blackbird-fly.blogspot.com
since I'm no longer ttc, I thought a change was in order
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Philadelphia, Anesthesia, Tension
I've been living downtown for almost a week now...five and a half days anyway. It's been an odd set of days, lots of stress, lots of emotions. I've seen Megan twice, the last time was on Tuesday. I'm not so much reeling anymore, but I've been thining. Reading. It's an odd position to be in really, so I'm not going to say too much more about the relationship situation at this point. I might have more to say after Thanksgiving.
Anesthesiology is everything I had hoped it would be and more. I've already gotten to mask/bag ventilate, put in an endotracheal tube and a laryngeal mask airway, and give spinal anesthesia...and it's only the third day!! I think this is really it. This is my calling. This is what I was meant to do.
I was present at the first birth I've ever seen today. It was a C-section, and I was able to give the mother her spinal for the procedure. I was there when they pulled him out and he took his first breath. It was surreal.
My life is really, really bipolar isn't it?
Anesthesiology is everything I had hoped it would be and more. I've already gotten to mask/bag ventilate, put in an endotracheal tube and a laryngeal mask airway, and give spinal anesthesia...and it's only the third day!! I think this is really it. This is my calling. This is what I was meant to do.
I was present at the first birth I've ever seen today. It was a C-section, and I was able to give the mother her spinal for the procedure. I was there when they pulled him out and he took his first breath. It was surreal.
My life is really, really bipolar isn't it?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Things fall apart
Megan cheated on me.
I may have mentioned on here a friend she made at work? It was her. She did it the first week I was gone at York. She did it and hid it from me until now. She lied to me when I asked her about it weeks ago (I was suspicious). She allowed us to do an insemination after she slept with this person. I'm in total shock.
Obviously, this blog is not about TTC anymore. It's not about us either, because there isn't an us anymore. I can't believe she did this.
I'm single now.
WTF???
I may have mentioned on here a friend she made at work? It was her. She did it the first week I was gone at York. She did it and hid it from me until now. She lied to me when I asked her about it weeks ago (I was suspicious). She allowed us to do an insemination after she slept with this person. I'm in total shock.
Obviously, this blog is not about TTC anymore. It's not about us either, because there isn't an us anymore. I can't believe she did this.
I'm single now.
WTF???
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Rebound
Today was actually a pretty good day. I haven't said too much about school lately, except that I didn't want to be here, but today I had a good time. I was in the OR with Dr. B, an awesome Cardiothoracic surgeon who loves me :) He gave me a kick-ass evaluation, and told me he didn't want me to be a surgeon because he didn't want to compete with me. It was awesome.
I'm off now to Journal Club (the surgery folks get together at a restaurant and one of the attendings or residents presents an article for the purpose of reviewing the literature and having a bit of social time), then home to pack pack pack because I go HOME tomorrow, never to return to this place again! Yay!
I miss Megan like crazy, with her home all alone... :( I can't wait until I get to see her more often. This arrangement has been generally horrible, and it's about (damn) time that I get to spend some time with her that isn't rushed.
I'm off now to Journal Club (the surgery folks get together at a restaurant and one of the attendings or residents presents an article for the purpose of reviewing the literature and having a bit of social time), then home to pack pack pack because I go HOME tomorrow, never to return to this place again! Yay!
I miss Megan like crazy, with her home all alone... :( I can't wait until I get to see her more often. This arrangement has been generally horrible, and it's about (damn) time that I get to spend some time with her that isn't rushed.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Screaming inside
Living is really, really hard right now. I'm practically in a daze, and there's not really anyone for me to talk to who will listen. Very few people know we're TTC right now, but they're not really people I can just whine to. Megan needs them, and they're not here right now anyway. And Megan really, really can't be there for me right now. I think what would really help is for someone to just hold me and let me cry and scream (ha, like I did Sunday morning) and tell me it's all going to be over one day and things will work out. I just have a really hard time seeing that right now.
I guess this is part of my odd position as the non-carrying mother wannabe. When we miscarry, it hurts me too. Although I cannot feel the physical pain of that life leaving my body, I feel this loss. I mourn it, even though it was just two days. Two fucking days. But where am *I* supposed to go for comfort? Who am I supposed to talk to who will even begin to get this? Sometimes I feel like I'm more involved than other "DP"s are. I don't know...very few of the other ones post on the boards and stuff.
I feel bad complaining on the boards too. I mean, who am I at 22, and Megan at 25, to complain about TTC? We're not racing any other clock but Megan's desires, strong and pervasive they may be. We're not miscarrying twins in our second trimester. We're not on our final IVF cycle before calling it quits. We're just not anything. I feel like many of the women on the boards (I know some of you might even be reading) don't take us that seriously, and I feel like people don't even believe me sometimes. Like they think I'm a troll trying to crash their party. I feel guilty about voicing my pain and seeking comfort there. It's a very giving group, and that I need so much right now and that I don't really fit in just seems to throw the whole thing off balance. I digress. I don't know. I just totally don't know.
It's days like today that make me want to get off this roller-coaster until we can just cough up the money for IVF with whatever fancy crap they want to add on. We just CAN'T do it right now and is PISSES me off that we can't afford it. It also pisses me off, to an extent, that this is really the ONLY thing that Megan wants and it's practically the only thing I can't give her. Not that she talks about it much, but she's bi. She could have just as easily fallen for a guy and then at least she'd be able to try every month for free, as many "insems" as she wanted. And her child would be half someone she loved. Sometimes I even wonder why she stays when she could go find herself some nice guy (there are plenty in my class.....) and just put this whole thing behind her. I realize this is totally fatalistic and that she really isn't going to up and dump me for something with a dick and enough swimmers to get her pregnant, but it really doesn't help.
Okay, NOW I have seriously polluted cyberspace with my whining and I need to stop, otherwise none of you are going to read this thing anymore. Sigh.
I guess this is part of my odd position as the non-carrying mother wannabe. When we miscarry, it hurts me too. Although I cannot feel the physical pain of that life leaving my body, I feel this loss. I mourn it, even though it was just two days. Two fucking days. But where am *I* supposed to go for comfort? Who am I supposed to talk to who will even begin to get this? Sometimes I feel like I'm more involved than other "DP"s are. I don't know...very few of the other ones post on the boards and stuff.
I feel bad complaining on the boards too. I mean, who am I at 22, and Megan at 25, to complain about TTC? We're not racing any other clock but Megan's desires, strong and pervasive they may be. We're not miscarrying twins in our second trimester. We're not on our final IVF cycle before calling it quits. We're just not anything. I feel like many of the women on the boards (I know some of you might even be reading) don't take us that seriously, and I feel like people don't even believe me sometimes. Like they think I'm a troll trying to crash their party. I feel guilty about voicing my pain and seeking comfort there. It's a very giving group, and that I need so much right now and that I don't really fit in just seems to throw the whole thing off balance. I digress. I don't know. I just totally don't know.
It's days like today that make me want to get off this roller-coaster until we can just cough up the money for IVF with whatever fancy crap they want to add on. We just CAN'T do it right now and is PISSES me off that we can't afford it. It also pisses me off, to an extent, that this is really the ONLY thing that Megan wants and it's practically the only thing I can't give her. Not that she talks about it much, but she's bi. She could have just as easily fallen for a guy and then at least she'd be able to try every month for free, as many "insems" as she wanted. And her child would be half someone she loved. Sometimes I even wonder why she stays when she could go find herself some nice guy (there are plenty in my class.....) and just put this whole thing behind her. I realize this is totally fatalistic and that she really isn't going to up and dump me for something with a dick and enough swimmers to get her pregnant, but it really doesn't help.
Okay, NOW I have seriously polluted cyberspace with my whining and I need to stop, otherwise none of you are going to read this thing anymore. Sigh.
Rambly
I'm back in York now, finished with my third-to-last day of Surgery and I couldn't be happier. I went to clinic today, which was a great learning experience, and now I'm just hanging around in my room. I'm online with Megan, and we're sort of talking over AIM, but she's not in a good mood. I know, clearly, that it's not personal, but it's so hard when she's distant. All I want to do is be able to fix it and I know I can't. It's sad.
So I don't know what we're going to do about the "firing." I don't think we'll have a case for discrimination, since either party could terminate the employment for any reason before *today* which is why they got rid of her Friday. She has friends who will have ears to the ground for rumors, but basically, we're SOL. I guess the good thing is that she I guess wasn't "fired" so much as they didn't "pick up her option." In any case, she's on the job hunt again, as of tomorrow (today she's taking a break).
I start anesthesiology next week. It's odd, because on the one hand I'm SO excited, but it's hard to be excited with all this crap going on. I mean, this is what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid and I can't really muster the energy to be excited. I'm not good at being depressed, so I hope this passes soon.
Oh. Ha. My resident's wife just had a baby. Woo hoo. And they gave him a dumb name too. Sigh.
I guess I'd better go be productive. This post sucks.
So I don't know what we're going to do about the "firing." I don't think we'll have a case for discrimination, since either party could terminate the employment for any reason before *today* which is why they got rid of her Friday. She has friends who will have ears to the ground for rumors, but basically, we're SOL. I guess the good thing is that she I guess wasn't "fired" so much as they didn't "pick up her option." In any case, she's on the job hunt again, as of tomorrow (today she's taking a break).
I start anesthesiology next week. It's odd, because on the one hand I'm SO excited, but it's hard to be excited with all this crap going on. I mean, this is what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid and I can't really muster the energy to be excited. I'm not good at being depressed, so I hope this passes soon.
Oh. Ha. My resident's wife just had a baby. Woo hoo. And they gave him a dumb name too. Sigh.
I guess I'd better go be productive. This post sucks.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Surviving
So we're surviving so far, except our little "conceptus," which is departing by way of painful cramps and very, very heavy bleeding.
The plan is to continue as we were, still see the RE since Megan is still insured and can get COBRA, and keep on with the natural cycles for now. The savings for injectables will be eaten up by paying bills for the next few weeks. Fantastic.
Megan is looking for a new job and looking into wrongful dismissal.
We might go to WA to see Megan's dying sister and our girl with cancer. Probably in June.
So far that's it. I'm cycling thru stages of grief at hyper-speed...sad one moment, angry the next, in shock the next and back again, over and over. I hope things calm down soon. I think the will when AF runs her stupid course and we get in the swing of looking for jobs and stuff.
This totally sucks.
The plan is to continue as we were, still see the RE since Megan is still insured and can get COBRA, and keep on with the natural cycles for now. The savings for injectables will be eaten up by paying bills for the next few weeks. Fantastic.
Megan is looking for a new job and looking into wrongful dismissal.
We might go to WA to see Megan's dying sister and our girl with cancer. Probably in June.
So far that's it. I'm cycling thru stages of grief at hyper-speed...sad one moment, angry the next, in shock the next and back again, over and over. I hope things calm down soon. I think the will when AF runs her stupid course and we get in the swing of looking for jobs and stuff.
This totally sucks.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Curse of threes, and "LFP"
Bad things come in threes, right? I don't think I could take more than three.
#1: Megan's sister, the one she's closest too who is a mother of two lovely teenage children, was diagnosed with rapidly-progressive MS. She already is in a wheelchair and has periods in which she can't speak.
#2: One of the children Megan and I mentored in the 4-H program was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer, stage three, at the age of 16. She's already had surgery and several complications, and she starts chemo soon. It was just this past winter that her mother sent me photos of her first formal dance, and I was so amazed that she was growing up so fast! And now she has metastatic cancer and might die. WTF?????????
#3: Megan has been working very hard at her job, and striving to please a passive-aggressive boss who could do nothing but find fault (despite everyone else LOVING her). She came home early today. She was fired. They didn't need a reason, PA is an at-will employment state.
So, let's add to this that there was a (very) faint positive on the HPT this week...what we like to call a LFP instead of BFP. We're not testing again until she misses AF (damn chemicals have scarred us, and we don't want to watch the line disappear...) So NOW she might be pregnant, and has no job, and can't take advantage of FMLA..... WTF again?????????????????? WHY on EARTH is this happening to us?
This is the worst day I've had in a long time.
#1: Megan's sister, the one she's closest too who is a mother of two lovely teenage children, was diagnosed with rapidly-progressive MS. She already is in a wheelchair and has periods in which she can't speak.
#2: One of the children Megan and I mentored in the 4-H program was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer, stage three, at the age of 16. She's already had surgery and several complications, and she starts chemo soon. It was just this past winter that her mother sent me photos of her first formal dance, and I was so amazed that she was growing up so fast! And now she has metastatic cancer and might die. WTF?????????
#3: Megan has been working very hard at her job, and striving to please a passive-aggressive boss who could do nothing but find fault (despite everyone else LOVING her). She came home early today. She was fired. They didn't need a reason, PA is an at-will employment state.
So, let's add to this that there was a (very) faint positive on the HPT this week...what we like to call a LFP instead of BFP. We're not testing again until she misses AF (damn chemicals have scarred us, and we don't want to watch the line disappear...) So NOW she might be pregnant, and has no job, and can't take advantage of FMLA..... WTF again?????????????????? WHY on EARTH is this happening to us?
This is the worst day I've had in a long time.
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