Screaming inside

Living is really, really hard right now. I'm practically in a daze, and there's not really anyone for me to talk to who will listen. Very few people know we're TTC right now, but they're not really people I can just whine to. Megan needs them, and they're not here right now anyway. And Megan really, really can't be there for me right now. I think what would really help is for someone to just hold me and let me cry and scream (ha, like I did Sunday morning) and tell me it's all going to be over one day and things will work out. I just have a really hard time seeing that right now.

I guess this is part of my odd position as the non-carrying mother wannabe. When we miscarry, it hurts me too. Although I cannot feel the physical pain of that life leaving my body, I feel this loss. I mourn it, even though it was just two days. Two fucking days. But where am *I* supposed to go for comfort? Who am I supposed to talk to who will even begin to get this? Sometimes I feel like I'm more involved than other "DP"s are. I don't know...very few of the other ones post on the boards and stuff.

I feel bad complaining on the boards too. I mean, who am I at 22, and Megan at 25, to complain about TTC? We're not racing any other clock but Megan's desires, strong and pervasive they may be. We're not miscarrying twins in our second trimester. We're not on our final IVF cycle before calling it quits. We're just not anything. I feel like many of the women on the boards (I know some of you might even be reading) don't take us that seriously, and I feel like people don't even believe me sometimes. Like they think I'm a troll trying to crash their party. I feel guilty about voicing my pain and seeking comfort there. It's a very giving group, and that I need so much right now and that I don't really fit in just seems to throw the whole thing off balance. I digress. I don't know. I just totally don't know.

It's days like today that make me want to get off this roller-coaster until we can just cough up the money for IVF with whatever fancy crap they want to add on. We just CAN'T do it right now and is PISSES me off that we can't afford it. It also pisses me off, to an extent, that this is really the ONLY thing that Megan wants and it's practically the only thing I can't give her. Not that she talks about it much, but she's bi. She could have just as easily fallen for a guy and then at least she'd be able to try every month for free, as many "insems" as she wanted. And her child would be half someone she loved. Sometimes I even wonder why she stays when she could go find herself some nice guy (there are plenty in my class.....) and just put this whole thing behind her. I realize this is totally fatalistic and that she really isn't going to up and dump me for something with a dick and enough swimmers to get her pregnant, but it really doesn't help.

Okay, NOW I have seriously polluted cyberspace with my whining and I need to stop, otherwise none of you are going to read this thing anymore. Sigh.

Rambly

I'm back in York now, finished with my third-to-last day of Surgery and I couldn't be happier. I went to clinic today, which was a great learning experience, and now I'm just hanging around in my room. I'm online with Megan, and we're sort of talking over AIM, but she's not in a good mood. I know, clearly, that it's not personal, but it's so hard when she's distant. All I want to do is be able to fix it and I know I can't. It's sad.

So I don't know what we're going to do about the "firing." I don't think we'll have a case for discrimination, since either party could terminate the employment for any reason before *today* which is why they got rid of her Friday. She has friends who will have ears to the ground for rumors, but basically, we're SOL. I guess the good thing is that she I guess wasn't "fired" so much as they didn't "pick up her option." In any case, she's on the job hunt again, as of tomorrow (today she's taking a break).

I start anesthesiology next week. It's odd, because on the one hand I'm SO excited, but it's hard to be excited with all this crap going on. I mean, this is what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid and I can't really muster the energy to be excited. I'm not good at being depressed, so I hope this passes soon.

Oh. Ha. My resident's wife just had a baby. Woo hoo. And they gave him a dumb name too. Sigh.

I guess I'd better go be productive. This post sucks.

Surviving

So we're surviving so far, except our little "conceptus," which is departing by way of painful cramps and very, very heavy bleeding.

The plan is to continue as we were, still see the RE since Megan is still insured and can get COBRA, and keep on with the natural cycles for now. The savings for injectables will be eaten up by paying bills for the next few weeks. Fantastic.

Megan is looking for a new job and looking into wrongful dismissal.

We might go to WA to see Megan's dying sister and our girl with cancer. Probably in June.

So far that's it. I'm cycling thru stages of grief at hyper-speed...sad one moment, angry the next, in shock the next and back again, over and over. I hope things calm down soon. I think the will when AF runs her stupid course and we get in the swing of looking for jobs and stuff.

This totally sucks.

This week sucks beyond sucking

-Financial difficulties
-Starting a new cycle
-Getting the HSG cancelled randomly after falling over ourselves to schedule it, and then deciding to scrap the cycle
-Un-scrapping the cycle after so many tears and stress
-Almost running out of gas late at night
-Toilet breaks
-Dog decides to be an ass and try to run out in front of a car (she's fine)
-Fucked up my physical dx practical, though not badly enough to fail
-Whined too much to my poor friends who have listened to me too much already anyway

There's more, but I just don't feel like writing any more about it now. Will it NEVER end? We just want closure, we're ready to be done with all this. One day soon we'll get another fertility workup once I'm in residency, and then we'll get pregnant with injectables or IVF, after adopting our first one or two, but Clomid is NOT going to work. There, I said it. Clomid is NOT going to work.

So there.

12 dpo - Deflated, of course

Megan peed on two unauthorized sticks today and both were BFN. Of course, one had a fantastic evap line, but that's all it is, an evap. Me no likey evaps.

Now we're talking about options. Break? Stop? Try with me? IVF? Injectables? Adoption? Throw selves off bridge?

More to come.

11 dpo update

We caved. BFN. It sucks, a lot, but what can you do. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it's early, blah blah blah I know. But that doesn't really make it hurt any less. Granted, I've never been able to hallucinate a line on a FRER test and I could hallucinate one today, but that doesn't mean it's there. Could mean I need therapy.

Oh, and I missed my physical exam practice session today. I thought it was tomorrow. I feel like SUCH a fucking idiot. Depressed AND an idiot all in one day.

Yeah. So next try is probably our last until we can afford adoption. Or IVF. We're just out of money and out of steam and out of, yeah. This was supposed to work, DAMN IT! Why on EARTH is my healthy, young, darling partner unable to conceive??? WHY????????????

Fuck life.

Whiny post

I miss my friends. They're having karaoke night and this is the first one that we've ever missed. We had stuff to do at home that we didn't really end up doing. I'm tired and cranky and miss them and am sick of fertility crap. I want to be able to go and enjoy things.

I'm sick of being broke because of job bullshit and having to pay for fertility. We can't afford anything.

I want this to all be over.

I'll probably delete this in the morning...

On a darker note...

Yesterday, Saturday April 14, 2007, is the date our baby would have been due had M not miscarried at about 5 weeks. I can't believe it's been that long. I hope that things have come full circle now. We're really ready for a new beginning. I just wanted to say something...

0 DPIUI :) Finally!

Bloods this morning showed E2 in the 130's and LH over 30! Follicle was 22 mm! And we had the IUI with no pain whatsoever. Megan is now feeling what may be ovulatory pains :)

On a darker note, Megan just got laid off from her job. The boss said she was "rearranging positions" but we're sure it's because she witnessed the boss hiding a room that wasn't up to regulations from the daycare inspectors. Anyway, she's already hot on the tails of a few other options. People suck, but we'll be ok.

Another crisis partially solved, ish...

Got the lab call back. Estrogen is really low at 50, LH isn't surging...4 follicles, none are mature, and they want us back on Monday. They're pursuing the cycle for now, wanting to see where it goes...I hope SOMETHING happens! So now a whole weekend of waiting for cancelled or not cancelled.... ugh.

Oddments

I am living it up this year, since it's my last spring break ever. Yep, I am totally taking advanatage of this time. So Sunday, we had bloodwork and an ultrasound. Soooooo fun! Yeah! And there were 2 barely measurable follicles on the Right, none on the left. And yesterday, yesterday was even better! I spent the whollllllle day doing a budget to make sure we don't go bankrupt! Yeah!! And today is the crowning glory. I got up at the ass-crack of dawn to go into the city to meet with someone about doing surveys, and now I've been filing our taxes all day!! Ohhh the excitement. Really. More posting later when I get the results from this morning's bloodwork and US.

And to add to the oddment, Megan's clomid MUST be affecting me somehow. We went to see Meet the Robinsons last Sunday and I CRIED in the previews and I CRIED in the movie too. I'm a super level-headed person and things like movies never never never make me cry, unless they're terribly sad. But poor little kid in the movie was abandoned at the orphanage ::sniffle::

One final oddment. I talked to my mother the other day for a while, and she kept repeating that nobody on my side of the family has ever had a fertility problem, and basically she's gotten pregnant every time there has been an opportunity. So perhaps if things with Megan don't work out, we could consider me carrying. But I really don't want to, and I think it might kill poor Megan sice she wants to carry so badly. We'll cross that bridge if we get there. Which we won't because this cycle is the one :-D

The overwhelmingness of life

So I have been a bipolar wreck this week. What with all the stress of dealing with TTC, Megan acclimating to a new job, starting a new (really hard) block at school, and getting ready to go on a Spring Break that will not involve much of anything fun ::sigh:: I've had several teary breakdowns and that is SO not like me. I'm a very level sort of person, and this type of behavior is really freaking me out. Karisa? Where are you? Please come back!! I miss you...

In brighter news, it looks like I will get to be involved in some anesthesia research at my school, which is just fantastic. Exposure to the field I hope to work in, stuff to put on my CV...great stuff! I'm really thrilled about it.

Also good news, my dear friend Jennifer has just been reunited with her husband just over a year after their wedding. He's from El Salvador and he couldn't get a visa/passport until NOW. Over a year since the marriage. I'm so glad that they're finally together. You know, looking at that reminds me how lucky I am to have Megan with me every day, and how fortunate I am to have my family. That's what's really important. We'll be able to have a baby one day, somehow, and when we do it will be perfect. But what I have is beautiful. I need to remember that more often.

So, I'll be trying to not be sad that my friends are in Florida, Puerto Rico, Germany, Argentina, or getting re-acquainted with long-lost spouses this week. I'll be looking forward to the bloods and US for Megan on Sunday, and IUI sometime this week. Hopefully this cycle is going to bring us our Christmas baby/babies. Lord, we're praying for a miracle.

Off to bed...tomorrow will be CD12.

In a holding pattern

Not too much to report so far. Megan had her last dose of Clomid yesterday, and today is CD9...so we should be back in business before too long. We got a huge box of gymboree stuff in the mail yesterday, and I do mean huge. We have enough to clothe a small army of toddlers! It's crazy. Anyway, Megan was really in the mood to talk and look at baby stuff yesterday and I really wasn't. This last BFN was really hard for me and I'm only just now getting to the point of not obsessing too much about the whole thing. Maybe today I'll be in more of a baby mood.

Good news is that I finally was able to study some yesterday! I feel like I'm getting back on track, which is really nice. On the bad side, the effing cat peed on my white coat, so I don't have it for grand rounds today. Stupid little shit cat. I swear he's going to goi flying out the window and onto the street one of these days...::growls::

Off to class. Hematology. Yay.

Longest wait EVER!

And we haven't even done the insem yet! I don't know what it is, but the time leading up to the IUI for me this time is dragging on and on and on. It's like the TWW, only we're hardly waiting for news! ::sigh::

I need to promise myself to stay out of the blogosphere. All the people who have KD's with perfect motility and/or get pregnant on the first try make me jealous, and it's such an unhealthy emotion for me. Megan's body is what it is, our life is what it is, and other people are exactly that. Other people. Not us. Our journey is unique and nobody else is like us. This will happen in time. Everything worth having in life is worth waiting for. Everything.

Oh yes. That's the mantra.

A hard day

I feel so bad for Megan. It's only the second day of clomid and she's already getting symptoms. Hopefully this translates to something GOOD for us!!

I also feel bad for her because I'm having a negative day. Out there in the blogosphere, it just seems like everyone gets pregnant on the first try or has to do IVF. I mean, I know that's not the case at all, but my goodness, I just feel so much like this might never work. I mean, I trust the RE and I know that she's doing her best. I trust Megan to take care of her body. And I know our new swimmers are going to be GREAT! But still, I'm so stressed out. I just feel like if it doesn't work this time it's going to kill me. I now I need to work on that attitude, but it's just so challenging.

And I'm torn about the monitoring too. I mean, we really, really, really can't afford to have the $800 of bloodwork done every month. And we can't afford the $1000 for ultrasounds either. We can do the US at the hospital for free, which will be great, because the results can still get to the RE realtime. But the bloodwork, I don't know. What if we don't catch the surge well enough with the OPK at home? Argh!!! I'm just so...yeah. Sad that we have to make this decision. Yeah. Why can't we just have all the money in the world? That would make it much more simple. One day, we'll have enough. One day, I'll be able to support Megan and our family and we won't have to worry about these things. One day SOON. Just not now. I just can't give her enough right now.

I think I'm going to cry.

So, I guess I need to get away from the computer for a while. If I had a picture of a sad face I would put it on here...

BFN, again.

So it's negative, and the nurse didn't even call us, she just left a message on LabCalls. Ick. We're of course pretty upset, so next month it is. I guess that lucky number 7 and the Luck of the Irish together aren't even enough. ::sigh::

11/12 DPI and Deflated

Yesterday Megan was feeling even more pregnant than ever before, so we got all geared up and tested this morning, which we think was 11 DPO. And got a very negative test :( So, even though it's really early, I'm feeling deflated. It's so hard that it feels like, for our age, we've been at this thing way too long and nothing seems to be working out the way it should. I mean, we changed donors, got the fertility meds, and still nothing. I don't know, I wouldn't call this a pessimistic feeling, just a reality check that this is a long, long road for some people.



On the message board I post on there have been about 5 or 6 new pregnancies this month. Some of them are people on their first try, all the way up through an "Old Codger" who has been trying (medicated) for ages and just got pregnant on a natural cycle. I don't know, I'm happy for them, especially those who this has been such a long road for, but I'm a little disappointed. I mean, at 24, Megan should have top-notch fertility. She should have been one of those who made it on the first try. And, well, we sort of did, but...::sigh:: I don't know.



I'm still hopeful that we'll get a different answer when she goes in for a Beta, but at least now I'm very in touch with the reality of this situation.


Back to studies. Serious exam tomorrow that's going to kick my lousy distracted ass. Ophthalmology, Psychiatry, Neurology, and a little Anesthesia to boot. *I* need anesthesia!!! But I'm doing this for Fudge...Right...here he is again for your enjoyment ;) How could you not try hard for him?

My God, I'm going nuts.