Beach!

With all the crap we've been going through in the last couple days, we needed a break. Badly badly. So today I planned for us to go down to Cape Henlopen with the dogs for a day at the beack, and it was fantastic. We even let them (illegally) romp off leash for a little while. We needed the time to get away from TTC and the city and regroup, focus on our relationship, and get ready to tackle the upcoming TWW. Anyway, here are some photos from today! I love our doggies :)Me giving Fudge a scratch. He loves to circle around between my legs...
Bella trying to bury Megan in the sand! Her favorite beach activity!
You can't see really well, but Fudge looks dignified and Bella looks drenched (which she was, from romping in the tidepool).

Tomorrow we're going for bloodwork and US in the morning, then we're going to church (finally!), and in the afternoon/evening we're spending some time with our friends Melissa and Zach and their dogs. What a good way to start spring break :)

The overwhelmingness of life

So I have been a bipolar wreck this week. What with all the stress of dealing with TTC, Megan acclimating to a new job, starting a new (really hard) block at school, and getting ready to go on a Spring Break that will not involve much of anything fun ::sigh:: I've had several teary breakdowns and that is SO not like me. I'm a very level sort of person, and this type of behavior is really freaking me out. Karisa? Where are you? Please come back!! I miss you...

In brighter news, it looks like I will get to be involved in some anesthesia research at my school, which is just fantastic. Exposure to the field I hope to work in, stuff to put on my CV...great stuff! I'm really thrilled about it.

Also good news, my dear friend Jennifer has just been reunited with her husband just over a year after their wedding. He's from El Salvador and he couldn't get a visa/passport until NOW. Over a year since the marriage. I'm so glad that they're finally together. You know, looking at that reminds me how lucky I am to have Megan with me every day, and how fortunate I am to have my family. That's what's really important. We'll be able to have a baby one day, somehow, and when we do it will be perfect. But what I have is beautiful. I need to remember that more often.

So, I'll be trying to not be sad that my friends are in Florida, Puerto Rico, Germany, Argentina, or getting re-acquainted with long-lost spouses this week. I'll be looking forward to the bloods and US for Megan on Sunday, and IUI sometime this week. Hopefully this cycle is going to bring us our Christmas baby/babies. Lord, we're praying for a miracle.

Off to bed...tomorrow will be CD12.

In a holding pattern

Not too much to report so far. Megan had her last dose of Clomid yesterday, and today is CD9...so we should be back in business before too long. We got a huge box of gymboree stuff in the mail yesterday, and I do mean huge. We have enough to clothe a small army of toddlers! It's crazy. Anyway, Megan was really in the mood to talk and look at baby stuff yesterday and I really wasn't. This last BFN was really hard for me and I'm only just now getting to the point of not obsessing too much about the whole thing. Maybe today I'll be in more of a baby mood.

Good news is that I finally was able to study some yesterday! I feel like I'm getting back on track, which is really nice. On the bad side, the effing cat peed on my white coat, so I don't have it for grand rounds today. Stupid little shit cat. I swear he's going to goi flying out the window and onto the street one of these days...::growls::

Off to class. Hematology. Yay.

Longest wait EVER!

And we haven't even done the insem yet! I don't know what it is, but the time leading up to the IUI for me this time is dragging on and on and on. It's like the TWW, only we're hardly waiting for news! ::sigh::

I need to promise myself to stay out of the blogosphere. All the people who have KD's with perfect motility and/or get pregnant on the first try make me jealous, and it's such an unhealthy emotion for me. Megan's body is what it is, our life is what it is, and other people are exactly that. Other people. Not us. Our journey is unique and nobody else is like us. This will happen in time. Everything worth having in life is worth waiting for. Everything.

Oh yes. That's the mantra.

A hard day

I feel so bad for Megan. It's only the second day of clomid and she's already getting symptoms. Hopefully this translates to something GOOD for us!!

I also feel bad for her because I'm having a negative day. Out there in the blogosphere, it just seems like everyone gets pregnant on the first try or has to do IVF. I mean, I know that's not the case at all, but my goodness, I just feel so much like this might never work. I mean, I trust the RE and I know that she's doing her best. I trust Megan to take care of her body. And I know our new swimmers are going to be GREAT! But still, I'm so stressed out. I just feel like if it doesn't work this time it's going to kill me. I now I need to work on that attitude, but it's just so challenging.

And I'm torn about the monitoring too. I mean, we really, really, really can't afford to have the $800 of bloodwork done every month. And we can't afford the $1000 for ultrasounds either. We can do the US at the hospital for free, which will be great, because the results can still get to the RE realtime. But the bloodwork, I don't know. What if we don't catch the surge well enough with the OPK at home? Argh!!! I'm just so...yeah. Sad that we have to make this decision. Yeah. Why can't we just have all the money in the world? That would make it much more simple. One day, we'll have enough. One day, I'll be able to support Megan and our family and we won't have to worry about these things. One day SOON. Just not now. I just can't give her enough right now.

I think I'm going to cry.

So, I guess I need to get away from the computer for a while. If I had a picture of a sad face I would put it on here...

Time for some changes

Megan's period finally came, after a little thrill that we might have been pregnant anyway. ::sigh:: So now we're CD 4 and Megan just started Clomid again. This higher dose is already affecting her...she's moody and her bbs hurt already. Fun week for me! Oh yeah.

So here's what we're doing differently this time, our luckiest fantastic 8th time:

New donor from Xytex, who should have fantastic motility!

Higher dose of Clomid (150 mg), so Megan will have better ovulation!

IUI, to put those swimmers riiiight where they ought to be!

So, like I said, twins for us at Christmas ;) Noel and Jesus. Mary and Joseph? Mary and...Mary?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this try. When I talked to the nurse, she mentioned that Megan's follicles weren't that great the last couple times...but you know what? She had 18 mm the first time, and the second time she had 18mm (and like a 15 mm immature one) a day or two before ovulation, which is more like she had 20 or 22 mm mature follicle, so that's totally good! So on the higher dose, it should be better. The scary thing I guess is that if this cycle doesn't work out, she'll take clomid for a longer time, and that will be our last Clomid try. Then it's injectables. A lot to think about. So overall, I'm feeling good about this try. That's all we can do, right? Look forward with optimism and never, never look back.

In other news, I got an 87 on my test :) I'm very, very pleased :) Really really :) And I signed up for my 3rd year rotations. I'll post my schedule when I get it!

So. Yeah. I don't know...

So Megan hasn't gotten her period yet, and she's been off progesterone for almost 3 days. So we're not sure what to think. It came WAY faster last time...ugh. Limbo is the worst worst worst thing!!!

Though, when she finally does get her period, we have a new donor! Yeah! And he has lots of vials available! Yeah!

More later......

This. Means. WAR!

So now that we've had an hour to recover, we have declared WAR on infertility! War I say! We will be switching banks and donors, moving on to IUI, and probably increasing the Clomid dose. Oh yea, I said it. WAR!!! Christmas baby, here we come!

Ha. Oh yeah. This time will be it.

BFN, again.

So it's negative, and the nurse didn't even call us, she just left a message on LabCalls. Ick. We're of course pretty upset, so next month it is. I guess that lucky number 7 and the Luck of the Irish together aren't even enough. ::sigh::

Beta...blah 13/14 dpi

Wating for the beta....and waiting...and waiting...

11/12 DPI and Deflated

Yesterday Megan was feeling even more pregnant than ever before, so we got all geared up and tested this morning, which we think was 11 DPO. And got a very negative test :( So, even though it's really early, I'm feeling deflated. It's so hard that it feels like, for our age, we've been at this thing way too long and nothing seems to be working out the way it should. I mean, we changed donors, got the fertility meds, and still nothing. I don't know, I wouldn't call this a pessimistic feeling, just a reality check that this is a long, long road for some people.



On the message board I post on there have been about 5 or 6 new pregnancies this month. Some of them are people on their first try, all the way up through an "Old Codger" who has been trying (medicated) for ages and just got pregnant on a natural cycle. I don't know, I'm happy for them, especially those who this has been such a long road for, but I'm a little disappointed. I mean, at 24, Megan should have top-notch fertility. She should have been one of those who made it on the first try. And, well, we sort of did, but...::sigh:: I don't know.



I'm still hopeful that we'll get a different answer when she goes in for a Beta, but at least now I'm very in touch with the reality of this situation.


Back to studies. Serious exam tomorrow that's going to kick my lousy distracted ass. Ophthalmology, Psychiatry, Neurology, and a little Anesthesia to boot. *I* need anesthesia!!! But I'm doing this for Fudge...Right...here he is again for your enjoyment ;) How could you not try hard for him?

My God, I'm going nuts.

9/10 DPI...how can time be going by this slow

You know, with how long we've been doing this you would think that we would be more patient during the wait. I mean really, this is our seventh cycle and We've been trying for 10 months, so really, really, we should have learned by now to be patient, that these things take time, and that if we're not pregnant, it's not the end of the world! We just try next time, and everything will be all hunky-dory. Right? Yeah, right. And I'm the Queen of England.

I think that by now God has installed earplugs so He doesn't need to listen to my praying anymore. I've been so distracted today, partly because it's getting close to T-Day (ha ha test day) and because I haven't been able to talk to Megan alllll day. She's at work, bringing home the bacon like the awesome woman she is, but I really want to talk to her! I want to know if she has symptoms ::devilish grin::

So I need to get back to work...or Kiki and Waly might get mad and take away my computer so I focus more on my studies..........

AGONZING

So, I'm an idiot and I left my class syllabus in the car last night after L-Word, so I couldn't really go to class today. Megan will be home soon, and then I can get back on track, but DAMN IT I needed to study!!! So I've been cozied up with my pathology text all day and am taking a break from Multiple Sclerosis. I'm so worried because I feel really behind, and Neuro/Ophth/Psych are really challenging, but I don't really have room to complain. Not like it will change anything! Luckily, I have no affiliate visit or small group/clinical skills sessions this week, so I can focus on my studies and hopefully catch up. At least I'm only 8 lectures behind on listening/highlighting and I think 19 on highlighting only, so that's a surmountable challenge. And I'm doing it all for Fudge, right? Here he is...my inspiration...

This wait is AGONY. Pure agony. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle, that this our 7th try will work, but I'm so worried at the same time. Megan's cramps/sore breasts/sleepiness and insomnia/etc are so promising, but they could be just as easily explained by Clomid and Progesterone, so. Yeah. I don't know what to think. Please please please Lord please...

At least I only have a few more days left, which will fly by because of it being an exam week. And then we'll know! And then we'll truck on, either way :) Yes, that's the mantra...

Flower show and cramps

So today we went to the Philadelphia Flower Show...it was okay, but flowers aren't really so much my thing. I think Megan really liked it though! The theme of the show was Ireland, so there were some kids there doing Irish dancing which I am always really impressed by. There was even this itty bitty little girl dancing. So cute!

Anyway, today Megan mentioned some cramping, which of course got me all excited. I'm hoping so much that this will be it! And hey, she really feels positive about this time, so I have to feel positive too you know. I think we'll be able to hold out until at least 10 days to test, but hopefully we'll make it to 13 days, so Friday-ish. That way I can have SOME idea what the answer will be before taking my test on Friday.

So now it's off to Kiki and Waly's place to watch the L-Word, then home to feed the doggers and crash into bed. Fun times, as always :)

Studying and shopping

So today was a bigtime study day for me, and we also went out and did some window shopping for baby stuff. Nothing was to die for cute, so nothing came home with us. We did get 3 cloth diapers in the mail from my mother today though, which was pretty cool. She's really good at making those things! It's getting late already, but I think I'm going to try to review another lecture tonight before we head bed-ward.

On the babycenter list today, there was a positive from my group! A woman doing IVF got a postive today, which is just so exciting. I'm so happy for her! It's easy to be happy and excited for the IVFers :)

As for Megan today, her resolution to not tell me any of her feelings has broken down and she told me today that her breasts hurt pretty badly and she's feeling a bit twingy in her pelvis/thighs. We're both SO hopeful this time around, that it's going to be a pretty bad fall if we don't end up pregnant. This is our 7th try overall, so we feel a little like our number might be up, and hey, her progesterone was A LOT better post-ovulation this time, so maybe it was a really good follicle. And she was SO fertile when we did the insem...

Anyway, back to work for me. Tomorrow I won't get a lot done because we're going to the flower show downtown, dinner with Melissa and Zach, and L-Word at Kiki and Waly's. Busy busy!

Serum Progesterone 9.8

So Megan had her progesterone level today (5/6 DPI, and about 5 DPO) and it was 9.8, way better than last month's 6.1! I think that means she had much better ovulation this time, so we're definitely excited. That's the first bit of good news. That and her boobs hurt, but who's keeping track...

Second bit of good news, today was Family Day at school and I went with my dad. We had a really nice time and he got to meet all my friends and their parents. It was nice to take some time off from school and just hang out and be a human being.

Now for the not-so-good news. I'm WAY behind in school and ALL I can think about is baby stuff and my personal academic ineptitude. Great way to go into a test week if you ask me. And I'm hyper-dis tractable so for example when Megan asked me to turn up the volume on the TV, I practically had a panic attack. I'm surely, surely going crazy. But Kiki said I can pass, so pass my test I will. This time, I'm doing it for Fudgie. Yeah, yeah I said it. I am putting my all into classes for 6 days so I can dedicate my performance to my dog. Damn I'm a sad person sometimes.... Oh, and did I mention that I also still have a cold, and I also am taking antihistamines, and I also feel REALLY fat and can't seem to stop eating...great.
I've managed to now study ONE lecture, so I'm taking my blog break. Now back to studying, one more lecture before I get to go to BED!! Toodles.

Plodding along

So today we're at 4/5 DPI and Megan is keeping mum. She says she is COMPLETELY ignoring any and all possible signs and symptoms this time, so I get to be kept totally in the dark. Yay. I'm just thinking about our timing, and how good it was, and that our donor has pregnancies reported. I'm hoping that all that will come together positively for us and this will be our month!

I can't blog for too long today...I have to STUDY. I'm incredibly behind, though not as badly as I was before. I'm a little worried that I won't be able to pull out the grades I need to (like in the 80's nothing fancy), so this next week is going to stink. A lot. At least Megan's beta shouldn't be during my test....

2 DPI

We inseminated on Saturday and Sunday, so that makes us 2/3 DPI today. Megan started a new job yesterday, which she really likes! She's working with young infants at a really relaxed daycare center and feels like she's making a difference. It's nice she has a distraction from the TWW as well :)

As for me, I'm just over 2 months away from being finished with my second year of medical school. Grades have been much better this year (thanks to my supportive partner and new study buddy, Kiki!) and I can't wait to start rotations in the summer. I dropped out of the MBA program...for many reasons, but too many to list here. Anyway, I'm glad I'm staying with my class now.

We're hoping that this, our 7th try, will be the charm. We felt like our timing was great and Megan seemed VERY fertile at the time, so we're hoping for the best :) Cheers.

It's been a while...

So here's a recap of the last few months:

After miscarriage #2, we tried three more times with all the natural fertility booster stuff. None of those cycles worked out...we weren't even completely sure Megan ovulated. We started seeing the RE somewhere in there, and tried to monitor a couple of cycles (1 trying, 1 breaking) but Megan needed provera both times to bring on a period. Regardless, she got a diagnosis out of it: Habitual Aborter. Isn't that lovely? They really don't like mincing words do they?

On the breaking month, we were having a VERY hard time. Megan and I were heavily, heavily taxed by the miscarriages and our relationship started to fall apart...so we took some time, went to WA for Thanksgiving to see friends and family, then after a whirlwind December of a friend visiting, two new clinically-oriented blocks at school, a pre-Christmas trip to Disney World with Megan's mother, and Christmas at home with Megan's mother, we were pretty ready to start again.

We got ourselves a new donor, as our old one ran out and we decided our old bank were a buch of Schmucks (I picked from a Megan-approved list). The RE to prescribed Clomid 50 mg and progesterone suppositories, and in February, we tried again to no avail. It maybe, maybe was a chemical but we didn't test. We just COULD NOT handle another chemical pregnancy, so we waited for a Beta on 15 DPO and it was negative :( Though, it was nice because on the 50 mg Clomid Megan's cycle was pretty close to 30 days and she had one follicle. So for this cycle, the Clomid is upped to 100 mg and she had one (better) follicle and an excellent LH surge which we detected at home easily! Things are much, much easier this way. But more expensive. I think each cycle is costing us about $1,500 now with all the monitoring.

So now that we have a better, stronger relationship, a better outlook, and some fertility meds, we're back in business. We just started the two-week wait for try #7, this time on 100 mg Clomid, so wish us luck! May this be the LAST TWW we have to do while trying to conceive our first child.

I do have to say, that since last August we have amassed enough clothing for an army of children, thanks to Megan's mother, and have started a cloth diaper stash. My mother loves making the diapers and even bought an embroidery machine to make them extra pretty. So cool! And we might be moving...more on that later...