroom (she had to pee reallllllly bad on a car trip), another very short one 10 dpo after standing up quickly.

Yeah, so there you have it. If it wasn't for the Crinone, we'd be sure she was pregnant with triplets or something! But no, we need to wait it out. Wait wait wait and wait some more. At least we've made it to 11 dpo without testing! We had a weak moment yesterday, but were way too lazy to go out and buy HPTs.

Oh, right, and Megan's interview! It went really well yesterday and they should let her know today if they're going to hire her! Yeah! Everyone wants my girl :) Helps that she's the BabyWhisperer, she can calm and quiet any baby.

Now it's time to go get my brownies out of the oven (YUM! Thanks Waly for the cool brownie mix!) and study, or something. Three more tests to go and then it's Boards time.

Not much to say

Not much to report here at 10 dpo, other than we made it to 10 dpo! Megan's started progesterone now so her boobs are KILLING her and she's feeling really run down. Sadly, we can't claim those as pregnancy symptoms :( So sad.

So now I spend the day studying and taking care of the dog. She must have gotten sick from the raw chicken wings we gave her the other night (normal fare for a raw-fed dog, don't worry people!!). It had been a while and we think maybe the fat was too much for her. Anyway, she has explosive, bloody diarrhea and needs to be taken out every couple hours lest she make a huge mess. And she's in season too :( Sucks to be her, poor baby.

We have 3rd season LWord on all day today to keep us distracted, and Megan has an interview coming up! Wish her luck people :)

Okay, this is seriously disgusting

So Megan has been having these bubbly/fizzy feelings in her pelvic area and I decided to ask Dr. Google if that could be an early PG symptom we could obsess over (even though since we're not newbies anymore we're not obsessing....), and when I googled it there was this GRAPHIC fiction about beastiality of all things!!! So gross, I nearly lost my appetite. And for me, that's really, really saying something. I think I'm done with Google now.

7 DPO Progesterone

Is it sad that I'm already totally deflated? Progesterone today was 7.4, which is better than the first month but not as good as last month, even though the follicles looked better. ::sigh:: So I'm feeling pretty pessimistic right now. I hope it's enough!

We made it 6 days! And good news...

I'm so glad that tomorrow is the 7th day! We're almost a week down now, so there's not much longer to go. A week from tomorrow, we'll know if we're pregnant. Won't it be neat to in just a short while to be able to say "A week from tomorrow, our baby is due?" I know pregnancy can be hard, but being able to finally know that we're going to have a baby will be MAGIC. Oh, and I borrowed this graphic from uterus x2 :) Too cute...

On a sidenote, the apartment yesterday was just too small for our needs, which was frustrating. It's on one of the BEST properties in Chestnut Hill, but it's just too too too small. Megan's interview went well too :) So yesterday was pretty good...

In other news, I passed my test!!!!!!! I was SO worried and I'm totally relieved that I passed! My friend Kiki gets e-mail on her cell phone, so we knew practically the minute they came up, and I texted Megan so she could check for me. Anyway, it was an 81, so not even a just-squeaking-by kind of grade! Celebraaaaaaaaaation!!!!!!!

So happy, really. Thank you Lord.

Another day down, and slightly less complaining

One more day down, yeah! Megan had an interview today that went well, so we'll see what comes of that. She has another one tonight at 7, and I'll be going to look at an apartment around that time too. It's a top-of-the-hill Chestnut Hill location and it's only a one bedroom, but the price is REALLY reasonable and I think we could really enjoy living there. We'll see. Anyway, it's available right in the correct window for us to move, so I'm really excited about it.

My gripe of the day, I still don't have my grades yet. The stupid class office decided to change how they hand out the course evaluation sheets, 80% of which have to be handed in before they will release the grades. So the people who were supposed to get the evals didn't get them, and now they won't let us have the grades because of THEIR mistake!!! It's an OUTRAGE!! Anyway, I'm very very irritated about this, after a long day of 8 ours in a tablet desk, all I wanted was some reliable information for goodness sake! Grrrrr....

That's all for now. I might post about the apartment and the job interview later if there's important news, if not, until tomorrow!

Whiny post

I miss my friends. They're having karaoke night and this is the first one that we've ever missed. We had stuff to do at home that we didn't really end up doing. I'm tired and cranky and miss them and am sick of fertility crap. I want to be able to go and enjoy things.

I'm sick of being broke because of job bullshit and having to pay for fertility. We can't afford anything.

I want this to all be over.

I'll probably delete this in the morning...

It's official

I'm obsessing. I just spent the last hour looking up IUI-related papers on Ovid. Time for me to put the computer away....

3/4DPO and USMLE practice. Oh, and snow.

I just finished my first-ever Board exam related test! Yahoo! It really wasn't that bad. I mean, the breadth of the material was immense, but the complexity wasn't too bad. I'm sure I failed it, but at leat I'll have a starting point.

It was SNOWING this morning. A lot. Like 2-3 inches of mushy, slushy, torrential, sideways white gunk. It's April for goodness sake!! What happened to spring??

Megan has an interview for a nanny job at 2 p.m. today, so think of her then!! I hope it goes well, these people are practically our neighbors.

Let's see...what else is going on... Does anyone out there know how to get cats to stop pissing all over creation? The damn cat peed on my pillow a few days ago, and now Megan says she smells something in the living room. I want to KILL THEM!! KILL THEM!!!!! If Megan didn't love them so much, I would be trying to find them new homes. Really really, because they're making me crazy.

Not a lot of TTC news at the moment. Implantation could be happening in the next few days, so we'll need all the positive vibes and prayers we can get! I've been reading that a 22mm follicle is perfect on Clomid, so we'll cling to that thought, and the idea that there are TWO little zygotes floating around in there due to the second ovulation. Cool beans. Literally. Ha ha...I'm SUCH a dork. You all are pretty lucky you don't know me in real life...

Anyway, time to head homeward and make my house not smell like cat piss. DAMN the stupid cats.

Toodles :D

On a darker note...

Yesterday, Saturday April 14, 2007, is the date our baby would have been due had M not miscarried at about 5 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. I hope that things have come full circle now. We're really ready for a new beginning. I just wanted to say something...

Another day down!

Today we're 2/3DPO and still doing okay. We went to church this morning (3 weeks in a row, yeah!!) and the sermon was about doubt. Anyway, to make a relatively long story short, the reading was from John and talked about Thomas doubting the resurrection, then Jesus coming back and proving to Thomas that he had risen. Anyway, the take-home message the sermon was that there is a little Thomas in all of us, and that to have faith can be HARD sometimes. Perhaps, like when you're dealing with infertilty. Medicine knows so little about fertility, really, and can't control it much, so really, all you can do at this point we're at is leave it up to a higher power and let go. And believe that higher power is out there and that things are going to happen the way they're going to happen. And things don't always go right, but to believe you shouldn't have to see. Sure, we've been praying for months for our family to grow, but that doesn't mean nobody is listening, even though it seems like it.

Okay, on a lighter note, we had a nice day together today despite the RAIN. It's raining and flooding like mad, but we went out for breakfast/lunch at IHOP (mmm waffles...) and did some much-needed grocery shopping. Since then, we've been home and lazy all day :P Chores will need to wait for later in the week, because I guess we needed the rest today. I had a nice chat with my dad too.

Anyway, I'm off to get my junk together for tomorrow. We have a practice Board exam tomorrow. Yikies!!! I can't BELIEVE this is happening already. And I might get the results of my Friday exam, which I'm *really* worried about. Really really. We'll see what happens...

Outlet mall and lots of driving

Today we slept in really late (past 10, which is really late for someone who usually gets up at 5:30) and snuggled with the dogs in the bed, then drove up to Tannersville to go to the outlets. It was nice to spend some extra time with Megan and get away from the city. We picked up a few Gymboree things she'd been wanting too, which ended up being a really good thing. She'd REALLY been wanting this stuff I guess ;)

Anyway, at 1/2 days after ovulation, we're already a bit jittery, but not in a "Oh My Lord if this doesn't work this time we're going to die" kind of way, but more in a "It is going to be really neat to see what happens" sort of way. Maybe we'll feel differently later, but so far we're doing a good job trying to relax :) Yay!

Exam day, 1 DPO, and 0 DPO?

The exam wasn't that great. I need all the prayers and good thoughts I can get, because unless I got some of those guesses right, I didn't pass. Yikes. I know I should have studied more, and I'm just hoping so hard that I squeaked by.

Megan was pretty sure that she ovulated yesterday, but today is getting more O pains, so is she perhaps ovulating again 24 hours later? Is that possible? I know she had one follicle at 22 mm and one a little smaller, so is it possible that it matured and ovulated today? Let me know if you have any input...

So this weekend will be a time for REST and RELAXATION. And probably lots of foot massages for Megan.

0 DPIUI :) Finally!

Bloods this morning showed E2 in the 130's and LH over 30! Follicle was 22 mm! And we had the IUI with no pain whatsoever. Megan is now feeling what may be ovulatory pains :)

On a darker note, Megan just got laid off from her job. The boss said she was "rearranging positions" but we're sure it's because she witnessed the boss hiding a room that wasn't up to regulations from the daycare inspectors. Anyway, she's already hot on the tails of a few other options. People suck, but we'll be ok.

SSSUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited? Oh yes, the test line was darker than the control line today, the surge hath been detected, and I called the RE. We will be getting scheduled for IUI tomorrow! So excited! FINALLY!!!!

It will never end. Really...

We figured today would bring enlightenment and all that, but no such luck. Now there are only 2 measurable follicles (both on the left) and her estrogen is rising, so it looks like ovulation might happen, only with bigger follicles. And really, really late. But we're proceeding with the cycle and have more bloodwork and another ultrasound on Thursday. Hopefully things will keep going in a positive direction and we'll be inseminating by the weekend. Megan and I totally agree, this waiting to wait thing is driving us nuts.
On the bright side, we're having a good time with Nicole :)

We have a kid!

Well, not exactly. Our kid is 18 and we don't have custody, but we do have her until Wednesday ;) Nicole, one of our old 4-H students, has come to visit us for a few days and we're having a good time. Yesterday we ran a few errands, then came home and watched movies for a few hours. Today we went to see Meet the Robinsons (again!) and had lunch. Tomorrow I think we might go to Hershey Park! Here's a photo of Megan and Nik from Thanksgiving. Isn't she a sweet-looking kid? She is. We love her dearly...


Oh, and it's snowing. Freaking April and it's snowing. Where are we, Alaska?

Anyway, Megan hasn't gotten a +OPK yet, so it looks like she's not ovulating just yet, but her other fertility signs are pointing toward ovulation in the next few days. THAT I'm excited about. Hopefully the follicles have been growing and growing, and they're nice and BIG and healthy, and will bring us a nice healthy baby or two :) More information on that to come.

So for now, I need to get my rear in gear and do a little studying. Hopefully I'll accomplish a little so I won't need to feel guilty about playing at Hershey tomorrow. Toodles!

Another crisis partially solved, ish...

Got the lab call back. Estrogen is really low at 50, LH isn't surging...4 follicles, none are mature, and they want us back on Monday. They're pursuing the cycle for now, wanting to see where it goes...I hope SOMETHING happens! So now a whole weekend of waiting for cancelled or not cancelled.... ugh.

Three crises, one resolved

It's only 10:30 and already there have been THREE crises today.

#1: Cell phone lost

I lost my cell phone this morning when I went into the city to meet with the nurse and anesthesologist about research. Couldn't find it AT ALL, and then my other phone was dying so I couldn't really give the SEPTA (commuter rail) office a number to call. I had to give Megan's. Luckily, I had just enough battery in the other phone to call my missing phone, and my school security office had it. Thank God. So that's the crisis that has been resolved.

#2: Megan is CMV negative

We SWORE we had done this test before and she was positive. We swore up one side and down the other that she was positive. The donor is positive. So now, when she went in for bloods on Sunday they drew a CMV because she hadn't been tested, and lo and behold, she's negative. Our Dr. doesn't like to do insems with CMV positive swimmers in CMV negative people. The swimmers have been shipped and are not returnable. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. So now we have to find a way to convince them to let us use it anyway. You know, how does a longtime childcare worker manage to NOT be CMV positive? She catches every darn thing the kids have and always has since she was little. Yet not CMV. Grrrrr. Anyway, I've read up a whole lot on the issue, and there's a teeny teeny tiny eensy weensy chance that she could contract CMV, but we've decided that if there's a form for us to sign to waive liability and say "we've been warned," we will. Now hopefully they will let us do that. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. Because we can't buy any more sperm. We're out of cashola. So we need to fix this or we're totally, completely screwed.

#3: The follicle situation is weird

So Megan now has 4 measurable, maturing follicles, but one that use to be on the left has vanished and she now has three on the right, one on the left, all between 14 and 16. There are lots of unmeasurable follies on her left. So anyway, the point is it's CD17 and she's clearly not ovulating yet. Again with the paranoia about the cycle getting cancelled. What the heck is UP with her body?

More to come later as we get this garbage sorted out.

The paranoia never ends, does it?

Now I'm paranoid about the cycle being cancelled. We'll see after the bloodwork and US tomorrow morning, but I'm just so freaking paranoid. Today is CD16 and noooo surge yet. I know people have had their cycles cancelled for having small follicles on CD12. Yipes yipes yipes. I'm really hoping that this cycle works out. I mean, three follicles for goodness sake! If they're growing 2-3mm per day, they should be around 18 mm tomorrow, which would be just dandy. Please hope and pray for us. Please please please let this cycle work out. ::sigh::

Last one today, I promise!

I completely forgot to post about this! It looks like we'll be taking a family vacation after I finish my board exams in June! My mom owns a timeshare, and she traded to get a 2-bedroom condo in Orlando June 23-30! And there's enough room for me, Megan, her, megan's Mom, my brother, and his GF! So it will be a whole bunch of family all together! I'm so excited that I have a family that gets along, at least in patches. My mom and dad don't speak, but they each respectively get along with everyone :) Anyway I'm stoked! Megan's mom has taken us to Disney three times in the last two years, but I'm excited to get a more overall Orlando experience, like Sea World and maybe a trip to the beach. Anyway, I just wanted to share! And here's some Disney photos...just 'cause :)

Birthday flowers for me!

Megan's mother and Me at the Wonders of Life in Epcot...on my birthday! Check out the button...

Megan and her Mom in the fake snow at Disney MGM Studios.

Okay, that's plenty of Disney for now...

The results are in!

I'm a little confused now. There's good news and not so good news.

The Good News: Megan has THREE follicles so far, all about the same size! Sure, they're only 2 12 mm's and 1 13 mm, but they're really close together in size and at least they're a little bigger than just barely measurable! So we're excited that we might have more than one follicle. Yay!

The Not-So-Good News: It's CD 15 and she's usually ovulated by now. I don't really know what to make of that, only I need to hope that those follicles will keep growing at 1-3 mm each day, like they have been since Sunday, and Megan will be ovulating in a few days!

So we'll be hoping and praying for at least one really good follicle, and hoping for more than one :) We'll see what happens!

Oddments

I am living it up this year, since it's my last spring break ever. Yep, I am totally taking advanatage of this time. So Sunday, we had bloodwork and an ultrasound. Soooooo fun! Yeah! And there were 2 barely measurable follicles on the Right, none on the left. And yesterday, yesterday was even better! I spent the whollllllle day doing a budget to make sure we don't go bankrupt! Yeah!! And today is the crowning glory. I got up at the ass-crack of dawn to go into the city to meet with someone about doing surveys, and now I've been filing our taxes all day!! Ohhh the excitement. Really. More posting later when I get the results from this morning's bloodwork and US.

And to add to the oddment, Megan's clomid MUST be affecting me somehow. We went to see Meet the Robinsons last Sunday and I CRIED in the previews and I CRIED in the movie too. I'm a super level-headed person and things like movies never never never make me cry, unless they're terribly sad. But poor little kid in the movie was abandoned at the orphanage ::sniffle::

One final oddment. I talked to my mother the other day for a while, and she kept repeating that nobody on my side of the family has ever had a fertility problem, and basically she's gotten pregnant every time there has been an opportunity. So perhaps if things with Megan don't work out, we could consider me carrying. But I really don't want to, and I think it might kill poor Megan sice she wants to carry so badly. We'll cross that bridge if we get there. Which we won't because this cycle is the one :-D