1 dpi! Yikes!

So, we decided to go private because my father's ex GF's daughter had access to the blog, and we're not telling family until we're PG this time. Soo, thanks to all of you who e-mailed! I really thought Stacey was the only one who read, but turns out there's more of you! So cool!

Anyway, yesterday was our +OPK and we feel that Megan O's really soon after a positive test, like the same day, so we think our timing was good, so now all there is to do is wait. Which is totally fine :D NO bloodwork, NO needles, NO clo-madness. Nothing. It's great :) The insem went off without a hitch last night and we're really pleased so far, so yeah. Probably not to many symptom updates this time around, as we're trying to be laid back ;) Yeah, trying to be laid back. I said it.

Megan's gone at work late tonight...so here I am bored and missing her like crazy. We're so lucky that we met in college and we spent so so much time together, and even in med school with her working from home for a long time, we saw so much of each other. Totally spoiled. But I'm glad that even after nearly 6 years, we still love spending time together so much and miss each other when we're not together :) I love her so much. I know she rarely reads this, but I love you Megan!!

School update for the day...we have a really low census at the moment, only like 6 paitents on the whole service, which is nice. Two of them are mine, which is great, because I carry up to 4 at a time and two is like a cakewalk compared to 4. Anyway, they're both really complicated. One of them has end-stage liver disease, uses cocaine and heroin, is a victim of severe domestic abuse (she's had her face reconstructed twice), and has schizophrenia and depression...she has ascites, and her legs are very swollen from the water retention and high blood pressure building up behind her cirrhotic liver. And she has recurrent pneumonia. The other patient has fevers and mental status changes but we can't find a source of the infection...we think it might be this weird disease called babesiosis. Anyway, I was on the way up the stairs with my intern and I was asking her for feedback since we're 1/2 way through the month, and she said that she couldn't think of a single thing to tell me to improve, that I was at 4th year level or higher, and that I made her life as an intern much easier and she really appreciated my help. Gaaaa!!! You know, I never got honors in my preclinical classes, just passes, so I always hoped I'd do better in the clinical years. And it looks like it might be true. I'm just SO excited that I'm doing well...it's really hard, because nobody really tells you what to do and it feels so great to be making a difference with the patients. Like my cocaine addict lady, she doesn't trust people and is really cranky at most people, but she hasn't snapped at me in a week and she calls me "honey" now (which would normally bug me, but from her, I take it as a compliment)...I'm so happy that she asks me questions and talks to me so we know what she needs! Helping people makes me so happy and I'm glad someone thinks I'm doing a good job :D I'm totally on cloud nine.

So, that's really it for now, I have a shelf exam in 2 weeks that's going to whoop my ass if I don't start studying like a crazy woman. Nighty night.

Going privada

I'm taking the private plunge with the blog...drop me an e-mail if you want to read!

Golden Weekend

Ahhhhhh. Golden weekend. Two whole days in a row of NO work, NO studying, NO nothing. This is the best thing ever. I came into this weekend so exhausted that I could barely stand up, and I'm proud to say after two good nights of sleep I'm starting to feel like a human being again. This is so the best thing ever :)

Yesterday was a really fun day...we got up and did some window shopping, had lunch together, came home, bathed the dogs outside in the backyard (they were less than amused, but it was great to not have all that mess in the house), and then worked on the house for pretty much the remainder of the day. Not that the place is filthy, just with how busy we've been there are things strewn all over where they don't belong, dishes that needed to be put away, laundry and the like. And, as anyone with dogs knows, the vacuuming REALLY needed to be done. We finished most of it yesterday and were able to get to bed at a pretty decent time. Oh yes, totally boring, but I loved every minute of it!

Today we elected to skip church to finish the house cleaning and spend some time with the dogs. They've been a little neglected lately, so we've been playing with them and working on their grooming. I'll post photos when I get a chance, but they all look HORRIBLE! if any of their breeders could see them they'd be horrified! The dog dryer and show groom supplies are still in boxes, so they just got bathed and towel-dried, so Bella is all ringlets, Zoe looks like she has tailfeathers, and Fudge looks like he's been electrocuted :P Ah well, at least they're happy and smell good :)

So today the plan is to do some window shopping, run a few errands, then have early dinner with my dad down in Glen Mills, which will be really fun. We don't see him as much as we'd like to, so these dinners are just that much more enjoyable. Plus, it helps me not think about going back to work tomorrow :( That's the one bad thing about Golden Weekends...they end.

On the docket for next weeek: finishing the dog grooming, painting the kitchen (well, finishing that), and STUDYING for my shelf exam, which is coming up way faster than I want to think about it. I suppose I should also be thinking about packing for York...like what I'm going to need to have to stay, clothes, if I need casual clothes...that kind of thing. I'm really not looking forward to leaving for that long, but what can ya do, you know?

Finally, in terms of TTC, we've been talking a lot about that and adoption lately and I think we're pretty close to reaching some decisions about when and how we're going to proceed. Megan wants us to keep those thoughts private for now, but as soon as she's comforatble with me sharing, I will :)

Ok, enough of a novel. Time to go eat :D

Part deux

So I promised more updates, so here they are!

First, Zoe is growing like a little weed. She's almost as big as Bella now and now spending nights out of the crate. I'll add a pic here for those who aren't on Facebook. She's such a little ray of sunshine and keeps us on our toes. Not much else to report there other than we're grateful that she has straight hair...makes grooming a breeeeze.

Now the apartment. I dont' really have photos to post at the moment but I might after this weekend. We love our yard, and we like the place, but it has some really irritating quirks I don't really want to get into too much right now. But this weekend we'll finish painting and cleaning (we hope) so we'll be able to post some pics then of the different rooms. We're making some headway on clearing out what will be our baby's room, but is now a catchall storage closet from Hell. But photos soon to follow!

I also promised a Disney update. So we went on vacation in June after my boards with my mom, Megan's mom, Rob (my brother) and Heather (his now fiancee) for a week, and my mom ended up buying into the Disney Vacation Club as well, so now we're going to go at Christmas this year (just us and the moms) and then we'll be doing a cruise/beach/WDW combo vacation after I graduate! I hope one day we get to use the points for something other than Disney parks...but for now, I'll just be grateful that I get to go on so many vacations!

Now for friends...not too much to say there other than I never see them anymore :( Third year is keeping us all split up so I never see anyone, which just totally sucks. I miss them, but at least I get along well with my medical team people so I'm not too lonely. And of course I have Megan, but I'm such a people-person I really crave the interaction.

Sooo...what else to talk about? I might have to do a part three because I can't remember what I was supposed to write about....lol. I'm really tired, so bedtime now for me :)

I really suck at updating this thing now

4 weeks left of internal medcine. My team switches this week, which really sucks. I've had the same intern for the last 8 weeks (at Jeff and Methodist) and he was my buddy, but now I have to get used to this new girl who isn't as nice or as helpful. My resident is switching as well, but at least I know my new one...she was the resident in the ICU at Methodist this month and did the MRAN's for my team, so I already know she's super smart, a good teacher, and a likeable person.

The pateints are really different there. It's our inside joke that the most common test we have to order is a UDS (urine drug screen). South Philadelphia is an interesting place. Historically, it's the Italian neighborhood, so there are a lot of elderly Italian people and their kids and grandkids living there. In the 80's, African American families started to move in there, and in the late 90's to 2000's, Hispanic and Asian families, so there is a very odd combination of people, religions, and values. It's also a relatively poor neighborhood with a large homeless and/or drug addicted population, so we see a lot of people who don't get regular healthcare, are addicted to drugs, and live in shelters. So on that backdrop, we have patients who are mostly hypertensive, have end-organ failure, have diabetes, are HIV+...etc etc. It's a real challenge to treat many of them beacuse they don't know their medical history, don't speak English, or any one of a variety of barriers. But I'm learning a LOT.

One thing: HIV patients are HARD to take care of, and they break my heart. My one patient I have now contracted the disease 17 years ago when she got pregnant with her youngest daughter. She is also on dialysis because she took too much of a prescription medicine for her system (not really an OD, just the wrong dose) and her kidneys failed. She doesnt' qualify for a transplant because of her HIV. Her cell count is really low, so she has to take 4 antiretroviral drugs, prophylactic medications to protect against infections...she's neutropenic, so we have to wear masks when we go in her room and she can't eat fruit or vegetables because she might get an infection. It's hard to know what we can treat her with because of the dialysis...a lot of medicines she can't have. She's also sensitive to a lot of medicines...so it makes it REALLY hard to control her pain (can't have this because of dialysis, can't have that because of allergies, can't have the other thing because it's not strong enough...then what?) This poor woman is ony 40, she never used IV drugs, never did anything wrong and she's dying. So dramatically NOT fair.

So 4 more weeks left for me of Internal Medicine, and I think that I'll keep it on my list of potential specialties. I would really enjoy Hematology/Oncology I believe, or maybe Pulm/Critical Care, but not general practice. It's a little broad of a field for me and I think I would like to have a more narrow focus. Plus, I can't stand nephrology. Kidneys are HARD!

In terms of other life stuff, we're slowly starting to get the wheels turning on starting our family again. There was just an EXPLOSION of pregnancies on the message board we post on (hi , guys ;) and Megan is really feeling the itch to get started again. We're a little antsy about the homestudy issue in our current place/situation...this battle we've been having with our landlord over the apartment (they got mad at us and decided to accuse us of having an "uninhabitable" house, filthy, with dog feces all over...complete bullshit) and we're scared that will get in the way of passing a homestudy. Shit shit shit. So we'll see about that. Part of us isn't ready to give up TTC anyway...I mean, she's 24 fucking years old, you know? argh.

Okay, it's time to go...I'll update part 2 later :D To come: the puppy, more about school, friends, the apartment...Disney of course...

Again, it's been a long time...

Or maybe it hasn't been that long, but it sure feels like it has. I'm now 5 weeks into my third year of medical school, another beginning in my super-long journey toward being a doctor. I had my first rotation at Jefferson, in internal medicine, on the Blue team, which meant I took care of patients with cancer and lung disease. Wow. Talk about a crash course in what it is to be a doctor. In the first week, we lost three patients. Granted, we thankfully didn't lose any more after that (that we know of, lots of them went home to hospice), but it was a tough first week.

There were two patients that really stood out. One was an elderly woman who had contracted hepatitis years ago and had required a liver transplant. Seven year slater, she was diagnosed with liver cancer, whic his now metastatic everywhere. The poor woman is in horrible pain all the time, has fistulas all throughout her digestive tract and a chronic abscess in her pelvis, which is colonized with a very resistant form of bacteria. She was in the hospital almost the whole time I was there, sometimes mentally with it, sometimes not...but so, so sick. Once, when the intern asked her where she said "I'm in Hell." She was suffering so much,a nd there was practically nothing to be done for her, but her daughters were terrified to lose her and wanted EVERYTHING done to keep her alive. Seeing how much she suffered, how much pain she was in, shaking there in the bed. It was just awful.

The other patient was a middle-aged woman who came in coughing, with what she thought was an exacerbation of asthma or allergies, or maybe just a reaction to the heat. She really had small-cell lung cancer. She was a heavy smoker, but had never been sick a day in her life, and now in her early 50's, she was sick with one of the worst cancers a person could get. We had to put a stent in her airway to keep the tumor from closing off her breathing before the chemo and radiation could shrink the tumor. We had to get her a stent placed, chemotherapy, and radiation al lin one day. She was very spiritual, and at one point, before her bronchoscopy, I offered to pray with her. It was amazing how much reaching out to her in that way helped her...when I left at the end of my 4 weeks, she gave me a huge hug and called me an angel; said that she knew God would be with her because he sent me to her. It was so, so touching.

Now I'm at a new hospital and will meet new patients, but I wanted to do a little update. Life is really changing, isn't it? It's just so strange how quickly I can go from being a student with my face in a book to being someone who can help people in the hospital. I don't pretend that I know enough medicine to help people in that way yet, but what I can do now feels very, very good :)

On the baby front, well, not really any progress at this time. We've had a HUGE adjustment to make with Megan's new job, the new puppy, my new school environment, the new apartment (and a bunch of landlord issues I don't even want to discuss right now), and even more that I'm sure I'm not even touching on yet...it's just been insane. So all baby plans are on temporary hold, but as soon as I have something to say, I'll say it :)

It's been a while...

Again, it's been a while. After finishing the boards, I started helping Megan to move us, we moved for two days straight, then drove down to Orlando, stayed there 10 days, drove to Hilton Head Island, drove home. Next day, Zoe came home, then two days later, I started orientation for school. I had that until yesterday at 5, then started my Medicine rotation today at 7:30. That's so totally the short version, but I may expand upon it in the future.

My first day was busy, but good. My resident is really nice and I think I'm going to be okay. I was really scared to start after orientation, but I think I'll be just fine :) I need to do a little research now, but I will try to write more later.

This is it.

I take the test tomorrow, June 18, 2007. I will arrive at the center at 7:30 and I will be done by 5. And I'm sick to my stomach and scared, but in the end, what will be will be. Think good thoughts for me, please please please. I hope I make it through without too much pain!

Busy busy

I'd love to blog, but seriously, I have no time at all. I just found out our puppy girl is coming home on July 2! We're naming her Zoe! Hereare two recent pics, one sitting in the breeder's dining room and the other in the yard. We can't wait for her to come home on the 2nd of July!

Puppy!

I had a chat with the breeder today, and it looks like all systems are GO for our puppy girl to come home on July 2. She's from a really great breeding and her grandsire is Brooks, one of my FAVORITE goldens of all time! They are just the cutest little things EVER!! Check out the video here at this link...http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6649821001861485712&pr=goog-sl. The narrative might be boring, but they are just the cutest little teddy bears EVER! They are 6.5 weeks old now and we'll know which one is ours when they are 8 weeks. We don't get her until she's 11 weeks though, after vacation.

Anyway, the litter theme is Bugs, so we need to think of a registered name with "bug" in it. Any suggestions? Things like "bug in your ear" or "snug as a bug" or "Stop bugging me!" Please make suggestions! We need input. If the name fits, we'll call her Hope, but if she's a nutcase, we might call her Luna, so the registered/call name won't necessarily match.

Anyway, back to my break time! I only have 3 hours per evening and I'm half done already :(

Would have been a great story

You know, trying for a year, and on the last try when we'd totally lost hope Megan FINALLY fell pregnant? Well, that's not a story we get to tell. Test is negative on 14 DPO, and we're done.

It's really bittersweet. I mean, we never thought this would happen. With age on our side, and her getting pregnant before, we thought that this would be easy street. I mean, how many 24-year olds REALLY have trouble getting pregnant? Most 24 year olds are trying NOT to get pregnant becuse they're so damn fertile. Not us, not us.

So here's what's next:

1. Megan starts a new job, making TWICE her current salary, on June 18! This includes benefits, and we couldn't be more trilled. She'll be working at Millionaire Estates (not really, but I stole that pseudonym from the game LIFE), writing their press releases, starring in their commercials on their private TV station, and playing games with the old rich people who live there. Yay! No more nannying!

2. We're getting a puppy! Perhaps sooner than we thought. Today we have to decide if we want a pup from the litter due to go home on June 9 or July 7. Or maybe we'll get one from the June litter and not have it come out until July so we'll be back from vacation. Either way, Hope is on her way!

3. Studying for the boards is going pretty well, but I have the weekend off :D I like weekends off.

That's it for now, time to go spend time with my girl.

They're kids, jackass! Bring them HOME.

I was just reading the news about the boy they found dead in the river in Iraq. 20 years old, barely out of high school, and apparently a great guy. Dead. Reading that news left me bawling. My neighbor from Rainier, WA was killed there too. He was also 20. I guess reading this news made me think of him, watching him ride his bike when he was a kid, and thinking for the zillionth time that this needs to stop. How many more of our kids really need to die over there?? Bring the soldiers home to their families and pump up our defenses at home.

I'm really angry right now...sorry for the mini rant. Back to work.......

Update!

I'm taking an actual break :) Yay! I ended up getting 20 pages behind yesterday, which had me COMPLETELY freaked out, but luckily I caught up today with time to spare! Yeah!!! I'm so excited that I don't have to miss my break to catch up!

So what's been going on? Megan had a really bad day at work yesterday. Basically, the family had her come in early because she had a pediatcician appointment. Then the doctor called, and told the family that they wouldn't do the Varicella vaccine just yet since she's not yet a year old. So they decided to cancel the appointment, and TELL (not ask) Megan to stay an extra 2 hours. They didn't ask if she had plans (she did), they just told her to stay. Besides, she hadn't brought lunch with her and they won't let her eat any of the food in the house, so she was STARVING. Those of you out there who have nannies, it's not okay to treat them this way. Don't just assume that their only purpose and activity in life is to serve your family. They are an employee, not a servant or slave, and common courtesy applies. Needless to say, Megan was really upset. This after they got pissed at her for not coming to babysit all day on Mother's Day Sunday on 12 hours notice.

The good news? She has an interview tomorrow for a better job tomorrow morning! Please hope, pray, chant, do whatever you do....she really needs out of this family. Come to find out the previous nanny only stayed there for 4 months...had Megan known that to begin with, she might not have taken the job.

We're 8 DPI today and still aren't hopeful. We did a test yesterday to see if the trigger shot was out of her system, and it wasn't (obviously 7dpo is way too early for a BFP anyway, so it was the shot), so I think we'll test on Sunday or something like that. Just to know that it's negative, so she can stop the crinone and we can move on with our collective lives.

Time to go clean! I'm studying at home tomorrow so my office needs to get cleaned out :) Now that the vacuum is no longer broken, I can vacuum! Yeah!!!!!!

I'm in a good mood.....

Boards, ugh

Hardly any time to blog now with the boards. Ugh. This is awful.

I just wanted to take a minute to post a photo of our new backyard! We move in one month!! Check out how deep that is, and on the right there is a little garden plot. I'm so excited :)

I'll write more when I take another real break.

The upcoming weeks

This is going to be a loooooong blog post. I have a whole lot to say and I have to say it all today, otherwise I'll have no time to blog and I'll never get to see it! I'll arrange it by topic :D To be helpful, really:

School - I made it through my second year!!!!! I passed my OSCE practical (really well, actually, the graders are on crack) and I'm sure I passed my last exam. Hell, half of it was OB/GYN and I know WAY too much about that anyway. Now on to studying for USMLE Step 1. I have until June 18 to study for the exam and I'm going to be giving 1000% until then. Tomorrow I'm making up a scheudle, then Monday I begin! I can hardly believe that this time has arrived already. I mean, how did I get here? This year flew by so fast (granted, I was preoccupied with TTC most of the time). I can hardly imagine how fast future years will go by. Anyway, I will post some updates on school, but not too many.

Apartments - I don't know if I've posted too much information about this, but we have apartment issues. Our roof has leaked since we moved in and they keep saying they've fixed it, but leak it does. So we told the landlord we were sick of it and wanted out of the lease early. Boy, they sure changed their tune. Apparently they don't want to lose us as tenants, so they want to deal. They've been showing us new apartments right and left, and we think we may have found a new place to live. It's in the best part of our nieghborhood, where there is a Starbucks, our favorite pizza place, our favorite bookstore, our church, the grocery store, our bank, a bakery, and a freaking cheese shop are all within two blocks! I LOVE living in the city sometimes :) Anyway, it has a HUGE yard (not really even by city standards, it's probably 20 feet wide and half a block deep, and fenced...all grassy. The dogs would be in HEAVEN! We haven't toured the inside yet (we will Monday), but we peeked in the windows and could see the kitchen, which is really nice, and the hallway, which is, well, adequate :P Anyway, we're very excited about it and barring catastrophe, we will be moving there before too long!! Which is great, because most of the other apartments we've seen that are less expensive are unworkable for so many reasons :(

TTC - Megan is surging today! However, since it's the weekend and our clinic is the Baby Factory of Great Confusion, we'll be going in for HCG shot on Monday and insemming that same day. It sounds totally cracked to me. Anyway, this cycle is more a formality than anything else, so I'm not overwhelmingly concerned. Meh. What can you do. Anyway, We'll enter the TWW on Monday and know if we're prego two weeks from then, safely separated from my boards testing date.

Adoption - We're trying to decide on public vs. private adoption. We really see plusses and minuses to both options, but we're just not certain yet. We really would like to start with a young child, newborn to 2 years old. We would love to adopt an older child, but since we're young now and have not experienced parenthood yet, we would rather start with an infant or toddler. If anyone out there in cyberspace has a story to share, you're welcome to share it :)

Church - We've had two meetings with Pastor Nice in the last couple of weeks and feel really good about joining. We'll officially join at the Pentecost. I'm really excited to be welcomed into a community that is so attuned to social issues and is 100% accepting of our family! And Megan is really thrilled to get back in touch with her faith, so much that she went to bible study this week and is going to join the choir (once her cold is gone). I think she really needs the human interaction beyond the girl she nannies for. SO happy this is moving forward.

Work - Megan has three interviews! One for a job that could double her income, easily, and give her a very marketable skill. PLEASE let's hope she gets it!!! Pray, hope, whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease! One other is a temporary part time thing for extra income. The other other one is a job that pays better than the nanny thing and has benefits, but isn't as great as the first one. Regardless, we have options, and we're really happy about it :)

Random life - Stupid crap keeps happening. Our vacuum is broken, our showerhead snapped off, our landlord is randomly charging us $40 for an unlock service, damn dog peed on the floor (that NEVER happens...)...blah blah blah. Really, sometimes I wonder if there's someone up there going "HA ha," you know, like Nelson on the Simpsons.

Time for me to go participate in real life now ;)

I'mDoneI'mDoneI'mDone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that was, like, hard.

Okay, sorry. I'm just so incredibly worn out that I don't have much articulate to say, other than I'm DONE and I don't have to study for two days, then I will be studying more than I ever have in my life for 5 weeks, then VACATION!!! Then I'm a Third Year. Yikes. They're going to hand me a scalpel? Crazy people.

Off to make Mac and Cheese for our crazy post-exam potluck tonight ;) More this weekend...

Scheduling, good news and bad news

I got to switch my OB/GYN rotation to Jefferson! So now I don't have to drive to NJ, which is great! The only bad thing is that my friend won't switch with me for York, so I'm still stuck there. But there's no better way to make sure we get pregnant this cycle than to make sure I have to go to York when the baby is due!

Cycle and Adoption

I really don't have time to blog, as I really need to pass my test this week so I can study for the boards, but life is really busy. And I need to talk. We're moving ahead with this cycle, even though our HSG was cancelled...so there could still be a tubal problem of some kind. We will not be TTC anymore after this cycle until I am making an income large enough to finance injectables. So we'll consider that chapter of our lives closed. Neither of us thinks that this cycle will work, so there is surprisingly little stress involved. I mean, it can't work, so why worry about it? If it does, hell, we'll be shocked.

So now we're trying to get out of our lease. We want a less expensive place, and we want away from our landlord because they will never fix the leaky roof. We've had enough! And we want to move on with life, gosh darn it! So we've seen a few places and there are some great prospects out there! Very exciting!!!

We're also doing some preliminary research on adoption agencies. Well, Megan is anyway. Trying to find a really gay-friendly one or two.

Megan is ALSO looking for a more corporate job that has good benefits and good pay. Her nanny job is fine, but the family is SuperRomanCatholic and the gay thing isn't going to go over well. So time to find something new. I'm hoping something crops up soon.

Finally, I'm getting geared up to study for boards. Wow, lots on the plate for me. Not like it isn't taking its toll. My stress level is higher than it's been since I was a kid and I cry more often than I have in a very, very long time. I hope we catch a break soon. We really need one.

This week sucks beyond sucking

-Financial difficulties
-Starting a new cycle
-Getting the HSG cancelled randomly after falling over ourselves to schedule it, and then deciding to scrap the cycle
-Un-scrapping the cycle after so many tears and stress
-Almost running out of gas late at night
-Toilet breaks
-Dog decides to be an ass and try to run out in front of a car (she's fine)
-Fucked up my physical dx practical, though not badly enough to fail
-Whined too much to my poor friends who have listened to me too much already anyway

There's more, but I just don't feel like writing any more about it now. Will it NEVER end? We just want closure, we're ready to be done with all this. One day soon we'll get another fertility workup once I'm in residency, and then we'll get pregnant with injectables or IVF, after adopting our first one or two, but Clomid is NOT going to work. There, I said it. Clomid is NOT going to work.

So there.

Protocol

Clomid: CD4-10
HSG: This Friday 2:30 p.m.
Monitoring: At home until the day of the surge, then 1 bloodwork and ultrasound to confirm
HCG: Trigger shot with the natural LH surge
Crinone: Whole LP after ovulation

The RE actually came up with this on her own, so we decided to do it. And we really want to know if her tubes/uterus are clear and decided to go full out (well, in terms of our budget this is full-out) for our last try with our last vial of swimmers.

Am I such a dork that I can't wait for Megan to do a HPT after the trigger???

Lol. yeah, I am a dork.

Oh, did I say I PASSED my Physical Dx test? I'm SO relieved. And I almost passed my practice USMLE with NO studying leading up to it, so that made me feel REALLY good. REALLY REALLY.

One more thing, we had our first personal meeting with the pastor of our new church today and it went really well. We found out our church voted unanimously to be Reconciled, which means accepting of gay families. That was just fantastic. And the congregation has a really stron social justice bend, which is appealing to us. Anyway, we meet with him again next week!

Okay, I need to study for my practice Physical Dx test which might be tomorrow. I needed to get a friend to switch times with me (Thank YOU Sarah I LOVE you!!!!) so I could go to the HSG with Megan. I hope it all works out.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

I'm sad. I just got my 3rd Year rotation schedule and I'm slated to go to YORK for 6 weeks in the Spring. YORK. Stupid Stupid Stupid YORK, which is more than two hours away from here by car, which I would not have because we only have one car and Megan will need it. Stupid Stupid Stupid YORK. And I can't switch it with anyone because it has a minimum/maximum enrollment of ONE, which is me, so I can't drop it. Maybe if I can find some nutty person who wants to switch with me, then I can get a different rotation. But this is SO not cool SO not fair.

Here's my full schedule:

July 9 - August 3 : Internal Medicine at Jefferson (Center City)

August 6 - Sept 28: Internal Medicine at Methodist (South Philadelphia)

October 1 - November 9: Surgery at Methodist (South Philadelphia)

November 12 - December 21: Anesthesiology and Ophthalmology at Bryn Mawr Hospital/Wills Eye Hospital (Center City)

January 7 - February 15: OB/GYN at Virtua West New Jersey - Vorhees (SW New Jersey, not that far away)

February 18 - March 28: Pediatrics at Delaware Valley (Jefferson and DuPont Hospital for Children)

March 31 - May 9: Family Medicine in STUPID STUPID YORK (Way the heck far away from Philadelphia)

May 12 - June 20: Psychiatry at Belmont (Center City)

So overall, not bad, except the York thing.

In other news, we still have no idea what we're doing this cycle. I called to report the start of Megan's period yesterday, and they called back saying that the doctor needed to look at the chart before they gave us instructions. WTF??? Are they telling us the doctor hasn't been looking at our chart the whole time????? I should find out today. This is bullshit. I think we need a new RE. I mean, this clinic is top in the area, top in the State, but they're really noncommunicative and apparently the doctors don't look at our chart. Fuckers.

More later...

The winds are changing...

It was negative, but we were expecting that. Welcome to the eleventh hour, the eleventh month of our trying to have a baby, and a new plan.

We talked a long time about options, and here's what it looks like. We have one vial left, and we plan to use it. We wrote a long e-mail to the RE asking questions...questions about Megan's fertility, questions about drugs, questions about options. Either we'll do a low- to no-intervention cycle with no monitoring this month or take a little while off. Natural cycle sounds like a good idea to us at this point.

If this doesn't work, which we're pretty certain it won't, then we plan to look into adoption, or maybe a known donor situation. We're not going to go there with injectables and IVF right now, especially with no "guarantee" of a baby. We thought about adoption in the beginning anyway, so it's just a little rearrangement :) When I'm working full time, this will be something we can afford, but not now.

So we'll see what happens. Life goes on.

12 dpo - Deflated, of course

Megan peed on two unauthorized sticks today and both were BFN. Of course, one had a fantastic evap line, but that's all it is, an evap. Me no likey evaps.

Now we're talking about options. Break? Stop? Try with me? IVF? Injectables? Adoption? Throw selves off bridge?

More to come.

11 dpo update

We caved. BFN. It sucks, a lot, but what can you do. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's early, blah blah blah I know. But that doesn't really make it hurt any less. Granted, I've never been able to hallucinate a line on a FRER test and I could hallucinate one today, but that doesn't mean it's there. Could mean I need therapy.

Oh, and I missed my physical exam practice session today. I thought it was tomorrow. I feel like SUCH a fucking idiot. Depressed AND an idiot all in one day.

Yeah. So next try is probably our last until we can afford adoption. Or IVF. We're just out of money and out of steam and out of, yeah. This was supposed to work, DAMN IT! Why on EARTH is my healthy, young, darling partner unable to conceive??? WHY????????????

Fuck life.

Eleven. Days. Post. Ovulation.

I had another exam this morning, which I don't think went so well, but I'm reasonably sure I pulled off a Pass. Ah well. On to more obsessive things.

Today Megan is 11 dpo and we're waiting to test until at least tomorrow. I know I haven't posted much about how she's feeling, but here goes a summary:

-Dull pokey feelings in the lower pelvis, worst on CD5 and stopping on CD9.
-Bubbly or fluttery feelings in the lower pelvis, off and on all day, starting around CD6 and still going strong.
-Slightly sore bbs since ovulation, which turned to excrutiating after starting Crinone 7 dpo.
-10 minute dizzy spell 9 dpo after going to the bathroom (she had to pee reallllllly bad on a car trip), another very short one 10 dpo after standing up quickly.

Yeah, so there you have it. If it wasn't for the Crinone, we'd be sure she was pregnant with triplets or something! But no, we need to wait it out. Wait wait wait and wait some more. At least we've made it to 11 dpo without testing! We had a weak moment yesterday, but were way too lazy to go out and buy HPTs.

Oh, right, and Megan's interview! It went really well yesterday and they should let her know today if they're going to hire her! Yeah! Everyone wants my girl :) Helps that she's the BabyWhisperer, she can calm and quiet any baby.

Now it's time to go get my brownies out of the oven (YUM! Thanks Waly for the cool brownie mix!) and study, or something. Three more tests to go and then it's Boards time.

Not much to say

Not much to report here at 10 dpo, other than we made it to 10 dpo! Megan's started progesterone now so her boobs are KILLING her and she's feeling really run down. Sadly, we can't claim those as pregnancy symptoms :( So sad.

So now I spend the day studying and taking care of the dog. She must have gotten sick from the raw chicken wings we gave her the other night (normal fare for a raw-fed dog, don't worry people!!). It had been a while and we think maybe the fat was too much for her. Anyway, she has explosive, bloody diarrhea and needs to be taken out every couple hours lest she make a huge mess. And she's in season too :( Sucks to be her, poor baby.

We have 3rd season LWord on all day today to keep us distracted, and Megan has an interview coming up! Wish her luck people :)

Okay, this is seriously disgusting

So Megan has been having these bubbly/fizzy feelings in her pelvic area and I decided to ask Dr. Google if that could be an early PG symptom we could obsess over (even though since we're not newbies anymore we're not obsessing....), and when I googled it there was this GRAPHIC fiction about beastiality of all things!!! So gross, I nearly lost my appetite. And for me, that's really, really saying something. I think I'm done with Google now.

7 DPO Progesterone

Is it sad that I'm already totally deflated? Progesterone today was 7.4, which is better than the first month but not as good as last month, even though the follicles looked better. ::sigh:: So I'm feeling pretty pessimistic right now. I hope it's enough!

We made it 6 days! And good news...

I'm so glad that tomorrow is the 7th day! We're almost a week down now, so there's not much longer to go. A week from tomorrow, we'll know if we're pregnant. Won't it be neat to in just a short while to be able to say "A week from tomorrow, our baby is due?" I know pregnancy can be hard, but being able to finally know that we're going to have a baby will be MAGIC. Oh, and I borrowed this graphic from uterus x2 :) Too cute...

On a sidenote, the apartment yesterday was just too small for our needs, which was frustrating. It's on one of the BEST properties in Chestnut Hill, but it's just too too too small. Megan's interview went well too :) So yesterday was pretty good...

In other news, I passed my test!!!!!!! I was SO worried and I'm totally relieved that I passed! My friend Kiki gets e-mail on her cell phone, so we knew practically the minute they came up, and I texted Megan so she could check for me. Anyway, it was an 81, so not even a just-squeaking-by kind of grade! Celebraaaaaaaaaation!!!!!!!

So happy, really. Thank you Lord.

Another day down, and slightly less complaining

One more day down, yeah! Megan had an interview today that went well, so we'll see what comes of that. She has another one tonight at 7, and I'll be going to look at an apartment around that time too. It's a top-of-the-hill Chestnut Hill location and it's only a one bedroom, but the price is REALLY reasonable and I think we could really enjoy living there. We'll see. Anyway, it's available right in the correct window for us to move, so I'm really excited about it.

My gripe of the day, I still don't have my grades yet. The stupid class office decided to change how they hand out the course evaluation sheets, 80% of which have to be handed in before they will release the grades. So the people who were supposed to get the evals didn't get them, and now they won't let us have the grades because of THEIR mistake!!! It's an OUTRAGE!! Anyway, I'm very very irritated about this, after a long day of 8 ours in a tablet desk, all I wanted was some reliable information for goodness sake! Grrrrr....

That's all for now. I might post about the apartment and the job interview later if there's important news, if not, until tomorrow!

Whiny post

I miss my friends. They're having karaoke night and this is the first one that we've ever missed. We had stuff to do at home that we didn't really end up doing. I'm tired and cranky and miss them and am sick of fertility crap. I want to be able to go and enjoy things.

I'm sick of being broke because of job bullshit and having to pay for fertility. We can't afford anything.

I want this to all be over.

I'll probably delete this in the morning...

It's official

I'm obsessing. I just spent the last hour looking up IUI-related papers on Ovid. Time for me to put the computer away....

3/4DPO and USMLE practice. Oh, and snow.

I just finished my first-ever Board exam related test! Yahoo! It really wasn't that bad. I mean, the breadth of the material was immense, but the complexity wasn't too bad. I'm sure I failed it, but at leat I'll have a starting point.

It was SNOWING this morning. A lot. Like 2-3 inches of mushy, slushy, torrential, sideways white gunk. It's April for goodness sake!! What happened to spring??

Megan has an interview for a nanny job at 2 p.m. today, so think of her then!! I hope it goes well, these people are practically our neighbors.

Let's see...what else is going on... Does anyone out there know how to get cats to stop pissing all over creation? The damn cat peed on my pillow a few days ago, and now Megan says she smells something in the living room. I want to KILL THEM!! KILL THEM!!!!! If Megan didn't love them so much, I would be trying to find them new homes. Really really, because they're making me crazy.

Not a lot of TTC news at the moment. Implantation could be happening in the next few days, so we'll need all the positive vibes and prayers we can get! I've been reading that a 22mm follicle is perfect on Clomid, so we'll cling to that thought, and the idea that there are TWO little zygotes floating around in there due to the second ovulation. Cool beans. Literally. Ha ha...I'm SUCH a dork. You all are pretty lucky you don't know me in real life...

Anyway, time to head homeward and make my house not smell like cat piss. DAMN the stupid cats.

Toodles :D

On a darker note...

Yesterday, Saturday April 14, 2007, is the date our baby would have been due had M not miscarried at about 5 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. I hope that things have come full circle now. We're really ready for a new beginning. I just wanted to say something...

Another day down!

Today we're 2/3DPO and still doing okay. We went to church this morning (3 weeks in a row, yeah!!) and the sermon was about doubt. Anyway, to make a relatively long story short, the reading was from John and talked about Thomas doubting the resurrection, then Jesus coming back and proving to Thomas that he had risen. Anyway, the take-home message the sermon was that there is a little Thomas in all of us, and that to have faith can be HARD sometimes. Perhaps, like when you're dealing with infertilty. Medicine knows so little about fertility, really, and can't control it much, so really, all you can do at this point we're at is leave it up to a higher power and let go. And believe that higher power is out there and that things are going to happen the way they're going to happen. And things don't always go right, but to believe you shouldn't have to see. Sure, we've been praying for months for our family to grow, but that doesn't mean nobody is listening, even though it seems like it.

Okay, on a lighter note, we had a nice day together today despite the RAIN. It's raining and flooding like mad, but we went out for breakfast/lunch at IHOP (mmm waffles...) and did some much-needed grocery shopping. Since then, we've been home and lazy all day :P Chores will need to wait for later in the week, because I guess we needed the rest today. I had a nice chat with my dad too.

Anyway, I'm off to get my junk together for tomorrow. We have a practice Board exam tomorrow. Yikies!!! I can't BELIEVE this is happening already. And I might get the results of my Friday exam, which I'm *really* worried about. Really really. We'll see what happens...

Outlet mall and lots of driving

Today we slept in really late (past 10, which is really late for someone who usually gets up at 5:30) and snuggled with the dogs in the bed, then drove up to Tannersville to go to the outlets. It was nice to spend some extra time with Megan and get away from the city. We picked up a few Gymboree things she'd been wanting too, which ended up being a really good thing. She'd REALLY been wanting this stuff I guess ;)

Anyway, at 1/2 days after ovulation, we're already a bit jittery, but not in a "Oh My Lord if this doesn't work this time we're going to die" kind of way, but more in a "It is going to be really neat to see what happens" sort of way. Maybe we'll feel differently later, but so far we're doing a good job trying to relax :) Yay!

Exam day, 1 DPO, and 0 DPO?

The exam wasn't that great. I need all the prayers and good thoughts I can get, because unless I got some of those guesses right, I didn't pass. Yikes. I know I should have studied more, and I'm just hoping so hard that I squeaked by.

Megan was pretty sure that she ovulated yesterday, but today is getting more O pains, so is she perhaps ovulating again 24 hours later? Is that possible? I know she had one follicle at 22 mm and one a little smaller, so is it possible that it matured and ovulated today? Let me know if you have any input...

So this weekend will be a time for REST and RELAXATION. And probably lots of foot massages for Megan.

0 DPIUI :) Finally!

Bloods this morning showed E2 in the 130's and LH over 30! Follicle was 22 mm! And we had the IUI with no pain whatsoever. Megan is now feeling what may be ovulatory pains :)

On a darker note, Megan just got laid off from her job. The boss said she was "rearranging positions" but we're sure it's because she witnessed the boss hiding a room that wasn't up to regulations from the daycare inspectors. Anyway, she's already hot on the tails of a few other options. People suck, but we'll be ok.

SSSUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited? Oh yes, the test line was darker than the control line today, the surge hath been detected, and I called the RE. We will be getting scheduled for IUI tomorrow! So excited! FINALLY!!!!

It will never end. Really...

We figured today would bring enlightenment and all that, but no such luck. Now there are only 2 measurable follicles (both on the left) and her estrogen is rising, so it looks like ovulation might happen, only with bigger follicles. And really, really late. But we're proceeding with the cycle and have more bloodwork and another ultrasound on Thursday. Hopefully things will keep going in a positive direction and we'll be inseminating by the weekend. Megan and I totally agree, this waiting to wait thing is driving us nuts.
On the bright side, we're having a good time with Nicole :)

We have a kid!

Well, not exactly. Our kid is 18 and we don't have custody, but we do have her until Wednesday ;) Nicole, one of our old 4-H students, has come to visit us for a few days and we're having a good time. Yesterday we ran a few errands, then came home and watched movies for a few hours. Today we went to see Meet the Robinsons (again!) and had lunch. Tomorrow I think we might go to Hershey Park! Here's a photo of Megan and Nik from Thanksgiving. Isn't she a sweet-looking kid? She is. We love her dearly...


Oh, and it's snowing. Freaking April and it's snowing. Where are we, Alaska?

Anyway, Megan hasn't gotten a +OPK yet, so it looks like she's not ovulating just yet, but her other fertility signs are pointing toward ovulation in the next few days. THAT I'm excited about. Hopefully the follicles have been growing and growing, and they're nice and BIG and healthy, and will bring us a nice healthy baby or two :) More information on that to come.

So for now, I need to get my rear in gear and do a little studying. Hopefully I'll accomplish a little so I won't need to feel guilty about playing at Hershey tomorrow. Toodles!

Another crisis partially solved, ish...

Got the lab call back. Estrogen is really low at 50, LH isn't surging...4 follicles, none are mature, and they want us back on Monday. They're pursuing the cycle for now, wanting to see where it goes...I hope SOMETHING happens! So now a whole weekend of waiting for cancelled or not cancelled.... ugh.

Three crises, one resolved

It's only 10:30 and already there have been THREE crises today.

#1: Cell phone lost

I lost my cell phone this morning when I went into the city to meet with the nurse and anesthesologist about research. Couldn't find it AT ALL, and then my other phone was dying so I couldn't really give the SEPTA (commuter rail) office a number to call. I had to give Megan's. Luckily, I had just enough battery in the other phone to call my missing phone, and my school security office had it. Thank God. So that's the crisis that has been resolved.

#2: Megan is CMV negative

We SWORE we had done this test before and she was positive. We swore up one side and down the other that she was positive. The donor is positive. So now, when she went in for bloods on Sunday they drew a CMV because she hadn't been tested, and lo and behold, she's negative. Our Dr. doesn't like to do insems with CMV positive swimmers in CMV negative people. The swimmers have been shipped and are not returnable. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. So now we have to find a way to convince them to let us use it anyway. You know, how does a longtime childcare worker manage to NOT be CMV positive? She catches every darn thing the kids have and always has since she was little. Yet not CMV. Grrrrr. Anyway, I've read up a whole lot on the issue, and there's a teeny teeny tiny eensy weensy chance that she could contract CMV, but we've decided that if there's a form for us to sign to waive liability and say "we've been warned," we will. Now hopefully they will let us do that. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. Because we can't buy any more sperm. We're out of cashola. So we need to fix this or we're totally, completely screwed.

#3: The follicle situation is weird

So Megan now has 4 measurable, maturing follicles, but one that use to be on the left has vanished and she now has three on the right, one on the left, all between 14 and 16. There are lots of unmeasurable follies on her left. So anyway, the point is it's CD17 and she's clearly not ovulating yet. Again with the paranoia about the cycle getting cancelled. What the heck is UP with her body?

More to come later as we get this garbage sorted out.

The paranoia never ends, does it?

Now I'm paranoid about the cycle being cancelled. We'll see after the bloodwork and US tomorrow morning, but I'm just so freaking paranoid. Today is CD16 and noooo surge yet. I know people have had their cycles cancelled for having small follicles on CD12. Yipes yipes yipes. I'm really hoping that this cycle works out. I mean, three follicles for goodness sake! If they're growing 2-3mm per day, they should be around 18 mm tomorrow, which would be just dandy. Please hope and pray for us. Please please please let this cycle work out. ::sigh::

Last one today, I promise!

I completely forgot to post about this! It looks like we'll be taking a family vacation after I finish my board exams in June! My mom owns a timeshare, and she traded to get a 2-bedroom condo in Orlando June 23-30! And there's enough room for me, Megan, her, megan's Mom, my brother, and his GF! So it will be a whole bunch of family all together! I'm so excited that I have a family that gets along, at least in patches. My mom and dad don't speak, but they each respectively get along with everyone :) Anyway I'm stoked! Megan's mom has taken us to Disney three times in the last two years, but I'm excited to get a more overall Orlando experience, like Sea World and maybe a trip to the beach. Anyway, I just wanted to share! And here's some Disney photos...just 'cause :)

Birthday flowers for me!

Megan's mother and Me at the Wonders of Life in Epcot...on my birthday! Check out the button...

Megan and her Mom in the fake snow at Disney MGM Studios.

Okay, that's plenty of Disney for now...

The results are in!

I'm a little confused now. There's good news and not so good news.

The Good News: Megan has THREE follicles so far, all about the same size! Sure, they're only 2 12 mm's and 1 13 mm, but they're really close together in size and at least they're a little bigger than just barely measurable! So we're excited that we might have more than one follicle. Yay!

The Not-So-Good News: It's CD 15 and she's usually ovulated by now. I don't really know what to make of that, only I need to hope that those follicles will keep growing at 1-3 mm each day, like they have been since Sunday, and Megan will be ovulating in a few days!

So we'll be hoping and praying for at least one really good follicle, and hoping for more than one :) We'll see what happens!

Oddments

I am living it up this year, since it's my last spring break ever. Yep, I am totally taking advanatage of this time. So Sunday, we had bloodwork and an ultrasound. Soooooo fun! Yeah! And there were 2 barely measurable follicles on the Right, none on the left. And yesterday, yesterday was even better! I spent the whollllllle day doing a budget to make sure we don't go bankrupt! Yeah!! And today is the crowning glory. I got up at the ass-crack of dawn to go into the city to meet with someone about doing surveys, and now I've been filing our taxes all day!! Ohhh the excitement. Really. More posting later when I get the results from this morning's bloodwork and US.

And to add to the oddment, Megan's clomid MUST be affecting me somehow. We went to see Meet the Robinsons last Sunday and I CRIED in the previews and I CRIED in the movie too. I'm a super level-headed person and things like movies never never never make me cry, unless they're terribly sad. But poor little kid in the movie was abandoned at the orphanage ::sniffle::

One final oddment. I talked to my mother the other day for a while, and she kept repeating that nobody on my side of the family has ever had a fertility problem, and basically she's gotten pregnant every time there has been an opportunity. So perhaps if things with Megan don't work out, we could consider me carrying. But I really don't want to, and I think it might kill poor Megan sice she wants to carry so badly. We'll cross that bridge if we get there. Which we won't because this cycle is the one :-D

Beach!

With all the crap we've been going through in the last couple days, we needed a break. Badly badly. So today I planned for us to go down to Cape Henlopen with the dogs for a day at the beack, and it was fantastic. We even let them (illegally) romp off leash for a little while. We needed the time to get away from TTC and the city and regroup, focus on our relationship, and get ready to tackle the upcoming TWW. Anyway, here are some photos from today! I love our doggies :)Me giving Fudge a scratch. He loves to circle around between my legs...
Bella trying to bury Megan in the sand! Her favorite beach activity!
You can't see really well, but Fudge looks dignified and Bella looks drenched (which she was, from romping in the tidepool).

Tomorrow we're going for bloodwork and US in the morning, then we're going to church (finally!), and in the afternoon/evening we're spending some time with our friends Melissa and Zach and their dogs. What a good way to start spring break :)

The overwhelmingness of life

So I have been a bipolar wreck this week. What with all the stress of dealing with TTC, Megan acclimating to a new job, starting a new (really hard) block at school, and getting ready to go on a Spring Break that will not involve much of anything fun ::sigh:: I've had several teary breakdowns and that is SO not like me. I'm a very level sort of person, and this type of behavior is really freaking me out. Karisa? Where are you? Please come back!! I miss you...

In brighter news, it looks like I will get to be involved in some anesthesia research at my school, which is just fantastic. Exposure to the field I hope to work in, stuff to put on my CV...great stuff! I'm really thrilled about it.

Also good news, my dear friend Jennifer has just been reunited with her husband just over a year after their wedding. He's from El Salvador and he couldn't get a visa/passport until NOW. Over a year since the marriage. I'm so glad that they're finally together. You know, looking at that reminds me how lucky I am to have Megan with me every day, and how fortunate I am to have my family. That's what's really important. We'll be able to have a baby one day, somehow, and when we do it will be perfect. But what I have is beautiful. I need to remember that more often.

So, I'll be trying to not be sad that my friends are in Florida, Puerto Rico, Germany, Argentina, or getting re-acquainted with long-lost spouses this week. I'll be looking forward to the bloods and US for Megan on Sunday, and IUI sometime this week. Hopefully this cycle is going to bring us our Christmas baby/babies. Lord, we're praying for a miracle.

Off to bed...tomorrow will be CD12.

In a holding pattern

Not too much to report so far. Megan had her last dose of Clomid yesterday, and today is CD9...so we should be back in business before too long. We got a huge box of gymboree stuff in the mail yesterday, and I do mean huge. We have enough to clothe a small army of toddlers! It's crazy. Anyway, Megan was really in the mood to talk and look at baby stuff yesterday and I really wasn't. This last BFN was really hard for me and I'm only just now getting to the point of not obsessing too much about the whole thing. Maybe today I'll be in more of a baby mood.

Good news is that I finally was able to study some yesterday! I feel like I'm getting back on track, which is really nice. On the bad side, the effing cat peed on my white coat, so I don't have it for grand rounds today. Stupid little shit cat. I swear he's going to goi flying out the window and onto the street one of these days...::growls::

Off to class. Hematology. Yay.

Longest wait EVER!

And we haven't even done the insem yet! I don't know what it is, but the time leading up to the IUI for me this time is dragging on and on and on. It's like the TWW, only we're hardly waiting for news! ::sigh::

I need to promise myself to stay out of the blogosphere. All the people who have KD's with perfect motility and/or get pregnant on the first try make me jealous, and it's such an unhealthy emotion for me. Megan's body is what it is, our life is what it is, and other people are exactly that. Other people. Not us. Our journey is unique and nobody else is like us. This will happen in time. Everything worth having in life is worth waiting for. Everything.

Oh yes. That's the mantra.

A hard day

I feel so bad for Megan. It's only the second day of clomid and she's already getting symptoms. Hopefully this translates to something GOOD for us!!

I also feel bad for her because I'm having a negative day. Out there in the blogosphere, it just seems like everyone gets pregnant on the first try or has to do IVF. I mean, I know that's not the case at all, but my goodness, I just feel so much like this might never work. I mean, I trust the RE and I know that she's doing her best. I trust Megan to take care of her body. And I know our new swimmers are going to be GREAT! But still, I'm so stressed out. I just feel like if it doesn't work this time it's going to kill me. I now I need to work on that attitude, but it's just so challenging.

And I'm torn about the monitoring too. I mean, we really, really, really can't afford to have the $800 of bloodwork done every month. And we can't afford the $1000 for ultrasounds either. We can do the US at the hospital for free, which will be great, because the results can still get to the RE realtime. But the bloodwork, I don't know. What if we don't catch the surge well enough with the OPK at home? Argh!!! I'm just so...yeah. Sad that we have to make this decision. Yeah. Why can't we just have all the money in the world? That would make it much more simple. One day, we'll have enough. One day, I'll be able to support Megan and our family and we won't have to worry about these things. One day SOON. Just not now. I just can't give her enough right now.

I think I'm going to cry.

So, I guess I need to get away from the computer for a while. If I had a picture of a sad face I would put it on here...

Time for some changes

Megan's period finally came, after a little thrill that we might have been pregnant anyway. ::sigh:: So now we're CD 4 and Megan just started Clomid again. This higher dose is already affecting her...she's moody and her bbs hurt already. Fun week for me! Oh yeah.

So here's what we're doing differently this time, our luckiest fantastic 8th time:

New donor from Xytex, who should have fantastic motility!

Higher dose of Clomid (150 mg), so Megan will have better ovulation!

IUI, to put those swimmers riiiight where they ought to be!

So, like I said, twins for us at Christmas ;) Noel and Jesus. Mary and Joseph? Mary and...Mary?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this try. When I talked to the nurse, she mentioned that Megan's follicles weren't that great the last couple times...but you know what? She had 18 mm the first time, and the second time she had 18mm (and like a 15 mm immature one) a day or two before ovulation, which is more like she had 20 or 22 mm mature follicle, so that's totally good! So on the higher dose, it should be better. The scary thing I guess is that if this cycle doesn't work out, she'll take clomid for a longer time, and that will be our last Clomid try. Then it's injectables. A lot to think about. So overall, I'm feeling good about this try. That's all we can do, right? Look forward with optimism and never, never look back.

In other news, I got an 87 on my test :) I'm very, very pleased :) Really really :) And I signed up for my 3rd year rotations. I'll post my schedule when I get it!

So. Yeah. I don't know...

So Megan hasn't gotten her period yet, and she's been off progesterone for almost 3 days. So we're not sure what to think. It came WAY faster last time...ugh. Limbo is the worst worst worst thing!!!

Though, when she finally does get her period, we have a new donor! Yeah! And he has lots of vials available! Yeah!

More later......

This. Means. WAR!

So now that we've had an hour to recover, we have declared WAR on infertility! War I say! We will be switching banks and donors, moving on to IUI, and probably increasing the Clomid dose. Oh yea, I said it. WAR!!! Christmas baby, here we come!

Ha. Oh yeah. This time will be it.

BFN, again.

So it's negative, and the nurse didn't even call us, she just left a message on LabCalls. Ick. We're of course pretty upset, so next month it is. I guess that lucky number 7 and the Luck of the Irish together aren't even enough. ::sigh::

Beta...blah 13/14 dpi

Wating for the beta....and waiting...and waiting...

11/12 DPI and Deflated

Yesterday Megan was feeling even more pregnant than ever before, so we got all geared up and tested this morning, which we think was 11 DPO. And got a very negative test :( So, even though it's really early, I'm feeling deflated. It's so hard that it feels like, for our age, we've been at this thing way too long and nothing seems to be working out the way it should. I mean, we changed donors, got the fertility meds, and still nothing. I don't know, I wouldn't call this a pessimistic feeling, just a reality check that this is a long, long road for some people.



On the message board I post on there have been about 5 or 6 new pregnancies this month. Some of them are people on their first try, all the way up through an "Old Codger" who has been trying (medicated) for ages and just got pregnant on a natural cycle. I don't know, I'm happy for them, especially those who this has been such a long road for, but I'm a little disappointed. I mean, at 24, Megan should have top-notch fertility. She should have been one of those who made it on the first try. And, well, we sort of did, but...::sigh:: I don't know.



I'm still hopeful that we'll get a different answer when she goes in for a Beta, but at least now I'm very in touch with the reality of this situation.


Back to studies. Serious exam tomorrow that's going to kick my lousy distracted ass. Ophthalmology, Psychiatry, Neurology, and a little Anesthesia to boot. *I* need anesthesia!!! But I'm doing this for Fudge...Right...here he is again for your enjoyment ;) How could you not try hard for him?

My God, I'm going nuts.

9/10 DPI...how can time be going by this slow

You know, with how long we've been doing this you would think that we would be more patient during the wait. I mean really, this is our seventh cycle and We've been trying for 10 months, so really, really, we should have learned by now to be patient, that these things take time, and that if we're not pregnant, it's not the end of the world! We just try next time, and everything will be all hunky-dory. Right? Yeah, right. And I'm the Queen of England.

I think that by now God has installed earplugs so He doesn't need to listen to my praying anymore. I've been so distracted today, partly because it's getting close to T-Day (ha ha test day) and because I haven't been able to talk to Megan alllll day. She's at work, bringing home the bacon like the awesome woman she is, but I really want to talk to her! I want to know if she has symptoms ::devilish grin::

So I need to get back to work...or Kiki and Waly might get mad and take away my computer so I focus more on my studies..........

AGONZING

So, I'm an idiot and I left my class syllabus in the car last night after L-Word, so I couldn't really go to class today. Megan will be home soon, and then I can get back on track, but DAMN IT I needed to study!!! So I've been cozied up with my pathology text all day and am taking a break from Multiple Sclerosis. I'm so worried because I feel really behind, and Neuro/Ophth/Psych are really challenging, but I don't really have room to complain. Not like it will change anything! Luckily, I have no affiliate visit or small group/clinical skills sessions this week, so I can focus on my studies and hopefully catch up. At least I'm only 8 lectures behind on listening/highlighting and I think 19 on highlighting only, so that's a surmountable challenge. And I'm doing it all for Fudge, right? Here he is...my inspiration...

This wait is AGONY. Pure agony. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle, that this our 7th try will work, but I'm so worried at the same time. Megan's cramps/sore breasts/sleepiness and insomnia/etc are so promising, but they could be just as easily explained by Clomid and Progesterone, so. Yeah. I don't know what to think. Please please please Lord please...

At least I only have a few more days left, which will fly by because of it being an exam week. And then we'll know! And then we'll truck on, either way :) Yes, that's the mantra...

Flower show and cramps

So today we went to the Philadelphia Flower Show...it was okay, but flowers aren't really so much my thing. I think Megan really liked it though! The theme of the show was Ireland, so there were some kids there doing Irish dancing which I am always really impressed by. There was even this itty bitty little girl dancing. So cute!

Anyway, today Megan mentioned some cramping, which of course got me all excited. I'm hoping so much that this will be it! And hey, she really feels positive about this time, so I have to feel positive too you know. I think we'll be able to hold out until at least 10 days to test, but hopefully we'll make it to 13 days, so Friday-ish. That way I can have SOME idea what the answer will be before taking my test on Friday.

So now it's off to Kiki and Waly's place to watch the L-Word, then home to feed the doggers and crash into bed. Fun times, as always :)

Studying and shopping

So today was a bigtime study day for me, and we also went out and did some window shopping for baby stuff. Nothing was to die for cute, so nothing came home with us. We did get 3 cloth diapers in the mail from my mother today though, which was pretty cool. She's really good at making those things! It's getting late already, but I think I'm going to try to review another lecture tonight before we head bed-ward.

On the babycenter list today, there was a positive from my group! A woman doing IVF got a postive today, which is just so exciting. I'm so happy for her! It's easy to be happy and excited for the IVFers :)

As for Megan today, her resolution to not tell me any of her feelings has broken down and she told me today that her breasts hurt pretty badly and she's feeling a bit twingy in her pelvis/thighs. We're both SO hopeful this time around, that it's going to be a pretty bad fall if we don't end up pregnant. This is our 7th try overall, so we feel a little like our number might be up, and hey, her progesterone was A LOT better post-ovulation this time, so maybe it was a really good follicle. And she was SO fertile when we did the insem...

Anyway, back to work for me. Tomorrow I won't get a lot done because we're going to the flower show downtown, dinner with Melissa and Zach, and L-Word at Kiki and Waly's. Busy busy!

Serum Progesterone 9.8

So Megan had her progesterone level today (5/6 DPI, and about 5 DPO) and it was 9.8, way better than last month's 6.1! I think that means she had much better ovulation this time, so we're definitely excited. That's the first bit of good news. That and her boobs hurt, but who's keeping track...

Second bit of good news, today was Family Day at school and I went with my dad. We had a really nice time and he got to meet all my friends and their parents. It was nice to take some time off from school and just hang out and be a human being.

Now for the not-so-good news. I'm WAY behind in school and ALL I can think about is baby stuff and my personal academic ineptitude. Great way to go into a test week if you ask me. And I'm hyper-dis tractable so for example when Megan asked me to turn up the volume on the TV, I practically had a panic attack. I'm surely, surely going crazy. But Kiki said I can pass, so pass my test I will. This time, I'm doing it for Fudgie. Yeah, yeah I said it. I am putting my all into classes for 6 days so I can dedicate my performance to my dog. Damn I'm a sad person sometimes.... Oh, and did I mention that I also still have a cold, and I also am taking antihistamines, and I also feel REALLY fat and can't seem to stop eating...great.
I've managed to now study ONE lecture, so I'm taking my blog break. Now back to studying, one more lecture before I get to go to BED!! Toodles.

Plodding along

So today we're at 4/5 DPI and Megan is keeping mum. She says she is COMPLETELY ignoring any and all possible signs and symptoms this time, so I get to be kept totally in the dark. Yay. I'm just thinking about our timing, and how good it was, and that our donor has pregnancies reported. I'm hoping that all that will come together positively for us and this will be our month!

I can't blog for too long today...I have to STUDY. I'm incredibly behind, though not as badly as I was before. I'm a little worried that I won't be able to pull out the grades I need to (like in the 80's nothing fancy), so this next week is going to stink. A lot. At least Megan's beta shouldn't be during my test....

2 DPI

We inseminated on Saturday and Sunday, so that makes us 2/3 DPI today. Megan started a new job yesterday, which she really likes! She's working with young infants at a really relaxed daycare center and feels like she's making a difference. It's nice she has a distraction from the TWW as well :)

As for me, I'm just over 2 months away from being finished with my second year of medical school. Grades have been much better this year (thanks to my supportive partner and new study buddy, Kiki!) and I can't wait to start rotations in the summer. I dropped out of the MBA program...for many reasons, but too many to list here. Anyway, I'm glad I'm staying with my class now.

We're hoping that this, our 7th try, will be the charm. We felt like our timing was great and Megan seemed VERY fertile at the time, so we're hoping for the best :) Cheers.

It's been a while...

So here's a recap of the last few months:

After miscarriage #2, we tried three more times with all the natural fertility booster stuff. None of those cycles worked out...we weren't even completely sure Megan ovulated. We started seeing the RE somewhere in there, and tried to monitor a couple of cycles (1 trying, 1 breaking) but Megan needed provera both times to bring on a period. Regardless, she got a diagnosis out of it: Habitual Aborter. Isn't that lovely? They really don't like mincing words do they?

On the breaking month, we were having a VERY hard time. Megan and I were heavily, heavily taxed by the miscarriages and our relationship started to fall apart...so we took some time, went to WA for Thanksgiving to see friends and family, then after a whirlwind December of a friend visiting, two new clinically-oriented blocks at school, a pre-Christmas trip to Disney World with Megan's mother, and Christmas at home with Megan's mother, we were pretty ready to start again.

We got ourselves a new donor, as our old one ran out and we decided our old bank were a buch of Schmucks (I picked from a Megan-approved list). The RE to prescribed Clomid 50 mg and progesterone suppositories, and in February, we tried again to no avail. It maybe, maybe was a chemical but we didn't test. We just COULD NOT handle another chemical pregnancy, so we waited for a Beta on 15 DPO and it was negative :( Though, it was nice because on the 50 mg Clomid Megan's cycle was pretty close to 30 days and she had one follicle. So for this cycle, the Clomid is upped to 100 mg and she had one (better) follicle and an excellent LH surge which we detected at home easily! Things are much, much easier this way. But more expensive. I think each cycle is costing us about $1,500 now with all the monitoring.

So now that we have a better, stronger relationship, a better outlook, and some fertility meds, we're back in business. We just started the two-week wait for try #7, this time on 100 mg Clomid, so wish us luck! May this be the LAST TWW we have to do while trying to conceive our first child.

I do have to say, that since last August we have amassed enough clothing for an army of children, thanks to Megan's mother, and have started a cloth diaper stash. My mother loves making the diapers and even bought an embroidery machine to make them extra pretty. So cool! And we might be moving...more on that later...

Aftermath

It's been a little over a week now and things are getting back to normal. Last week we went camping in Harper's Ferry, WV and had a great time just spending time together and relaxing. The dogs I think were the most happy of all. Fudge was positively giddy about being outside. We cooked on the campfire, made s'mores, swam, hiked...all that kind of good stuff. We had a few sad moments, particularly when we went to the outlet mall and were looking at baby stuff. Saturday was another hard day...We basically stayed home all day and read/watched TV. Nothing else. I think now that we're looking on to our third try the pain will lessen a bit. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with all of this.

Our plan this time is to use natural fertility boosters/light remedies for common fertility problems. In addition to her prenatal vitamin, Megan is taking low-dose aspirin, vitex, and evening primrose oil (EPO) supplements before ovulation. After ovulation, she'll drop the EPO and use progesterone cream instead. We're hoping that will do the trick so we don't have to see the doctor about things. Megan realllllllly doesn't want to visit the doctor. She truly hates them and prefers to control her own health...funny that I'll be a doctor one day soon...

Anyway, with a little luck, Megan will ovulate this weekend and we'll be back in the game. Here's to hoping that this will be our last try!

Not again.

Yes, yes again. We had a chemical pregnancy again. This time was so much harder because we knew the positive was REALLY a positive and Megan's symptoms were so much stronger. Life just isn't fair.

It depends on who you ask

FertilityFriend says 13 dpo. TCOYF says 12 dpo. Either way, we're pregnant! We tested this morning with Dollar Tree and last night with EPT early, and it looks like all systems are GO! We're so excited, I can't even say. Gaaaa! We're not telling the world until we get a positive EPT Digitial though, because that one is less sensitive. But OMG we're just so thrilled.

The latest: 12 DPICI

So we've tested a few times now, using mostly dollar-store cheapies and one First Response Early Result. The cheapies have shown increasingly visible but still barely shadows of lines. The FRER gave us nothin'. Zip, zero, zilcho. But the cheapies are getting darker, so we're still hanging in there and staying hopeful. M's bbs are still killing her, so we'll see what happens :)

11 DPICI

We were really hoping to have clearcut good news this morning, but we've got nothing! Well, we may have a little something. I think there was a very faint line on the test this morning, so faint that I could barely see it and Megan actually couldn't see it, but I'm sure there was something there. We'll have to let you know tomorrow!

9/10 DPICI, one more day until testing!

This weekend looked good. It really did. Megan had sore bbs and a few episodes of cramping. I've been doing lots of chatting to her tummy in hopes I can encourage the embryo-let to implant, hang on, and develop into the baby we're trying to hard for! The only thing frustrating this weekend was a pretty steep temperature dip, down .2 degrees yesterday and again today. I'm really hoping that it's an implantation dip (which it still could be at this point!!!). Gosh, this waiting thing makes me crazy.

I'll write more tomorrow I hope :) I am hoping hoping hoping to have good news!

6/7 DPICI today

We have some tentative good news to report! Today we've added some additional symptoms, namely very sore, bruised-feeling bbs and throbbing in the lower belly. M says the throbbing isn't painful, but that it feels bubbly "with a heartbeat" in her uterus. I'm sure hoping and praying this is a good sign! It's hard to not get excited when things seem so promising, but we shall see, we shall see. More updates to come over the weekend!

5/6 DPICI

Wow, the wait sure does seem to be flying this time. I mean sure, each day can be a little rough, but I can hardly believe that TOMORROW we'll be half done!

I have a little news to report. Yesterday, Megan told me there were some additional signs and symptoms (sore bbs, different food tastes, among others) and today her temperature is up again after a verrrry slight dip for two days. It's at the highest level yet! So we're allowing ourselves to be hopeful now, cautiously...it's so hard not to be. I think we just believe so much that this is meant to be that we stay hopeful each and every day until we have clear evidence that the wait is over.

That said, our weekend plans might include a trip to the beach to get in a little extra rest and relaxation. It was so much fun to see the dolphins last time, I can't wait to do that again! It doesn't look like we'll get to paint b/c the roofers might be coming, but we'll see what happens. More updates to come!

4/5 DPICI and holding!

Not too much to report yet. Megan's temperature is still up (though yesterday it dropped 0.2 degrees and held that level today), and there are a few other mild symptoms, including some "fizzies" last night!

Oh, right, last night. I got free tickets to see the Dixie Chicks and it was great fun. Much to our surprise, Anna Nalick (who sings 2 a.m.) was the opening act! Heck, we would have paid to see just her! I'm not a huge fan of the Dixie Chicks, but I really have an appreciation for them now for a couple of reasons. First, that fiddle player is damn good. I can't imagine being able to play like that! Second, the lead singer has a truly wonderful, powerful voice. Third, I am pleased to support a group of women who are successful based on their talent, not on their looks. I'm glad we went.

So, we got to bed pretty late after the concert, but I seem to be doing ok energy-wise today. I'm just at work and missing Megan like MAD. It sucks to be away from her during the TWW :P I know, I'll survive.

So, next update to come in a couple more days! We're trying to hold out until day 15 to test, but I doubt we'll make it that long. We'll keep you posted.

2/3 DPICI, 3 DPO, and counting

So everything went just swimmingly (haha, pun DEFINITELY intended). Megan even thought she felt ovulation pain 3 hours after the ICI on Friday, which meant our timing was right on! We went out gallivanting to the Reading outlet mall on Saturday and did another ICI that evening, which was followed by a dinner of the absolute worst pizza we've ever had. Philadelphia should be ashamed of Golden Crust Pizza!

Anyway, Sunday we went to the Jersey Garden outlet mall in Elizabeth, NJ, and that was a BLAST. We had so incredibly much fun! There were tons of kids stores, including Old Navy, Gap, and Gymboree outlets, which definitely kept our attention. On the way home, we hit the regular Gymboree and spent our remaining Gymbucks on some of the most cute clothes ever. I think we're done with clothes now, and we'll be focusing on diapers and other kinds of baby supplies when we need retail therapy.

No symptoms to report yet, though Megan and I are still in disbelief that she ALREADY ovulated, even though her temps and chart definitely say she did! There is no feeling that we made something happen this time, though that feeling last time could have been first-time jitters. It's only day 3, so there's no way we'll know for another week and a half anyway, so we'd best sit tight, cross our fingers, and pray! I will of course keep the updates coming...

So it's been a while...

So after our BFN and chemical pregnancy last cycle, I didn’t feel too much like blogging. We’ve been focusing on each other and buying baby stuff ;) No, really. We’re amassing quite the collection of very small clothes, which we’ve enjoyed.

Megan’s cycles are usually really, really long, and we weren’t expecting her to ovulate again until early August. Heh, we were wrong. So, today Megan wakes up and notices that her fertility signs, which have all been quite negative up to this point, all of a sudden took a turn for the VERY positive! She took an ovulation test, and lo and behold, she’s ovulating! We ordered a fresh tank of swimmers today and they should arrive tomorrow. We’re very excited.

Sadly, I have to go on business to Harrisburg tomorrow, leaving no wiggle room for me to skimp on work to do the insemination, but we can do it as soon as I get home. Then we’re back into the TWW again! I’m so excited!

In other news, we gave my dad the bookshelves and moved the desk in the soon-to-be nursery and bought some really, incredibly cute nursery bedding, so that’s moving along nicely. The room is all clean, so it’s starting to have that “new apartment” smell. We’re keeping the door closed so the darn animals don’t ruin anything. Megan is working hard on her writing and I’m plugging away at work, trying to think about other things than TTC, but that’s much easier said than done.

I will keep you posted! Beware of almost-daily symptom updates ;)

Two words

Chemical pregnancy. Better luck next time I suppose...

I can't believe we don't know yet

So, nothing yet. And no period yet. M had some light, light spotting this morning, but nothing since then. Who the heck knows what's going on? I certainly don't. If her period doesn't show soon, she's going to be giving the doc a call to see what's going on. This is getting pretty crazy...

12 DPICI

BFP?...BFN?...we're still holding out, but nothing yet...